AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

I completely agree with this.

Agreed, things will never improve in that scenario.
you’ve had lots of good suggestions hopefully one of them works out for you all

The child’s mother should be taking better care of him! What a tricky situation for you. So your baby either puts up with bullying and chaos from the nephew or misses out on growing up with his/her daddy in the same house. I don’t envy you, OP

This is breathtakingly incorrect and naive! You’ve clearly never fostered!

We have no less than five children in the family that came through the Foster care system and have now been adopted.
Of course they had their issues, but they weren’t insurmountable. My stepsister put in the systems. Social services did very little actually to support her at the moment The adoption was complete. They’ve pretty much washed their hands.
But it is amazing what you can achieve with enforced bedtimes, the Wi-Fi off, teeth brushing being compulsory and good quality meals.
Routine is the key

Again, breathtakingly naive! As if deep rooted trauma, in some cases, even grief, abused and terrified children can be fixed by rules and brushing their teeth at the same time every night! 🤣 Wow. Bless you.

The poor child probably “knew” things were going to be alright the first time his mother said it would all be different from now on. And the second time. That line probably wore a bit thin after a while. While I’m not suggesting it’s impossible for OP’s partner to create a safe environment for his nephew, it’s incredibly naïve to think he’ll just slot in and settle down overnight.

I also think it’s quite offensive to say that it’s “unfortunate” the OP is pregnant. I very much doubt she sees her unborn child as a mere inconvenience for another child.

We aren’t talking about some children we’re talking about this particular child
And if you think five children arrived on my stepsister’s doorstep without experiencing trauma, it is you naive. Of course they did and nobody suggesting for a moment that they are fixed.
They’re probably completely fucked long term.
But they aren’t written off or running riot around her house, disrupting her world. They are well behaved children with expectations that they will do well in life until proven otherwise.

OP you are making the right choices. Your DP needs to be the one to do this, and you can’t all live together. He needs to talk to Social services about what would be put in place, what schooling will they make available that meets DNs needs. Your DP needs to be clear to them that you won’t be living with him and he needs to be able to work, so either DN comes with him (insurance and risk assessment would be interesting!) or they find appropriate provision for DN.

If DN is 10, is he year 5? So plans need to be though through for secondary school.

Did you foster 5 children @ElizabethReed ?

@ElizabethReed you need to go foster children yourself and then come back and tell us. I can nearly guarantee some of your naivety and sanctimony will be knocked off you. You are trying to claim knowledge and superiority from something your step sister did? You are not her, the OP is not her.

Who takes priority the nephew or his own child? I think the baby shouldn't grow up fatherless. There's many good foster parents who have the experience and knowledge to help this boy.

Where did I say that your sister’s kids - or any kids - didn’t experience trauma? In fact I said quite the opposite! You’re arguing with yourself and quite a lot of people have disagreed with you on this thread so perhaps take a look inwards and stop being so bloody judgemental and thinking damaged children can be fixed by simply routines! If your sister thinks this way also, then she’s going to have a very long, long road ahead of her. Children are complex and traumatised children far more so. They require professional, intense therapy not just ‘simple routine’.

Well said!

How many of us could see our nephew go into care, he's had such an unfair start to his life. Poor kid.
I understand your reasons for not wanting him there, however I am in agreement with your partner. This child is in more need of him than you at this time.
I would live separately and hopefully over time the two families can blend. It's such a difficult situation for everyone, but hes a young kid who needs help.

I agree with this 100 per cent.

Your DP needs to be thinking about his own child not his nephew - it doesn't sound like nephew would be in a position to be around baby which means your DP is forcing a situation in which his own child grows up with a largely absent parent, while also hurting your kids and you in the process.... Now isn't the time, and that's ok

I wouldn’t take him in. I mean in reality is your DP going to be doing all the parenting of him? He doesn’t sound like he really has an idea of what it will actually be like.

Most likely he will expect YOU to do it- after all, you are going to be at home anyway with the baby. (This will be his thinking).

I don’t think Foster Care is necessarily a bad thing - my MIL did it for 30 yrs and had some long term children. He will be given the attention he so badly needs which he won’t get with you guys.

Anyway he shouldn’t resent you, his resentment should be towards is sister.

But the partner is utterly clueless about how to care for this child and his "plan" for doing so is dreadful.

In theory your DP has a kind heart. I really like that about him. However, he isn’t being practical about all the aspects that need to be discussed and confronted and planned. The stuff that’s been listed upthread, so no need for me to reiterate.
If DP doesn’t want /can’t engage meaningfully, then plan your parallel life. See where you are in a year, postpone the wedding for now…with a view to never getting married. Sort your own rental out for you and your existing 2 children. Sorry to be so blunt but if your pregnancy is early stage, are you 100% sure this is a good idea? Obviously ignore that comment if you’re far along.
You sound a very decent person as does your DP, but you’re coming at the problem solving with a realistic approach; he’s not.
Best wishes with it all OP. Wishing you strength. 💐

PS thanks to all the lovely foster parents on this thread. There are some amazing people who really do turn children’s lives around out there, I see it everyday in my professional life x

I would not have taken my nephew. I did not have the skills to parent an angry pre teen. It would have been a disaster. He was already stealing from us at every visit, destroying our stuff. I stuck by him when other relatives disappeared- we allowed him to visit and watched him like a hawk. But it was beyond stressful. I think it is very easy to say you would do it without knowing the specific behaviours you would be expected to deal with. (My nephew didnt go into care btw, but at one point his teacher called me to ask if I would consider i).

But that’s a gut instinct which doesn’t actually translate into what is best for the child in all cases.

This child needs to be with caregivers who can help support him through his trauma, who have the time to help him and who have some idea what they are doing. In this case it doesn’t sound like the Uncle is going to be the best person for that.

I know of children who have been placed with relatives (very well meaning relatives) but it’s not the right thing for the child. It’s often a decision led by guilt rather than the needs of the child and forced by social services because for them it’s the easy out.

these decisions shouldn’t be rushed, they shouldn’t be based on gut instinct or guilt.

Children's needs and backgrounds vary - some children who go into care do so because of relatively recent problems whereas others have had a lifelong whammy of trauma. Some have conditions like autism, genetic deletion, others don't.

I know someone who fostered five kids who were removed from a very well to do family who spoke Latin at meal times - the parents were crazily religious and locked the older girls up when they started puberty. They were a different kettle of fish to a child who was physically neglected from birth.

Anyway, when I adopted 25 years ago, a woman called Nancy Thomas was all the rage in how to repaint adopted and fostered kids. It was all based on giving the child strict routines, little stimulation - like a baby. It fell out of favour because it didnt work.

I admire but don’t agree with your optimism! It would just be awful all the time and not just for a month.

I'm still hooting at the notion of what might be the "systems" put in place to change the horror of the MiL's month-long visit into life-long love and sunshine. I'm guessing something like this:

1. MiL must stay IN HER ROOM at all times apart from the time it takes her to eat her meals at the table.
2. MiL will adhere to her posted bathroom times of 9am, 1pm and 8pm. MiL will spend no more than 15 minutes at a time in the bathroom.