AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

You should support you partner and his need to look after his family but unfortunately there is a hierarchy, and you look after your children first.

If the nephew did not have behavioural issues then it might be manageable. But with the behavioural issues even if you weren’t pregnant and your house wasn’t overcrowded, I still wouldn’t expect you to take in the child and put your own children at risk.

They rely on you for protection and a stable family life and their home as a safe haven and it sounds like this will destroy that.

Add to that the fact there is not room, that’s very difficult. And on top of that you’re pregnant? Totally unmanageable.

Sadly I agree with you that in this case it sounds like your partner will need to live elsewhere and this will likely end in separation.

And with family they don’t have to pay as much money, like they would to a foster family!

I don’t think social services will assess you as suitable given all your circumstances

Such a tricky situation but I think your partner will also harbor resentment towards you if he doesn't do this so it's likely the relationship would soon break down anyway. Definitely don't get married. If I was you I'd try working at the relationship from a distance. Good luck whatever you do.

Ooof this is a tricky one. Morally, there’s a child that needs help, but the actual logistics are different.

I think about these possibilities a lot as my partner has a lot of nephews and nieces and the other day I had an absolutely visceral reaction to not wanting to share a holiday bedroom with one of them, which made me realise that (touch wood) if something happened I probably wouldn’t be on board with having them permanently.

I don’t think neither of you are being unreasonable, it’s just a difficult set up. Allowing a child to go into care unnecessarily is difficult.

Another dealbreaker for me would probably be how much the mother is going to be allowed to be around.

Split up.

Most marriages end in divorce anyway, so you'll get ahead of the game there.

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Also, your DP is naive if he thinks he's the one to get his nephew through this when his idea is sleeping on the sofa long term is a good idea.

Get rid, he's shown he's not a parent or a partner come to that.

If your DP's nephew moves in with you, will you have continual interference from his mother?
Who will be responsible for all the day to day school related stuff?
Who will provide all the care for him as he is only 10?
Is your DP expecting that you will do this alongside 2 children and a newborn in a house undergoing renovation?
Will you be able to hide your resentment from the nephew?
Will your children be resentful having to move house, move school, have a new baby and another child move in with them?

Given all these questions, cancel the wedding and don't move in together.

Your DP is right to have his nephew, but you also don't have to be the default child carer.

I wouldn’t even want to disrupt a kids stability by moving their school for a man I’d only known three years.

How old are your own children @Flossyrocks ?

I think you need to say that yes, if he wants to take on his DN then DP should, but you can’t all live together until after the extension is done so postpone the wedding, find a new property to rent (in your current area) and reassess in a years time. (This assumes waiting a year doesn’t cause significant problems with school years for your dcs).

in a years time, you’ll have an idea of what the DN is like, he’ll have had time to settle, you’ll have time to introduce your dcs etc.

I feel sorry for the boy, but I would not want to take him in either with your situation. The difficult behaviour is likely to escalate and he clearly needs a lot of time and reassurance to build a relationship with you which with a newborn and two other children you aren't going to be able to do.

There is a young boy locally who is always being posted about on social media, in town stealing, abusing the elderly or anyone with a disability and someone pointed out who this boy was and that he lived with his grandparents. So clearly there is a back story to his life and a probable explanation that could account for his behaviour, but the reality is the grandparents have now been named and shamed (one post said who they were) plus based on the posts where people were saying to report to the police the grandparents probably are dealing with a lot (the backlash at home, work and wider society). It would be a lot to take in if the nephews behaviour became anything like this.

This. Harsh but true. You don’t have to split up with DP but definitely look for separate accommodation.

It's one thing your DH looking after nephew for short periods and another thing being responsible for him forever.

I would be very surprised if SS agreed to him coming into that environment with essentially no stable room for him even. The whole lifestyle sounds very stressful even without him. Also he will probably be off the scale when he first arrives. This is not something to take on lightly and he is going to need a lot of attention and support. The fact that your DP thinks he'll be fine just bunking down on the sofa, shows that he really has no clue about any of it and really is not capable of meeting his nephews needs or his own child's plus his step children and yours!

This boy will already feel rejected, already does. Is unstable. He needs stability and consistency. Your DP actually cannot provide this for him. While it can be admirable he doesn't want him to into care, he does still need to be able to meet this boys needs. And that's before we get into everyone else in the households needs because obviously they do matter massively! At the end of the day, if everyone else is suffering because of the situation (and you all will) then that also bounces back on the nephew.

He's 10, it won't be long before he's experiencing different problems in becoming a teenager and going to secondary school. He's going to need an awful lot of help and care and consistency. I cannot see how your environment and life set up is going to be helpful to ANY of you, sad as that may be.

I think as you have said, you have to move forward with your own children at the forefront because they absolutely are your responsibility. You already know it's going to be disastrous for everyone. This is not you being mean or not caring. It's actually considering everyone's needs including the nephew's.

It really is an awful dilemma. Taking the boy into your home would potentially be bad for your children even without the overcrowding, so that’s a non starter. I would also feel resentful that the situation had been thrust upon my family basically putting me between that rock and a hard place. But I think I would feel guilt and regret for the rest of my life if I insisted my partner hand him over to care. I think my partner would too and also resent me for it. I doubt a relationship would survive that. I think I would give living separately a chance in the hope we could make it work.

And with the hope things might change. With the love and stability your partner would provide his nephew, the boy might flourish. In time you might feel able to all live together. His mother might recover from whatever is preventing her from caring from him even if it is just a matter of maturing and learning to be a good parent. So maybe there’s a chance he could go back to her. And, although it is a long way off, he will eventually leave home.

I would live apart and hope the relationship be sustained. A clean break might be easier in some ways but I don’t think I could do that.

No you’re not being a total bitch. You need to safeguard the other children too.

What a difficult situation all round. I feel for everyone, but in particular for the young lad who will have the biggest upheaval of all

An extension project with a new baby and a child sleeping on the sofa sounds impossible. What state is the house currently in? Can he sell that and you buy a 4-5 bed?

Your partner sounds like a decent man trying to do the best for his wider family. I agree that you should postpone living together but I don’t think you need to split up over this. Time goes quickly and this little boy may thrive with the right support from his uncle. You could reassess as things progress and have small amounts of contact with the lad at family events which are well supervised. Work at building up a relationship by being a good, kind role model for him. But without living together at this point. It’s not inevitable that he will be a disastrous teen. He may end up being as nice as his uncle.

Is there any chance of an option where he lives with his uncle part time - a family member who was a foster carer used to have a child during the week who went to a grandmother at weekends. It gave him stability and maintained the familial contact. It worked well.

However it pans out, things can be changed and nothing would be set in stone so why not support him to give it a try whilst maintaining separate homes for a year or so longer? Each year you support him to keep his nephew out of the system is a step in the right direction, assuming he is competent to offer good, reliable and consistent care for the child.

I really feel for you. This is such a difficult situation.

Your DP is being naive. Is there anyway you can say to him that you respect him wanting to support his nephew and whilst he does that, you will stay in your existing accommodation? Or move to temp rented nearby? Perhaps the kids stay in their school? I think your DP needs time with the nephew to work it out.

I've really taken on my nephew as he's been kicked out and it's been tough. He has responded to our home though but it's taken a while. This is why I'm thinking maybe you delay your move.

such a difficult situation sending lots of love xx

It's a very emotional situation I'm sure but from a practical point of view you can't fit three children and a baby in a two bedroomed house without huge amounts of aggravation. I'm surprised that people are saying ss would be ok with that.

But he would have known her kids were part of her package from day 1, and had a choice. Not the case with OP, or rather her partner does not seem willing to give her a choice.

It's a tough situation.
And resentment can go both ways, if you agree to this OP and it's a nightmare won't you resent DP yourself?

If it's about timing and space only, I would suggest that you work towards DN living with you, when the house is ready and your baby is a bit older. DP can take a significantly more active role on the child's life until then. And he'll have a picture of what it's like having a newborn in the house by then too.

I think what your DP is proposing is a recipe for disaster, for everyone. If this young boy comes, things break down and then he goes into foster care, that will be more damaging surely. I wouldn't underestimate how triggering it might be for him to see you with your newborn, when he'll be at the peak of his rejection/separation from his mum.
Who on earth is going to hold this boy psychologically in your household?

This little boy has been through a lot and getting him on track will take serious effort and time. If you can honestly imagine being willing to take his on as a family in future, I'd ask to work towards it and discuss this with social care.

How eager would your fella be to take on his nephew if you weren't in the picture OP?

What changes has he made to accommodate his nephew? Changes in work hours to facilitate school runs, local clubs in the area to help nephew settle and build friendships, thoughts on counselling or other support through school maybe. Or has he just thought of sticking him on the sofa fir a few months and you can do the rest as you already have kids? It's easy to say this boy must stay with family and then delegate all the grunt work to the nearest woman in his life. Come to think of it, what support has he offered his nephew to get him away from his neglectful mother, was your DP involving any services, reporting to school, GP or any authority, was he at any point proactively protecting or advocating for his nephew?

Realistically, if he thinks that then it may be the death knell for the relationship anyway. Because it's not just him who gets to feel resentful, it's you as well. You'll resent either feeling emotionally blackmailed into taking on and probably being the lead carer for a child you don't feel equipped to look after, or at feeling like the target of his resentment because you wouldn't do it.

I would try to figure something out. I think you get a kinship allowance, could he use this to rent somewhere separately whilst he works on DN behaviour and take time to integrate into the family?

I do not think you should expose your children to this situation at first, but I do think there are ways you and DH could help.

You are not being unreasonable for considering your own children. However dp is not being unreasonable for wanting to care for his nephew. I think you need to live apart. Dp needs to find somewhere to live with his nephew and build up seeing you and dc gradually. Ss will say he needs his own bed and he can’t share with your children, the sofa won’t be acceptable. No situation is ideal and the timing is far from great either but if it works you can all live together eventually.

Utter shit show all round

Please put your children and their safety and happiness first. It's not too late.