AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

Definitely sounds like he is too much, the texting/calling you if you dont respond is a big red flag. You shouldn't feel exhausted about spending time with someone you've only been dating 6 months, it should feel fun and exciting.

I would walk away and enjoy the alone time!

If you feel smothered and as though he wants more time and availability from you than you want or are able to give then you either need to talk to him about it and agree what acceptable levels of time and communication look like for you; or tell him that you’re not looking for a relationship with the same priorities and level of communication he wants and needs and go your separate ways.

Tell him the space you need, set boundaries, don't let him 'invite himself'. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, then you know what to do.

The thing is I have tried to cut off a few times and he says he will change and pleads for
me to not end things.

honestly the thought of 4 days to myself sounds like absolute heaven.

i was ill a few weeks ago with the flu and it was a day when the kids were with their dad. He made out I was lying so I didn’t have to see him so in the end I just let him come round to see how ill I was.

Tell him you need space, and to stop the phone stuff and then decide how he takes it.

Wave bye bye to this one. You'll regret it if you don't.

He sounds like he would drive me up the wall! I think you need to stop being so passive and address this with him - tell him that you're feeling smothered and it's too much. Set some clear boundaries and if he pushes back, then I'd end the relationship.

If you feel smothered, you feel smothered. There is no AIBU about it.

Either tell him you value time on your own and get very little, and while you appreciate his attentiveness he needs to dial it back a little. Or LTB.

who knows, perhaps he's been taught that he should be giving you all his time, or maybe he's just insecure after previous experience.

Communication, not mind-reading.

Its always the answer.

Seriously?
He's not too nice. He's a cling on. You're getting tired of this already.

You don’t need his permission to end the relationship. If you’ve tried to talk to him about it and he isn’t listening, and is trying to make you feel guilty over things, just tell him it isn’t working for you for all the reasons you’ve previously given him, and block.

You need a proper word with him to tell him to change. He should not be coming round when you’re ill!

I had a sort of boyfriend who wanted to come round all the time too and I just said no. Thankfully it didn’t proceed.

He also said the other day as I said I will see you on x day. He went a day and then said I miss you too much I want to come round, he said he shouldn’t have to ask me if he can come round.

Massive red flags. I think you know you need to end it.

Cocklodger in waiting! I had one like this, they ended up being incredibly controlling.

If you don't want him staying over Easter you need to tell him so. I find it's always a great indicator of what kind of person someone is when they're told 'no'.

I would walk away.

I find people who chase you for a reply to their message (unless it’s an emergency) the height of rudeness. The fact he does it when he knows you’re getting your kids organised shows he has zero respect for your life.

Add in the “too nice” comment and to me he’s a walking red flag.

At this stage of seeing someone it should be fun, not smothering and stressful

Maybe because he lived with his mum, mine is a bit of an escape for him. Where is my escape?

The more you say OP, the worse it gets.

The fact you've already tried to end it before and its only been six months tells me everything we need to know!!

He sounds really hard work. I think it must be hard dating a man with no kids when you have two of your own - you're lives and priorities are so different. He sounds like he clearly doesn't understand what it takes to raise kids and balance work, and the rest / downtime you need from that. Break it off before easter and enjoy your peace!!

Take the four days for yourself. That's your answer really isn't it?

He doesn't sound at all a 'nice guy' to me -- he sounds like someone encroaching, attention-demanding and presumptuous, who has sidestepped much of the time-consuming gruntwork of adulting by continuing to live with his mother. I'd dump and run, or, if you like him enough to want to keep him around on different terms, you set those terms, very firmly. 'No, Nigel, you will not be spending the Easter weekend here. No, I will not be phoning or texting you in the morning, I am getting my children up and getting ready for work. No, I do not want to spend every child-free moment with you.'

Tell him you'd like to see him only once a week (or whatever would work for you), and his reaction to that will tell you a lot about his 'nice guy' credentials.

@Theopdore Red flag!!!

Obsessive contact then pleading when you ask for space?!?

Accusing you of lying when you were ill and making it about him.

I don't think his ex ended things as he was too nice. I think his version of nice is what normal people classify as obsessive.

Tell him no to coming for Easter as you need some time to yourself. If he respects you he will not dispute this.

I'd personally end this NOW.

Yes, 100% end the relationship!! It gets worse and worse!

I think you should end the relationship right away.

If you do stay with him then you need to do a Clare’s Law request.

He’s just a walking red flag on several fronts.

No one is making him live with his mother! He is perfectly at liberty to be a grown up and live independently!

No, no, no, get rid! This pathetic needy puppy needs giving the boot. 🥾