AIBU to feel smothered by someone I have been seeing?

[Theopdore]

I came out of a 20 year marriage 3 years ago. 2 children aged 5 and 8. I have dated in the past but nothing serious. However I met somebody recently and we got on so well etc but I feel completely smothered. He wants to be with me every second I don’t have the kids and I just want some time to myself. He has invited himself over the Easter holiday as the kids are away with their dad and I just feel exhausted at the thought of it.

his background is he has no children. Still lives with his mum and was previously cheated on because apparently he was too nice?

in the mornings I am very busy getting the kids to school/getting to work etc. if I don’t answer within an hour he messages again and rings me and I just don’t need that.

he is a nice guy but maybe I just don’t want a relationship? Or is he too clingy?

we have been seeing each other for around 6 months.

Why are you seeing a grown man who lives with his mum?

He doesn’t sound like a ‘nice guy’ at all. Emotionally blackmailing you to see him and making out your lying. Not respecting your boundaries. Get rid of him op, this will just get worse.

Because he said he had to move back to his mums as she became ill.

How much more proof he is a selfish insert your own expletives do you need? He will move himself in soon.

Of course he needs permission to come round to your house!! Huge red flag.

End it and mean it, it does sound like he'll be hard to get rid of though.

This is what I am dreading?

I don’t know what he will do.

He sounds like he is gearing up to be a cocklodger.

How dare he invite himself over and insist on coming round when you don't want him there! How dare he accuse you of lying when you are ILL!

This "nice guy" is walking all over you. I don't think he sounds nice at all.

“He made out I was lying so I didn’t have to see him so in the end I just let him come round to see how ill I was.”

So is controlling, manipulative, doesn’t respect boundaries, actively lovebombing you and coercive?
This is not a nice guy! Could he have ended up back living at his Mum’s because he was the cheating party - or because his insufferable suspicions and insecurities led his ex to kick him out?

I don’t think you’re getting the whole story here and it would be a Huge mistake to continue the relationship.
He will be moving his stuff in with you and cocklodging to get out of mummy’s house before you know it…

I feel smothered by this guy and I don't even know him.

He is a clinger. You have clearly stated that you were busy / ill but he won't accept it and keeps pushing. He doesnt respect your boundaries or your time. No wonder you feel suffocated!

It's only been 6 months - this is supposed to be the fun part.

Better done sooner rather than later then. Imagine how much worse this would be 6 months down the line.

He's completely ignoring your wants and needs to put his own firmly first.

You need to end this now and never let him meet your kids, because you can guarantee he's going to be jealous of them taking up your time.

Something you need to consider for future dating is, 'Why have I let him do this to me for SIX months?'

Draw a line in the sand for anyone else you date in the future.

In fact, dig a trench.

I know and the thought of that gives me the ick. I’m done but I don’t know how he will take it.

Do not make this your problem.

It isn't.

Cheated on because he’s too nice is a new twist on the script.

Sorry OP but he sounds like an insecure controlling nightmare waiting to make your life a misery if you dare to want to take a piss without him standing outside the bathroom door

Why did you write he was ‘nice’. There is absolutely nothing nice about him from what you’ve written! He is totally selfish, focussed only on what he wants, dismissive of your needs or wants; nasty and gaslighting you when you were ill. He has zero self awareness if he hasn’t grown from being dumped last time, and still believes it’s because he was too nice.
there is no way I’d choose being in a relationship like this over being single.

Based on your updates, I would end this now, OP. He sounds god-awful. He sounds like one of those fake babies they hand out to teens they think are in danger of early pregnancy, the ones that are programmed to cry and need constant attention and feeding, rocking and changing etc.

i was ill a few weeks ago with the flu and it was a day when the kids were with their dad. He made out I was lying so I didn’t have to see him so in the end I just let him come round to see how ill I was.

He's abusive.

He also said the other day as I said I will see you on x day. He went a day and then said I miss you too much I want to come round, he said he shouldn’t have to ask me if he can come round

Again, he's abusive.

He doesn't respect your boundaries, accuses you of lying, doesn't listen when you ask him to back off, and doesn't believe that you should be allowed to make your own choices about your free time.

This isn't 'Aw, I miss you'. It's 'I am going to control your spare time and I can see you whenever I want whether you like it or not'.

You would be insane to continue a relationship with this man.

This is what I am dreading?
I don’t know what he will do.

For the third time: he's abusive.

Just because he isn't hitting you or shouting at you, that doesn't mean he's a nice guy. He isn't.

Tell him it's over, you never want to see him again, and if he ever tries calling round or contacting you, you will report him to the police for harassment. Get back your boundaries and chuck this loser far into the sea. The first few months, nay, years of a relationship should bring you both happiness most days, if not every day. This doesn't - end it and move on.

Wait till he moves in and controls you with sulking! Get rid

Yes, that you refer to him as a 'nice guy' despite his behaviour to you is the single most disturbing thing about this thread.

Tell him via phone/text. You’ve only been together 6 months, you don’t owe him more than that considering his behaviour.
This guy has red flag written all over him, and the fact that you’re worried about his reaction shows you’re potentially setting yourself up to be controlled/emotionally abused by him if you don’t end it now.
Do it now. Keep emotions out of it and give a generic reason for ending it if you don’t feel strong enough to call him out on his behaviour. I just know he’d be the sort to argue his case and refuse to take no for an answer considering his lack of respect for you boundaries so far.
You need to do it quickly and distract yourself with positive projects/plans to get him out of your headspace - they always try to worm their way back in otherwise. You are clearly a good, kind person but you are not being unkind by doing this. You need to have firm boundaries and put yourself first.
Then you can look forward to a lovely relaxing Easter!

Well done for working out you need to get rid of this man.

what are you scared that he will do if you dump him?

@Theopdore are your boundaries strong enough to be dating? Said kindly.

You shouldn’t have to prove your illness to anyone and no one should be
inviting yourself over without your full agreement.

Posted before I read your updates - fucking hell OP this isn’t a nice guy he’s a creepy boundary pushing controlling stalkery nightmare.

Tell him it’s over and you won’t enter into any discussion. Then block him