AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

[Malloryknoxsnose]

I am in a quite new relationship ( a few months) albeit have known this person a long time (around 5-6 years).

We've just spent a weekend together.

We planned the weekend, went out for the day on Saturday looking around a new city, and Sunday night we were just going to go to the pub near me for some drinks with a friend of mine. This is a pub I have a close connection to, I go in there on my way home from work, help organise events for them, I know most of the regulars and all the bar staff, she has been in there with me many times and always seemed happy there, has met most of my 'pub friends' and always had a good chat with them, all fine.

Sunday evening we were sitting watching TV and I said 'right, I will go and get myself ready' and she seemed surprised and asked 'for what?!' I reminded her that we were going to the pub to meet my friend.

She said she didn't know we were going and I reminded her that I had told her, but also said that if she didn't feel like it that was fine, I could cancel. She said it was okay and we both got ready and went. We got there around 9pm and the pub shuts at 1030pm, it wasn't going to be a long night(if relevant)!

When we got to the pub she was very quiet. I asked what she wanted to drink, she said she didn't want one. I was obviously surprised at this but tried to not make a big deal of it. Barman knows what she usually drinks and asked 'are you sure' and was also surprised, I asked if she wanted a soft drink instead, she said no.

My friend arrived and him and my girlfriend have a particular interest in 'real ales' and often spend time trying new ones and discussing them and he was telling her enthusiastically about the new one the pub had, and she barely grunted at him. He thinks a lot of her, we've spent time at events together and was very happy when we got together and was visibly confused.

I was half way through my glass of wine when I asked her if she wanted to leave, I could drive her straight back home if I didn't finish it, and she said no It's fine, to stay.

I was obviously worried about her and embarrassed but I didn't know what to do. At one point she took herself off in another room for a while, and then when she went to the loo my friend asked what was wrong with her, had we fallen out? I said no, nothing and I had no idea what was wrong.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

We had two more drinks in total but, after I had finished my second one (she hadn't had one at all at this point) I went to the loo and when I came back she had bought herself one but not me. I felt that this must have really meant she was upset with me for some reason and we left shortly following. We were sitting at the bar and I was noticing the bar staff looking at me try to work out what was wrong.

We talked a little when we got home, and she said she'd felt like crying all day, was very down and didn't know why. She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong). This isn't true at all! But I did find her behaviour very odd, and if I am honest, rude. She left yesterday after asking me to take her for lunch, where we did discuss some things again and she said she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette' hence her not buying me a drink when she bought her own. I said I wasn't concerned really about that particular small thing overall, but it looks weird to bar staff and isn't a very nice thing to do to me.

I am not completely naive regarding depression. I have suffered myself, but I wouldn't ever behave like this. AIBU to be feeling like this? What would others have done in this situation?

YABU. You made her feel picked on when she was obviously not feeling her best and didn't really want to be there. Even now, you're judging- calling her rude and saying you wouldn't "ever behave like this". Like what? Quiet? Buying herself a drink because everyone had been pressuring her to have one since she got there, but not getting you one because you'd already had two? Even if that might have seemed slightly thoughtless, you do seem to have taken disproportionate offence.

There's lots in here about her getting to know your friends- you don't say whether you've spent an equal amount of time with hers. Even if you have, socialising with a newish partner's friends isn't as easy or natural as seeing your own- you're always going to feel that you're being judged, and here you've added to that by scrutinising her mood all the time you were there, and then criticising her afterwards.

She should perhaps have stayed at home, or said when you first made the plan that she didn't fancy joining you (people can be grumpy on Sunday nights at the best of times!). But it can be hard to be honest during the earlyish stages of a relationship- and in all honesty I don't think you've made it any easier.

It sounds like you need to have an honest conversation how you spend time together- do you maybe live in different places, and that's why you're doing whole weekends together where one of you goes to the other's home, which can be quite intense? Either way, it seems like she might be someone who needs a bit more downtime at the end of a weekend, and needs to be able to say when her social flame is burning low. If you like her, you need to try and understand instead of rushing to tell her where she's gone wrong- I don't think your relationship will survive if you keep doing that.

I've had bouts of depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and I can imagine exes of mine earlier in my life having written similar things about my behaviour on occasion when I was feeling insecure about a relationship and struggling to say what I actually wanted. I'd be willing to bet she wanted a quiet night in but didn't feel like she could say that because you'd decide she was boring. Close relationships were actually a major anxiety trigger for me, hence my behaviour getting weirder the more serious things got. If you care about her, encourage her to get help and see a therapist, but don't feel obliged to continue the relationship if it's not working for you. If you can though, offer to support her as a friend regardless of whether you're in a relationship or not.

I mean, if I wasn't feeling down, I wouldn't have agreed to go and would have said, if someone had offered for us to not go.

If I was out as a couple, I wouldn't ever buy myself a drink without offering to see if my partner wanted one first.

She hasn't got any friends she spends time with, I am happy to do what she wants if I am in her vicinity though. Of the friend who was there last night, he has taken us to events before as a couple, even before we were together (I think I mentioned this in the OP.

If it is helpful, she doesn't work (if this is what the 'grumpy on a Sunday night' thing could mean?

I have listened to her about Sunday night. And have asked her since if she has worked out what was wrong and/or wants to talk about it but she said she hasn't and doesn't.
And have concluded that we won't go to the pub unless she actively tells me she wants to go (she was upset with me for saying this too!) but it has made me wary about organising anything with her. Yes, we do live far apart but she prefers to visit me rather than the other way around.

Yes, we were close friends before getting together. I wouldn't have said she was boring!
We stayed in Fri and Saturday night together.

Thank you for your insight. I am anxious about it all now.

This is perfectly normal for depression. Avoiding social situations and not being able to chat are both symptoms. Perhaps depression isn't what you believe it to be. It's not necessarily about low mood or sitting in the corner crying. It involves cognitive symptoms and avoiding things that require the person to put any effort in.

It sounds like you're judging her by referring to her 'behaviour', and perhaps you regard her like a parent would regard a naughty child. This in itself will make her depression worse. Perhaps you're not compatible. Depression can oftentimes only be managed, as opposed to cured.

I wouldn't have minded if she had have said she didn't want to go out. I don't know if I am judging, I am not sure what else I would use to describe it?

She's supported me through my suffering from depression a few times but, it hasn't ever involved socialising/not socialising as she lives far from me and doesn't really go out anywhere involving people.

As someone whose husband suffered from depression when our children was young, it was extremely difficult (for him and us) and would find this very hard work in a new relationship-it might put me off continuing the relationship altogether, to be honest.

I am sorry you went through that, I don't have children and cannot imagine how hard that would be. What would be the reasons for you to be put off?

I understand she was struggling (that was obvious and I did offer to take us both back home, and tried to figure out what was wrong) but I struggled too and I didn't know what on earth to say to my friend who was looking forward to seeing us both, or the bar staff who know me well and were happy I'd found a new relationship. Very awkward for me.

I guess the best thing to do here is to not ask her to go out socialising unless she actively suggests it but, when I said that I would do this just with regards to my local pub, she was upset and said I was punishing her.

My son was in the very similar scenario to this a few months back !!
He started seeing a girl he had known for a while and everything was totally fine and within 8 weeks everything was totally different and it really confused him and and his anxiety went throu the roof .
It was early days in the relationship where they should of just been having fun anyways it turns out she was depressed and she hadn't mentioned it til it got super confusing and she had an E/D !
Depression is a very hard thing to deal with especially in a new relationship !
So you had got to decide whether u can be in a relationship my son ended things because it wasn't what he signed up for !

From your post, I think the only thing you did wrong was repeatedly asking her what was wrong. You should've accepted she didn't want a drink and moved on.

Saying that though, youre not a bloody mind reader and I think people are being a bit harsh expecting you to second guess her.

Many, if not most people with depression will hide it. This can appear deliberately secretive, but it's not meant to be. It's mostly due to feelings of shame and inadequacy.

Well I did accept it, as I said in the OP I didn't make a big deal out of it and I acted normal to the barman and just paid for my own drink and left it. My friend offered her one when he got there but, why wouldn't he, that's his normal behaviour and he didn't know anything wasn't normal.

Perhaps yes, I asked too many times if she was okay. But if I hadn't, I feel like this would have perpetuated what she was already thinking (as she said) that I 'cared about other people more than her', I didn't feel like I could just ignore it, much as I did to the extent of carrying on with my evening like all was okay (until my friend asked what on earth was wrong, had we fallen out etc).

The feelings of inadequacy reminds me, when we had lunch the following day she asked me if I 'still thought she was good enough for me'. I said yes. I asked if she feels she isn't? As I felt it may come from something like what you say, too. But she denied this.

Her behaviour was unacceptable OP. Illness does not excuse poor behaviour although it can explain it. I would be wary in your shoes because she seems to be unable to use her words to tell you what she wants, and you clearly spent the whole night treading on eggshells around her. If you cement this dynamic in your relationship you will be doing it and feeling like this forever.

She has gone out knowing she wasn’t
in the mood to do so, so making the evening awkward and unpleasant for everyone else. It would had been better for her to say she wasn’t in a good place so could you both either stay at home or she wouldn’t go.

Thank you I was most definitely treading on eggshells, and when we got back, and the following day. I still am a little to be honest, I am at working but we're communicating over messages and she's being very 'normal' but there's an elephant in the room for me.

Having been on the other side of this, the best thing you can do is reassure her you are genuinely interested in how she feels and what she wants (and mean it) but be prepared to draw your own boundaries about what you can and can't do. You can't save her from depression, you can't predict her needs, you shouldn't end your social life to shield her, but you can encourage honest and open communication and support her if she chooses to get help. For those saying run a mile, a supportive and loving relationship absolutely can help recovery from depression, but only if she's open to actively working on it herself.

You seem overly concerned about the bar staff and how they viewed the situation.

I know what you're saying, I also know it isn't a huge deal in the great scheme of things, we're both in our 40s and I have had more than my fair share of bad times much worse than a couple of awkward hours in a pub!

But it was awful for me and a total shock and I don't understand why she'd be like that with me, and then be annoyed with me for being upset about it.

Her depression does not mean you don’t get to have feelings too, especially not when those feelings are directly related to her treatment of you. Do not diminish your feelings, they are just as valid as hers. And she cannot just decide everything is back to normal now on your behalf.

Just an example of how others noticed and I didn't know how to handle it. If she was like this out on a walk, and we were alone, that's one thing but now I know they'll ask me questions and be concerned and I don't know what to say.

Because they’re the OP’s friends. I’d be really annoyed if my partner behaved like that in front of my friends too.

Yes, the lad who served us is only young, but I know his older sister as well, and there's a lot of mutual connection there. Always have a good chat with him. He has confided in me about things before and knows me well, he also knows my Mum and has done work for her!Not a random pub somewhere where I don't have to talk to them ever again.

You tell them your relationship is none of their business, because it isn't.

If she hadn’t felt up to going out she should have been mature enough to tell you. It’s the job of a partner to be caring and considerate but the ultimate responsibility for managing themselves lies with the individual. You guys need to have a chat about the evening, with no judgment and defensiveness on either side. If she is able to do this then you could find a way forward. If she’s defensive and blaming or refuses to see your perspective, then I don’t see how you can have a decent relationship going forward