AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

[Malloryknoxsnose]

I am in a quite new relationship ( a few months) albeit have known this person a long time (around 5-6 years).

We've just spent a weekend together.

We planned the weekend, went out for the day on Saturday looking around a new city, and Sunday night we were just going to go to the pub near me for some drinks with a friend of mine. This is a pub I have a close connection to, I go in there on my way home from work, help organise events for them, I know most of the regulars and all the bar staff, she has been in there with me many times and always seemed happy there, has met most of my 'pub friends' and always had a good chat with them, all fine.

Sunday evening we were sitting watching TV and I said 'right, I will go and get myself ready' and she seemed surprised and asked 'for what?!' I reminded her that we were going to the pub to meet my friend.

She said she didn't know we were going and I reminded her that I had told her, but also said that if she didn't feel like it that was fine, I could cancel. She said it was okay and we both got ready and went. We got there around 9pm and the pub shuts at 1030pm, it wasn't going to be a long night(if relevant)!

When we got to the pub she was very quiet. I asked what she wanted to drink, she said she didn't want one. I was obviously surprised at this but tried to not make a big deal of it. Barman knows what she usually drinks and asked 'are you sure' and was also surprised, I asked if she wanted a soft drink instead, she said no.

My friend arrived and him and my girlfriend have a particular interest in 'real ales' and often spend time trying new ones and discussing them and he was telling her enthusiastically about the new one the pub had, and she barely grunted at him. He thinks a lot of her, we've spent time at events together and was very happy when we got together and was visibly confused.

I was half way through my glass of wine when I asked her if she wanted to leave, I could drive her straight back home if I didn't finish it, and she said no It's fine, to stay.

I was obviously worried about her and embarrassed but I didn't know what to do. At one point she took herself off in another room for a while, and then when she went to the loo my friend asked what was wrong with her, had we fallen out? I said no, nothing and I had no idea what was wrong.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

We had two more drinks in total but, after I had finished my second one (she hadn't had one at all at this point) I went to the loo and when I came back she had bought herself one but not me. I felt that this must have really meant she was upset with me for some reason and we left shortly following. We were sitting at the bar and I was noticing the bar staff looking at me try to work out what was wrong.

We talked a little when we got home, and she said she'd felt like crying all day, was very down and didn't know why. She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong). This isn't true at all! But I did find her behaviour very odd, and if I am honest, rude. She left yesterday after asking me to take her for lunch, where we did discuss some things again and she said she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette' hence her not buying me a drink when she bought her own. I said I wasn't concerned really about that particular small thing overall, but it looks weird to bar staff and isn't a very nice thing to do to me.

I am not completely naive regarding depression. I have suffered myself, but I wouldn't ever behave like this. AIBU to be feeling like this? What would others have done in this situation?

Yes,I understand what you mean. As I said, fascinating but so dark in some ways. Our brains are our worst enemy. I am of course now wondering what I do along the lines you mention. I am sure there are some that aren't so great, in every one of us. I just try to be understanding of differences and respectful of feelings even if I will never understand them.

My Dad had an awful childhood. Mine most definitely 'fucked me up' even though it wasn't anywhere near as bad.

That poem is genius.

I hope Philip Larkin's parents are proud 😉

Thank you, I should know that really! I just feel like I've gone on and on!

I am finding it awkward! I mean, if someone booked an uber to somewhere for me and them I'd say 'shall I give you half or shall I just pay on the way back' or something. It's important to be fair, surely? It's really surprised me that she's been like this, I haven't known her be like this ever before.

At meals out, bill comes and she says nothing at all. I am always the one who drives us (or sorts transport out if we're drinking or some other reason I am not driving). It's as if it is totally a given that she doesn't contribute. I find it quite weird!

I didn't mention it but I have also taken her out/away for her birthday in the time we've been together, of course in this event it is totally normal for me to pay, but overall it adds to how much I have done/paid for. I drove us there and organised everything, was happy to.

Of the event, again it is occupying so much headspace. The night before last she was again, ranting at me about it and I was ready to sleep, I couldn't' be of much use. One thing that sticks out is 'I have NEVER been made to be around someone's ex!'

I have, several times had call to be in the same vicinity as someone's ex but, maybe I am overly easy going? I just, didn't give it a thought, paths cross, people have mutual friends/kids/do the same things. Maybe it isn't normal.

My feelings on this event are 'lovely get together to remember (friend) and see everyone else who valued him'. There'll be some sad moments perhaps, but I was looking forward to it.

I feel like all of this drama has been added on.

I am not going to say you're wrong about her perhaps causing drama at the actual thing either. I can't think how, but...

Post as much as you want as often as you want. Nobody could reasonably object and the more you post the more the site owners will be pleased!

This is another drama surrounding a social event and your friends or acquaintances. Maybe it's underlying anxiety about going to any social gatherings at all and this is how it plays out: by latching onto some specific aspect of it. Or maybe she just wants to keep you to herself.

Then you have the lopsided situation about paying for things. Of course it's not fair if she says she has money. It's not in the spirit of generosity to your partner not to offer to chip in for meals or a taxi even if there is a disparity between your incomes or wealth. It sounds like freeloading.

Somehow you have become the payer by default. How did that happen? Her not offering means the onus is on you to ask her to contribute, which puts you into an awkward position because it is a tricky subject to bring up between friends or partners without appearing to be keeping a ledger or being mean towards the poorer person. That compounds the unfairness.

You can only change it by changing the visiting pattern or by directly raising the subject. And raising it carries risks you may not care to take - will it offend or will it be more drama and drawn out discussions? Should you have to tiptoe around her or should things like that not be naturally easy and agreeably give and take between partners? It does show a lack of harmony in the relationship in that area and a gulf between the types of characters you are.

I am sorry to say I've avoided talking to her yet. I am not sure what to say and I do have a conflict avoidance streak. I may have had it in childhood but I'm inclined to think 'if my boss spoke to me like that she'd be up for disciplinary! Why should you get away with it?'.

I really thought that as we worked so well as friend and had feelings, that it was a good basis for a relationship. Lesson learned.

That's true!

I have thought similar myself, that she doesn't like going out and doing things as a rule. She goes out for her hobby, shopping, and the occasional other day out. Since we've been together, we've been out for dinner, drinks, gigs (got Ubers to/from the gig as not walking distance, nowhere to park anywhere near it either), shows, museums, hotels (I have just remembered another one I paid for!)a guided city tour etc etc, lots of different things.

Before I began thinking differently I was thinking of just making sure we don't go out from now on. Which is fine, I mean I enjoy staying in and cooking and having a bottle of wine and watching TV etc too, we don't have to go out.

Part of me thinks perhaps she sees it as I am the one who wants to go out, so it should be me who pays?

I wouldn't be like this. If someone invited me to go to a gig with them, even if it isn't something I'd normally choose, I'd offer the money for the ticket. If they said 'no, it is on me!' then fine, but I would definitely offer and I would definitely not assume transport costs were for them to pay too.

As for how it became that way, the first time we stayed in a hotel it was that we decided to meet half way between us to discuss progressing our relationship to more than friends. I figured that with other commitments it might be a bit of a squeeze so suggested we stay over. My idea, and me who couldn't get there until later I wanted, so I paid.

Second time, a 'do' aforementioned lovely friend organised and invited us to. I figured the hotel would cost the same whether it was just me or both of us so I paid.
Maybe I set the precedent?
But if it were the other way around I would've never taken it that way. But then I'd have offered up half for the hotel too.

It's funny because I dated a woman briefly a couple of years ago who for one weekend (the last one I saw her) expected me to pay for everything we did and gf was very vocal about how wrong that was.

For various practical reasons me visiting there more would be trickier for both of us.

You're right, any discussions that aren't very lighthearted, I am having to think through now. Things that I feel a harmonious partnership should be able to talk through and fix calmly.

It should happen naturally that one says 'I'll pay for this; you paid for the car / hotel / dinner' or 'you paid the last time we went out; my turn', or 'I'll go halves on this' and you can go 'No, I'll get it because it was my idea; you can get it the next time we go to the gig / pub/ whatever'.

Otherwise you carry on paying and resent it or you have to have a whole full blown 'discussion' about who pays for what and why. Unless of course the next time you go out you discover you've forgotten your wallet!

Or you decide to wipe the slate, forget about what happened each time before and just set a new pattern, so the next time you go out, don't automatically reach for the bill but wait a moment, see if she steps in and if not, then say 'Shall we split this'?

That's exactly how I feel it should be!

I dated a wealthy woman once, far so much more in 'liquid assets' than me. I couldn't necessarily afford to pay what she paid, but I made sure I paid my way! I might not be able to take her out to dinner as regularly as she could me, but I am a good cook and have decent taste in wine. I am confident that it wasn't ever a problem. We only dated briefly but parted on good terms and our reasons for not continuing weren't anything to do with money.

Yes, that's give and take. It's normal to do something even if it's not the same level of contribution. You know yourself it hasn't been fair up to this point. It's good, though, to ask others for opinions as it's always helpful to check whether you've considered different points of view.