AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

[Malloryknoxsnose]

I am in a quite new relationship ( a few months) albeit have known this person a long time (around 5-6 years).

We've just spent a weekend together.

We planned the weekend, went out for the day on Saturday looking around a new city, and Sunday night we were just going to go to the pub near me for some drinks with a friend of mine. This is a pub I have a close connection to, I go in there on my way home from work, help organise events for them, I know most of the regulars and all the bar staff, she has been in there with me many times and always seemed happy there, has met most of my 'pub friends' and always had a good chat with them, all fine.

Sunday evening we were sitting watching TV and I said 'right, I will go and get myself ready' and she seemed surprised and asked 'for what?!' I reminded her that we were going to the pub to meet my friend.

She said she didn't know we were going and I reminded her that I had told her, but also said that if she didn't feel like it that was fine, I could cancel. She said it was okay and we both got ready and went. We got there around 9pm and the pub shuts at 1030pm, it wasn't going to be a long night(if relevant)!

When we got to the pub she was very quiet. I asked what she wanted to drink, she said she didn't want one. I was obviously surprised at this but tried to not make a big deal of it. Barman knows what she usually drinks and asked 'are you sure' and was also surprised, I asked if she wanted a soft drink instead, she said no.

My friend arrived and him and my girlfriend have a particular interest in 'real ales' and often spend time trying new ones and discussing them and he was telling her enthusiastically about the new one the pub had, and she barely grunted at him. He thinks a lot of her, we've spent time at events together and was very happy when we got together and was visibly confused.

I was half way through my glass of wine when I asked her if she wanted to leave, I could drive her straight back home if I didn't finish it, and she said no It's fine, to stay.

I was obviously worried about her and embarrassed but I didn't know what to do. At one point she took herself off in another room for a while, and then when she went to the loo my friend asked what was wrong with her, had we fallen out? I said no, nothing and I had no idea what was wrong.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

We had two more drinks in total but, after I had finished my second one (she hadn't had one at all at this point) I went to the loo and when I came back she had bought herself one but not me. I felt that this must have really meant she was upset with me for some reason and we left shortly following. We were sitting at the bar and I was noticing the bar staff looking at me try to work out what was wrong.

We talked a little when we got home, and she said she'd felt like crying all day, was very down and didn't know why. She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong). This isn't true at all! But I did find her behaviour very odd, and if I am honest, rude. She left yesterday after asking me to take her for lunch, where we did discuss some things again and she said she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette' hence her not buying me a drink when she bought her own. I said I wasn't concerned really about that particular small thing overall, but it looks weird to bar staff and isn't a very nice thing to do to me.

I am not completely naive regarding depression. I have suffered myself, but I wouldn't ever behave like this. AIBU to be feeling like this? What would others have done in this situation?

She’s being normal because she got what she wanted; attention and you walking on eggshells

end this, get out now, this will only get worse

it’s not your job to fix her

You aren’t a mind reader and I don’t think you did anything wrong. I also have depression and although it can present differently in people, what she did feels like a trap. Said she’d go to the pub and then made it obvious she didn’t want to be there and moaned afterwards. If it’s a new relationship I would genuinely consider ending things.

This.
That was poor, attention-seeking behaviour, all designed to have others focusing on her. If she had really been feeling down/ depressed she would have accepted her usual drink and sat with it quietly, not made a fuss. Or she wouldnt have gone out at all if she had been so bad.

I would think very carefully about taking this relationship further.

Her mental health is not yours.
listen to her.

It was blatantly obvious to anyone who saw her. She looked totally miserable, didn't talk to anyone, obviously wasn't drinking anything (which is weird in a pub and the barman instantly assumed we'd fallen out, I had no idea anything was wrong at all up until this point), disappeared for a bit (I originally assumed she'd gone to the loo but she said she'd just taken herself off into another room) on her own, wouldn't talk to my friend other than a few short words, everyone who knew her there was aware and my friend was shocked and concerned about her and about us. I felt very bad for taking her there, but I had no idea anything was wrong until we were actually there.

My ex was like that and I am so pleased we are no longer together.

It is very hard work going out with someone like that who gets depressed.

I was quite embarrassed. I was looking forward to it and I felt very torn between pretending all was okay and trying to make sure she was okay and also wondering what the right thing to do was.

This.
I'd be very wary of developing a partner relationship with her, or anyone with depression. It can easily become such an overwhelming part of a relationship and it wouldn't be what I chose for myself. It may be better just to remain friends and support her just as a friend.

An ex partner of mine from years ago admitted that they did just that. Would try to bring me down or ruin days out/social occasions because she didn't like to see me happy when she was miserable. It was exhausting, and not a mindset I can understand. I hope this isn't what's happening here.

I think it was bad manners too and I am not fully buying that she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette'. But yes, I did offer to stay home, and offered to have us leave. She put on a nice shirt and seemed fine on the short drive there, it was right up until we got there until she changed

Yes u sound similar to my son previously he has put up with situations because he doesn't want to hurt anyone and is blinded by clear red flags but he's learning and this time I did say I can see red flags you are getting anxious it's not normal for someone else to make u feel like u have done something wrong and when u ask they don't help the situation by not giving a clear answer to what the problem is is confusing ,!!!!! Id say get yourself out of that situation ,there are so many more compatible people out there !
He's now with someone who knows how to communicate and he can't believe the difference!!!

I know this will sound horrible but life is too short for this. I understand that she can't just snap out of being depressed but she is inevitably going to drag you down with her and alienate you from your friends. I'd stick by your friends and cut it this relationship loose if I was you.

She has one friend she sees a lot (at her house) but doesn't do anything social really. I am worried this will happen again. I have thought about nothing else all day

I think her behaviour does come across as passive agressive and basically poor manners op fwiw. Especially when you gave her several opportunities to stay at home or go home early.

The only thing I would say is that the way you have written this, it comes across like you were just as, or even more worried, about your friends noticing and you feeling embarrassed, as you were worried about what was wrong with her.

Do you think she may be jealous in some of your friends generally? It’s early on in the relationship but is she worried perhaps that you always put your friends first?

The good enough comment at lunch next day may have come from a place of her feeling like she has to pass your friends’ approval before she gets yours?

Either way, she should have articulated what was wrong more clearly. Even a comment like “I don’t know why I am feeling like this, sorry that I am behaving strangely” would have been better than nothing. And withholding an answer when you asked what you could do to help was not fair on her part, as long as you asked her in private!

YANBU. If she'd felt like crying all day she should've stayed home and not gone with you to the pub. You could have both stayed home as it sounds like that was something you were offering.

To agree to go to the pub, then not want a drink, then buy a drink for yourself and nobody else, it's all a no-no. It sounds a bit passive-aggressive. Also, why isn't she working?

An adult who doesn't understand pub etiquette? No thank you.

I think she was punishing you for wanting you guys to go out.

Depression or not, she had loads of outs.
She chose to go out and ruin the evening.

100% her choice.
This is your life and this is your future.

Tip toeing around her and her moods.

Many many people suffer from depression and they don't behave so rudely that everyone is wondering WTF is wrong.

Life is too short.
Get out now.
Otherwise this is your future.
Don't waste it on someone like this.
So not worth it.

She’s a sulker.

Ditch her now. It won’t improve.

Run. It sounds like a personality disorder.

She sounds like an attention seeker!

We are discussing it (over messages) now but she is being very 'off' and quite snappy with me.

I will say, it isn't as if I told her three weeks ago that we'd be going to the pub on Sunday night and then didn't mention it since. I said a few days prior that my friend would want to see her but knowing she isn't the most sociable, we'd probably be better going on the Sunday rather than the Sat as we'd have been out all day Sat anyway. Sunday afternoon (when I had got back from walking my dog) I said something like 'Well until we go to the pub I am not leaving the house again! It's awful weather!' or such. So I had mentioned it.

She isn't happy, is saying that (friend who took us to several events over the past two years and who she discusses real ale with etc) is my friend not hers so tell him whatever I like, and I have asked her what is best for me to do next time and she's said there won't be a next time as she'll hide how she feels. So I don't feel talking to her has got us anywhere at all.

I’d be really pissed off if my partner treated me like that in front of my friends or people who knew me. Having depression does not give you the right to be rude to others, to blank them in conversation and make everyone uncomfortable.
If she did not feel like going out she had every opportunity to say so. If she got there and found it too difficult she could have said that she was tired or not feeling well and left.
It seems that she wasn’t feeling up to going out but she also didn’t want anyone else to enjoy themselves . Rude and selfish- and you shouldn’t have to tip toe around this early in a relationship.
And yes - I’ve been depressed and my DP has had significant mental health problems but we still try to be considerate. And if we can’t manage that and behave like an arse we acknowledge that and apologise

Shades of controlling behaviour here. You gave her plenty of opportunity to use her words. Hopefully its a one off but if ot keeps happening then I'd say call it a day.

No, you're not being unreasonable.

I'd be really pissed of if my dh came with me to spend time with friends and sat there not speaking and acting moody.

If he did this at the start of our relationship, I wouldn't be with him. Either come and be sociable, stay at home or use your bloody voice and say you're not feeling it. I'm not walking around on eggshells and feeling anxious and making my friends question what is wrong for anybody.

The drink thing wouldn't bother me but I would wonder why a drink was only ordered when I had left the room.

You don't get to act like a child because you suffer from depression. And yes, I suffer with depression amongst other things.

I'd be questioning my relationship in all honesty.