AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

[Malloryknoxsnose]

I am in a quite new relationship ( a few months) albeit have known this person a long time (around 5-6 years).

We've just spent a weekend together.

We planned the weekend, went out for the day on Saturday looking around a new city, and Sunday night we were just going to go to the pub near me for some drinks with a friend of mine. This is a pub I have a close connection to, I go in there on my way home from work, help organise events for them, I know most of the regulars and all the bar staff, she has been in there with me many times and always seemed happy there, has met most of my 'pub friends' and always had a good chat with them, all fine.

Sunday evening we were sitting watching TV and I said 'right, I will go and get myself ready' and she seemed surprised and asked 'for what?!' I reminded her that we were going to the pub to meet my friend.

She said she didn't know we were going and I reminded her that I had told her, but also said that if she didn't feel like it that was fine, I could cancel. She said it was okay and we both got ready and went. We got there around 9pm and the pub shuts at 1030pm, it wasn't going to be a long night(if relevant)!

When we got to the pub she was very quiet. I asked what she wanted to drink, she said she didn't want one. I was obviously surprised at this but tried to not make a big deal of it. Barman knows what she usually drinks and asked 'are you sure' and was also surprised, I asked if she wanted a soft drink instead, she said no.

My friend arrived and him and my girlfriend have a particular interest in 'real ales' and often spend time trying new ones and discussing them and he was telling her enthusiastically about the new one the pub had, and she barely grunted at him. He thinks a lot of her, we've spent time at events together and was very happy when we got together and was visibly confused.

I was half way through my glass of wine when I asked her if she wanted to leave, I could drive her straight back home if I didn't finish it, and she said no It's fine, to stay.

I was obviously worried about her and embarrassed but I didn't know what to do. At one point she took herself off in another room for a while, and then when she went to the loo my friend asked what was wrong with her, had we fallen out? I said no, nothing and I had no idea what was wrong.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

We had two more drinks in total but, after I had finished my second one (she hadn't had one at all at this point) I went to the loo and when I came back she had bought herself one but not me. I felt that this must have really meant she was upset with me for some reason and we left shortly following. We were sitting at the bar and I was noticing the bar staff looking at me try to work out what was wrong.

We talked a little when we got home, and she said she'd felt like crying all day, was very down and didn't know why. She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong). This isn't true at all! But I did find her behaviour very odd, and if I am honest, rude. She left yesterday after asking me to take her for lunch, where we did discuss some things again and she said she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette' hence her not buying me a drink when she bought her own. I said I wasn't concerned really about that particular small thing overall, but it looks weird to bar staff and isn't a very nice thing to do to me.

I am not completely naive regarding depression. I have suffered myself, but I wouldn't ever behave like this. AIBU to be feeling like this? What would others have done in this situation?

She sounds like quite hard work

I can tell you one thing OP, I would be out of there. Honestly much too much drama. I’d be happier on my own. I’d want to be treated with respect and I really wouldn’t care about the reason why she can’t do that.
She’s not my child that I need to care for come what may. I wouldn’t put up with that behaviour from a partner of a few months. Why would I do that to myself?

I am struggling to see her as calculating. That to me means she did this on purpose to get a reaction/see how I would react.

Well, of course she did it on purpose to get a reaction. That’s very obvious. She was sulking for exactly the same reason a child sulks - she wanted everyone to know she was annoyed and she wanted to ruin your evening. She’s controlling you through her behaviour.

I’m honestly astonished (and also quite concerned) that you can’t see how manipulative her behaviour was. She behaved appallingly and then gaslit you by telling you that you were the one at fault.

I don’t think you answered my earlier question re. whether you’re the same poster whose girlfriend kicked off when you were out for longer than expected on a day when you weren’t even together. If you’re not, the similarity is truly uncanny (two women, used to be friends but now a couple, one is a regular at her local pub and has a close male friend there, the girlfriend doesn’t work but sells a few bits online). If you are, then it’s even more obvious that your girlfriend is extremely controlling and difficult.

Does she have anxiety as well as depression?
My daughter behaves like this sometimes, it's when she's overall having a low patch, then the anxiety ramps up, then this behaviour while out in public occurs when she's desperately trying to hold in a panic attack. She explains that she is concentrating SO HARD on trying to just breathe through her airways that feel like they are closing, that she simply cannot do ANYthing else- no smiles, no conversation, nothing. She says that she knows that as soon as she opens her mouth to talk or do whatever it is she knows she is expected to do, the panic attack will take hold, she will hyperventilate, cry, and cause a scene (unintentionally!).

That being said, yes, I do find it awfully embarrassing, and more than that, i find it SO stressful that people are looking at her thinking she's a stuck up bitch (her concentrating face is NOT a friendly one lol). Because she's not a stuck up bitch! She's a wonderful person, and when well, she is a popular social butterfly that everyone is drawn to. So I really hate thinking that people are thinking badly of her.
Once she articulated the above ^^ with me, I felt a bit better, and sometimes if I can see the person is confused and they know her and are concerned about her, I will quietly let them know that she is having a "down day"/"been very anxious lately".

As for why your GF went out in the first place, well yes, usually my daughter will make excuses to try and stay home and avoid the situation completely. But I'm wondering if your girlfriend was trying to be a 'good girlfriend' and not ditch you/your plans, maybe she thought you'd be disappointed if she wanted to stay home. You also mentioned that you said you could both just cancel, but maybe she didn't want to ruin your plans. So maybe next time offer to cancel AND offer for her to stay home by herself? (provided she is not at risk of self harm).

The difference between my daughter and your GF though, is that my daughter will be very open (afterwards) about her feelings, and will actively work on a plan of how to manage these situations better next time. Something that your GF doesn't seem to have done so far. Which makes it pretty impossible for you to move forward. (FYI telling her you won't go to the pub until she actively asks is really unfair! That's so so much pressure for an anxious person!).

And at the end of the day, this is just a girlfriend. You are not obliged to stay with her. Can you really be bothered feeling like this for the rest of your life? It's up to you to decide if you can tolerate her moods long term, and honestly I wouldn't blame you if you decided against it.

Sorry for the essay, but you sound very caring and keen to understand your GF, and so I just wanted to give you some insight from my articulate child who displays the same kind of mood.

Do you feel she was disrespectful? I do, but she seems to very much not see it. I am just trying to work this out for myself here, as the fact people can see things I cannot is concerning me, whether we split up or not, it could happen again.

But you do see it I think?
Her behaviour is troubling you to the extent you’re posting on here.

This sounds really tricky for a new relationship!! She has depression and doesn’t work. What is this relationship going to look like long term?

It's manipulation because she's not saying what she wants and then she goes along anyway and behaves badly, sulking and upsetting you and friends and then getting annoyed with you, which equals "It's all your fault!" That is making you responsible for her and for her bad behaviour and whatever feelings underlie this performance of mood and ill temper at the pub.

Some people do that in a relationship: here, take me and take responsibility for me. It's like a helpless child. And it's like a place of safety where they presume they can take you for granted and let you bear the sulks and anger. The burden of being her may be too much for her to bear. That's not your fault, though. And the burden of her being her may be too much for you to bear. Maybe you need to reflect on how you got involved, why you are with her and what your own needs are in a relationship.

I honestly thought about it quite deeply. I had been put off by the not working thing, but then every other woman I've dated has worked, ranging from 'a job' to some in very profitable professional careers. All of them ended, some badly. I felt it couldn't do any harm to try someone with a different lifestyle to mine. I knew she had depression, and I felt I could be empathic enough and knew her well enough for that to be something that we could work with.

Whatever happened on the night this thread concerns, and her angry, dismissive reaction to my upset is (probably, it seems) unrelated to either of those things.

Long-term, I suppose I saw that if it worked we'd eventually live together, I would still work, she could contribute financially and to housework/life admin in a way that was fair, and things could be fine. Some couples operate well in that way.

I have both experienced and read up,on manipulation tactics and still find it a minefield. I wouldn't have been able to articulate that that was manipulative. I wonder what she got out of it?

For example I once got home from work to my ex and her daughter. I suggested we went out to dinner that evening. Daughter wanted to. At first ex said 'no, I can't be bothered'. Daughter was just saying 'come on Mum' etc etc and ex said 'Okay fine, we'll go out' and then as we were leaving she said 'Just remember Mallory, I have said I don't want to go.

And then she was a complete arse all night. Upset her daughter (and me!) greatly and eventually stormed off. I can see how THAT is manipulation. And not too dissimilar a situation.

My dad (a massive abusive twat, also with depression although he'd never admit it!) spoils for arguments. He'll set someone up to anger him, when it could be solved with a simple phone call or conversation.

E.G I once arranged to pick up my Gran to take her to a party. Dad wasn't meant to be going to it. I rang Gran to ask if it was okay if I picked her up a bit later, I had something to do but it could wait if she was bothered. She said no problem. My Dad rang her shortly after to see what time we'd get there.

When we got there, Dad was LIVID with me because I had missed a part of the party that he'd set up. Now had he rang me once he decided he was going and said can I please be there at X time, that'd have been fine. I have a million examples of his manipulation tactics!

Red flag. Not because of the depression but because of her inability to articulate her needs and expectations for you when she’s struggling.

Those are the games people play. What does she get out of it? Several possibilities: she may be trying to set you up as the partner who is responsible for her so that she can act out the childlike role instead of taking responsibility for herself as an adult; she might be testing you to see how far she can go, and how you will react and what you will put up with and what that can tell her about how you feel towards her; depression is a sort of safe enclosed space even though it is a miserable one, and coming out of that dark place into the light, may bring feelings of fear and vulnerability in social settings and at dealing with the demands and obligations of a relationship, so there's inner conflict that she has to cope with and somehow solve; sometimes in relationships one of the couple will be so vulnerable or self doubting as to feel unworthy and therefore may destroy the relationship by alienating the partner through behaving badly; that's one way of solving the inner fear or conflict but it can be an unconscious process as to the underlying motive, so it may be projected onto the partner instead, making it all their fault.

Regardless of depression she seems hard work and manipulative
She had every opportunity to not go/leave and the conversation after just seems attention seeking/dramstic re you caring more about others
Tbh I’d be reconsidering the future at this early stage

Thank you, that is helpful.

She does have some form of social anxiety.

I was well-meaning with thinking I would just avoid the pub while she was here so she didn't feel pressured to come with me if I arranged it and therefore I wouldn't be putting her in that situation again. But I can see how it could be conversely applying pressure to her albeit for a different reason.

I think if a pub visit does come up, I will just say 'I have arranged to go to the pub tonight, you're welcome to come, if you don't feel like it that's fine'.

It feels a bit alien to me, for someone to come over to see me and then I go out and leave them, but that might be just me, and also I am not prepared to sacrifice friends. In previous relationships, now and again I wouldn't see my friends when I normally would, if me and then DP were away or out doing something different, but overall they integrated with my friends as I did with theirs.

I don't feel like giving up at this hurdle, however now we've discussed it, I will be fully on guard for a next time. It isn't something I am willing to be put through more than once.

I know this in itself isn't a huge big deal, but I like a happy life and I could see it escalating into me trying my best to help and nothing getting any better and her becoming more reliant, if it does.

This is quite frightening!

Again, not saying you're wrong. Human psychology is as fascinating as it is dark.

Anyway, I am going to end things. Not just because of this, but a couple of other things have happened/are happening that I am very much not happy with. Totally unrelated and completely different to this one.

One of which is partly my fault but I am still feeling as if I can't handle the thing as a whole, and my own needs are mismatched with hers.

Edited to add thank you again for the help on this thread. I am obviously not great at navigating situations like this in comparison to a lot of other women.

@Malloryknoxsnose what happened?

I am sorry. It was not meant to frighten you and it didn't occur to me that it might. It was speculation as to what might be possible explanations behind the sort of conflict you described.

At heart you need to look at what you want from a relationship and whether it fulfils that and if not, whether there is a fundamental incompatibility between you or whether it can be worked through. Not for a moment do I think you are any worse at handling situations than many / most of us are. As individuals we are complicated and relationships even more so. Past experiences may make us think and feel we are hopeless but it doesn't make it true. It might not be.

My thought was that you would probably need an intermediary to listen to you both and work towards understanding and resolving what was going on in the relationship - something like Relate. Not because you are bad at handling it but because you are both emotionally entangled and an outside presence can see patterns, give you a perspective and guide you on how to deal with issues as they arise. Some useful techniques can be learned by going through that process. I hope you are managing okay and holding up while going through all this.

Bit of a long story and unrelated to anything about this thread (actually now I have said that, perhaps not!) but I am happy to update if anyone is interested. It has just knocked me a bit, I may have been a bit stupid but I thought we'd get on fine together.

You're very kind to apologise, no need to, but thank you.

I just find the whole thing a bit 'they walk among us'.

It is that this could be going on with her (and I assume it could be a whole myriad of other things too/as well!) while presenting (for years sometimes, evidently) as perfectly reasonable, normal people without any ill intent or dark pathologies about them.

I have known since I was in my twenties that my Father's influence has had a detrimental affect on me and relationships, but mainly the way I have put up with far too much in the past, and been very quick to avoid anger while somehow seeming to invite it in.

You take care of yourself OP. Breakups aren't easy.

I'm definitely interested, if you feel comfortable sharing. Who knows, we may be able to help 💐

Thank you. When we type some words on a screen we don't necessarily know how upset or susceptible to suggestion the recipient may be feeling at that time. The effect on you brought that home to me. I didn't mean that your partner deliberately set out to do anything to you. That would be frightening.

What I meant was that it's common in human behaviour to act in indirect ways (that we may not even be conscious of) because we are driven by needs and wants that we cannot express directly, say out of fear of exposing ourselves to show vulnerability and risk rejection: we've had certain bad experiences and have formed particular habits of behaviour as a result. It may be neurotic or not healthy behaviour but it's part of how humans work. Playing games is one way of putting it.

What you said about your father struck a chord: most if not all of us will recognise things like that. It reminded me of the Phillip Larkin poem:

“They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.”

The insight into the human condition is searing and compassionate but it peters out in the last two lines as bleak and defeatist. I wouldn't take it as a blueprint for the rest of us but more a reflection of himself.

I am just conscious of having already taken up a lot of time/space for people!

One thing is money, which I totally understand many will think 'Well, you knew she didn't work' and yes, I did. But there's a 'however' and it is that if money ever came up in the past (before we were together) she would repeatedly say how she's always got enough money for what she needs/wants, she can always afford whatever she needs to do, she's scoffed at people who I have mentioned who have been 'tight' or people she knows who have got debt, and said she always pays her way and that's so cheeky etc etc. When we were friends, we'd go out and do things and I never noticed her expect me to pay for everything. In fact, me, her and another friend went out once and other friend mentioned she'd pay and she got rather offended and said 'why's everyone assume I haven't got any money?!'.Essentially she has always perpetuated that she makes and has enough money and that it isn't ever a problem.

Come to think of it, I invited her to a quite impromptu 'naice' dinner once and she bought a new outfit for it without much ado, I mean, I work and have assets but being a single income household, I wouldn't necessarily be able to fork out for a new dress etc with a few days notice every time. I know a lot of people are struggling, but she insisted she isn't.

I seem to be paying for more or less everything we do however, and I cannot get my head around whether it is fair, because she is the one always visiting me, is this just 'what you do'? I have visited her once and she did indeed pay for dinner then. But when she's been here we've been out for dinner a couple of times, to a gig, we've stayed over in a hotel and had dinner there, taxis to places etc all seem to be on me. If this continues, her always visiting me and me paying for everything that just doesn't feel right to me. At meals out she'll assume it is just a given that I am paying. I have the uber app and no offer to pay her share.

The other is a bit more complex.

There's a 'do' in my village for an old friend who died. Like a fundraiser type thing. It's quite a big thing as he was very popular, friends/family/acquaintances, an all day event.

My ex knew friend well and wants to come. I get on fine with my ex. I also literally cannot stop her coming to a public event nor would I try to.

Gf hates ex and I will say, with good reason. She wasn't good to me. She was abusive in fact. But nonetheless, it is what it is, it was years ago, she's apologised, has actually been very helpful to me in certain ways since. I can't do anything about it and I am fine with her, have made peace with the past. I am not the least bit concerned in her company.

GF also knew friend, and is coming and is very very angry about her being there. Doesn't want to be near her, is not happy to be in this position. So many conversations about it so far, I noted I was a bit afraid of telling her, but I know this is my fault as I have told gf about a lot of things that happened, and I am so so tired today because last night I rang her to say goodnight and was on the phone well over an hour trying to help her with this. I couldn't really get anywhere however, every solution I gave was wrong, and she was very 'charged' while talking about it, quite angry at one point. In the end I had to apologise and say I had work in the morning and needed to go. I couldn't sleep and ended up sitting in bed at 01:00 with a large glass of wine and a book in an attempt to wind down. I realise this is on me, but I find it all so unnecessary.

It is an event for someone who died, but it is also meant to be a happy event.

We're adults.

I am wondering about whether something is going to go awry at said event and/or she'll be angry with me if I interact with ex at all, I don't plan to spend the day sitting with her of course, but I would ordinarily say hello to her and have a bit of a chat. Which is what I meant by it being my fault in some ways that this has happened.

Firstly, you don't have to apologise for taking up space on a thread that you started. If people want to respond, they will, if they don't, they won't.

Secondly, she seems to be the female version of a well-known variety of men called a cocklodger. Clitlodger? She seems to have tapped into your 'kindness' and is nowusing it to her own ends. I bet you pay for everything! To be honest, it sounds like she's shown her true colours rather early in relationship terms, so you're best off out of it.

Thirdly, it sounds to me like she is going to make this upcoming event in memory of your friend all about HER and HER feelings. She sounds a bit narcissistic in this vein. Yes, you may have told about your exgf's not so desirable traits, and what went on. But she is making it all about her, and your feelings don't come into it. The fact that you had to apologise to her is ridiculous! I fully expect her to kick off at this event, I'm sorry to say.

Lastly, you deserve BETTER than this and you know you do. 💐

It helps me with my thoughts as I type, as I've had a brain injury.