AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

[Malloryknoxsnose]

I am in a quite new relationship ( a few months) albeit have known this person a long time (around 5-6 years).

We've just spent a weekend together.

We planned the weekend, went out for the day on Saturday looking around a new city, and Sunday night we were just going to go to the pub near me for some drinks with a friend of mine. This is a pub I have a close connection to, I go in there on my way home from work, help organise events for them, I know most of the regulars and all the bar staff, she has been in there with me many times and always seemed happy there, has met most of my 'pub friends' and always had a good chat with them, all fine.

Sunday evening we were sitting watching TV and I said 'right, I will go and get myself ready' and she seemed surprised and asked 'for what?!' I reminded her that we were going to the pub to meet my friend.

She said she didn't know we were going and I reminded her that I had told her, but also said that if she didn't feel like it that was fine, I could cancel. She said it was okay and we both got ready and went. We got there around 9pm and the pub shuts at 1030pm, it wasn't going to be a long night(if relevant)!

When we got to the pub she was very quiet. I asked what she wanted to drink, she said she didn't want one. I was obviously surprised at this but tried to not make a big deal of it. Barman knows what she usually drinks and asked 'are you sure' and was also surprised, I asked if she wanted a soft drink instead, she said no.

My friend arrived and him and my girlfriend have a particular interest in 'real ales' and often spend time trying new ones and discussing them and he was telling her enthusiastically about the new one the pub had, and she barely grunted at him. He thinks a lot of her, we've spent time at events together and was very happy when we got together and was visibly confused.

I was half way through my glass of wine when I asked her if she wanted to leave, I could drive her straight back home if I didn't finish it, and she said no It's fine, to stay.

I was obviously worried about her and embarrassed but I didn't know what to do. At one point she took herself off in another room for a while, and then when she went to the loo my friend asked what was wrong with her, had we fallen out? I said no, nothing and I had no idea what was wrong.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

We had two more drinks in total but, after I had finished my second one (she hadn't had one at all at this point) I went to the loo and when I came back she had bought herself one but not me. I felt that this must have really meant she was upset with me for some reason and we left shortly following. We were sitting at the bar and I was noticing the bar staff looking at me try to work out what was wrong.

We talked a little when we got home, and she said she'd felt like crying all day, was very down and didn't know why. She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong). This isn't true at all! But I did find her behaviour very odd, and if I am honest, rude. She left yesterday after asking me to take her for lunch, where we did discuss some things again and she said she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette' hence her not buying me a drink when she bought her own. I said I wasn't concerned really about that particular small thing overall, but it looks weird to bar staff and isn't a very nice thing to do to me.

I am not completely naive regarding depression. I have suffered myself, but I wouldn't ever behave like this. AIBU to be feeling like this? What would others have done in this situation?

After a few months I wouldn't even think of continuing this relationship

FWIW I personally would not date someone with depression unless I could see they were working hard to get themselves help and taking some responsibility

I agree her behaviour sounds confusing, but having difficulty articulating your needs in a new relationship is hardly unusual. I think this is the ideal time to bring this up in a non-accusatory way and agree how you'll tackle this kind of situation in the future, not bin her off because she handled an uncomfortable situation badly once. I had a somewhat similar situation with an ex once and if he'd had the capacity to be more curious and display more empathy instead of just panicking that it meant the relationship was doomed then things might have turned out differently.

I do feel like I totally didn't matter, I mean I obviously got things wrong in my treatment of her that evening but I tried my best. I think avoiding the pub unless she actively says she wants to go is the thing to do. But having said that, we've gone there together many times (as friends and as partners) and had a lovely time. I don't know.

I am drip-feeding now but when we went for lunch the following day and she told me how she was feeling, I asked how I was meant to handle it, what would have been better. I said I would need to explain to my friend who we had met, as I know he will ask again (and he has this morning!) and she said something like well (friend's name) is really getting on my nerves now! Which again, has upset me because I don't feel like he deserves that. He's taken us to events at his own expense before, spent a lot of time getting to know her and been lovely to her (and us) always.

It's only been a few months. This insecurity will take a toll on the relationship very quickly. Making you feel guilty because she won't express how she is feeling and blaming you for punishing her is on the way to emotional abuse. You should end the relationship before you are dragged into not being allowed to see your friends at all.

GF needs to work on herself and stay single until she is better equipped to deal with depressive episodes.

I did ask her about this. She couldn't answer me. I asked if I should've just noticed she didn't want to go and stayed in, should I have taken her straight home etc etc. She just said no and got annoyed with me. But then (as I said above) when I concluded that I just would leave the pub out of any plans unless she actively suggested it, she said I was punishing her.

She sounds like very, very hard work. Really have a think about what life would be like living like this. You were meant to guess and mind read her situation and there will be many more like this. If you are young, really don’t saddle yourself with this.

Your girlfriend needs to be single and work on herself before getting into a relationship.
She is going to end up bringing you down with her and that is clearly what is happening here.

Op just leave her. You shouldn’t have to be dealing with this so early in a relationship.

she sounds like a nightmare and really rude to you and your friends.

I can see how that could work with random folk, but not people I am close to and see regularly and regard as my friends.

I don’t think you did anything particularly wrong. You gave the opportunity of cancelling, and/or leaving early. Saying she doesn’t understand pub culture is poor as well, as you state she’s been to the pub before, and line real ales. It’s also odd to yourself a drink, after refusing one all evening. She sounded a bit rude to be honest.

God, who has time for this bullshit?

Sack it off and move on OP.

I spent the best part of my twenties tiptoeing around other people’s mental health and guess what, they’re all still languishing in self-pity. You can’t fix or change people. Don’t waste your time!

You're very sociable with lots of friends, whereas she doesn't have any of her own friends and doesn't seem to enjoy socialising. I don't think you're compatible and honestly she sounds like hard work.

She sounds incredibly hard work and quite manipulative. I would keep the friends (who sound lovely) and not continue in a relationship with her. I think you will end up making yourself very unhappy by trying to bend over backwards in pleasing her.

I don’t think you’re ever going to win with your GF. I’d decide if this is something you want to be living with and tip toeing around ? Does she have any inclination to get help? If not, that’s a really hard starting line for you both.

A new relationship should not be this hard, I would move on.

You're a man (assuming) so a lot of posts on here are already making you the villain because of that. If you were a woman and your girlfriend was a man they'd be telling you to LTB.
Don't waste any more time, no one is owed a relationship and I couldn't be arsed with the drama, especially so early on.

I think if she was feeling that bad, she should have been honest with you, and stayed in. Coming out and then being off seems more performative than depressed to me.

I’ve suffered from clinical depression on and off all my life, up to and including being suicidal. I’ve had numerous treatments for it and at times have been very unwell.

So, bear that in mind when I say that your girlfriend was behaving less like someone with depression and more like an immature, manipulative, rude, passive aggressive arsehole. She behaved really shittily. Her behaviour at the pub sounds nothing like depression and everything like punishing you. I would NEVER treat my partner like your girlfriend treated you and honestly, if you were my friend and I’d witnessed your girlfriend being like that with you, I’d have been worried that she was emotionally abusing you.

If I were you, I would not be continuing this relationship.

Yes, agreed.

If people assumed you were a woman, every single one of them would be on your side.

Agreed She's training you to put her and her needs first. She's fine to be awkward and rude to you and friends but not fine to stay at home or accept a lift home and curtail an evening when offered. I'd think long and hard about pursuing this relationship you will have to try and guess what she wants and needs and will be punished if you get it wrong. Is that how you see your future? It's all very well claiming depression but this behaviour should be unacceptable in anyone.

It is possible to be depressed AND a rude person aside from the depression. It doesn't excuse you from being rude (though it might explain it).

Everyone knows how bar etiquette works.

You don't have to hang around you know...

I must say I agree also, and I am never usually one to make that comparison. She was uncommunicative, dismissive and rude. Depression does not excuse that, and I couldn’t be bothered dealing with that so early on in a relationship. I need to be with an adult who is capable of using her words.

I don't think you did anything wrong. You gave her the option of cancelling, of leaving early, you didn't get angry with her. She got annoyed at you and accused you of punishing her! And when you ask how you could have handled it differently she can't or won't tell you.

If she does suffer from depression or similar then that's really tough for her and I'm not without sympathy, but depression is really tough for those around you too and you dont deserve to be "punished" for not being depressed.

She can't magically snap out of it but she needs to communicate better. One of my best friends has always suffered terrible moods. I sometimes think if we hadn't met as children there would have been no way we would be friends. She could suddenly go into a black mood for no obvious reason, She explained once afterwards that the evening wasn't going as she hoped and had a sudden feeling of crushing disappointment. Rather than cutting the evening short she got very sullen and snappy, then got up and stormed off and went missing for a couple of hours because she was fed up with people asking if she was ok. She later got married, her husband was a nice cheerful chap (not perfect, who is) but over the years he got worn down with the moods and eventually left as he felt like he was always walking on eggshells and becoming depressed and anxious himself.

(I'm not saying It's a "woman" thing either. I have come across some men who control the house with their moods and foul temper, its just my friend was the person I had first hand close experience of so that's the example I used.)

It's really very very hard to deal with it the person expects you to manage their moods but has no interest in trying to manage them themselves. If this sounds like her ... Is this really what you want?