AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

[Malloryknoxsnose]

I am in a quite new relationship ( a few months) albeit have known this person a long time (around 5-6 years).

We've just spent a weekend together.

We planned the weekend, went out for the day on Saturday looking around a new city, and Sunday night we were just going to go to the pub near me for some drinks with a friend of mine. This is a pub I have a close connection to, I go in there on my way home from work, help organise events for them, I know most of the regulars and all the bar staff, she has been in there with me many times and always seemed happy there, has met most of my 'pub friends' and always had a good chat with them, all fine.

Sunday evening we were sitting watching TV and I said 'right, I will go and get myself ready' and she seemed surprised and asked 'for what?!' I reminded her that we were going to the pub to meet my friend.

She said she didn't know we were going and I reminded her that I had told her, but also said that if she didn't feel like it that was fine, I could cancel. She said it was okay and we both got ready and went. We got there around 9pm and the pub shuts at 1030pm, it wasn't going to be a long night(if relevant)!

When we got to the pub she was very quiet. I asked what she wanted to drink, she said she didn't want one. I was obviously surprised at this but tried to not make a big deal of it. Barman knows what she usually drinks and asked 'are you sure' and was also surprised, I asked if she wanted a soft drink instead, she said no.

My friend arrived and him and my girlfriend have a particular interest in 'real ales' and often spend time trying new ones and discussing them and he was telling her enthusiastically about the new one the pub had, and she barely grunted at him. He thinks a lot of her, we've spent time at events together and was very happy when we got together and was visibly confused.

I was half way through my glass of wine when I asked her if she wanted to leave, I could drive her straight back home if I didn't finish it, and she said no It's fine, to stay.

I was obviously worried about her and embarrassed but I didn't know what to do. At one point she took herself off in another room for a while, and then when she went to the loo my friend asked what was wrong with her, had we fallen out? I said no, nothing and I had no idea what was wrong.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

We had two more drinks in total but, after I had finished my second one (she hadn't had one at all at this point) I went to the loo and when I came back she had bought herself one but not me. I felt that this must have really meant she was upset with me for some reason and we left shortly following. We were sitting at the bar and I was noticing the bar staff looking at me try to work out what was wrong.

We talked a little when we got home, and she said she'd felt like crying all day, was very down and didn't know why. She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong). This isn't true at all! But I did find her behaviour very odd, and if I am honest, rude. She left yesterday after asking me to take her for lunch, where we did discuss some things again and she said she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette' hence her not buying me a drink when she bought her own. I said I wasn't concerned really about that particular small thing overall, but it looks weird to bar staff and isn't a very nice thing to do to me.

I am not completely naive regarding depression. I have suffered myself, but I wouldn't ever behave like this. AIBU to be feeling like this? What would others have done in this situation?

Shes starting to sound more like a manipulative brat now tbh don't invite her next time!

OP, so your girlfriend isn't taking any responsibility for her poor behaviour and is saying it won't happen again because she'll hide her feelings. She's not prepared to accept she displayed rude behaviour, not just towards you but your friend. This person is your friend, not hers and she doesn't give two hoots what you tell them!!

Honestly, I wouldn't put up with this at all. Nothing is resolved or will be resolved and I can absolutely guarantee a similar situation will arise again. You gave your girlfriend plenty of opportunity not to go to the pub, you also asked if she wanted to go home, once you realised she wasn't happy. Both of which she refused. You aren't a mind reader, and your girlfriend is a grown adult, capable of using words to communicate how she feels. Instead she behaved like a moody, sulky teenager, refusing to engage but making sure everyone within the immediate vicinity knew she was pissed off.

My advice is to take this opportunity to end the relationship. It's a new relationship, even though you've known her some time, and it really shouldn't be this much hard work... you're supposed to be in the 'honeymoon' period!!

I have asked her what is best for me to do next time and she's said there won't be a next time as she'll hide how she feels.

But there will be a next time, because you'll want to see your friend, and she'll either come with you and sulk (because people like this are incapable of putting on a show, or hiding how they feel for the sake of group harmony) or you'll go alone and she'll sulk about it so much you'll start reducing the times you go out to keep her happy. Until eventually your friends stop asking you to meet up, your family get sick of her moods or feel to uncomfortable to visit...

Ask me how I know....

Sounds like she might be someone to just be friends with? Perhaps changing the status of your relationship from friends has made her more insecure, possessive and unstable? I wouldn't brush this off. She wants you to brush it under the carpet and move on. She'll do this again, and escalate.

If you carry on seeing her you will end up an anxious wreck and will stop socialising incase it makes her feel comfortable. I don’t think she wants to share you with anyone hence her rude unsociable behaviour at the pub and why she has decided she doesn’t like your friend now.

If she knew she needed down time, the she should have stayed at home and told the OP to go and meet the friend as planned.

Going but with a face like fizz is pointless as it ruins everyone else’s night.

If my son was in a relationship like this, I’d be advising him to finish it. Depression is crap, but it can’t always be used as an excuse for rude behaviour.

You’ll get dragged down by her behaviour if you are not careful. It’s only been a few months, so just cut your losses and get out now. Life is too short.

Some posters mentioned performing. It's called acting up (parents know it as children behaving badly) or what psychiatrists and psychologists call acting out. Another way of describing it might be Games People Play. Here is someone who is communicating something but not articulating it in words and you have no way of knowing what it is all about.

You are operating on the normal plane, discussing what you are planing to do together and looking forward to meeting your friends and all having a pleasant relaxing evening. And you are assuming, with the normal everyday assumptions that we all make, namely that she wants to go too and would say if she did not.

You didn't notice anything amiss before going out but you are clearly thoughtful and considerate, doing your best to understand and offering to take her home when you see that she is 'off'. Your friends are nice, welcoming and of goodwill towards her as well. But she isn't operating on the same plane as you all are. There is some discomfort internally playing on her that you are not privy to. It may even be the fact that you and your friends are so sociable and welcoming and that this brings some recognition and self awareness of a disparity between you that generates feelings of outsiderness, envy, resentment and the like, hence possibly an explanation for her being annoyed by your friend and obviously annoyed with you.

You are out of your depth here and unless she can recognise and discuss her own acting up behaviour and reconcile those internal feelings with the obligations of friendship and relationship, there is nothing you can do to escape a repeating cycle of anxiously trying and failing to understand and accommodate her unexpressed needs.

I can imagine you must felt incredibly frustrated and confused and that was probably obvious from your tone and manner during that conversation, which most likely escalated the anxiety for her, even if your intentions were good. She's hearing 'I'm considering dumping you because your behaviour around my mates was weird', not 'I see you're struggling and I'm here to help you'. Maybe when you've both calmed down, if you're still interested in salvaging the relationship, you could tell her calmly and gently that you found that situation difficult and think you both need to work on your communication, and ask her what she needs from you when she's feeling anxious/stressed/down.

Thank you for all the responses. A lot of food for thought. I did try talking to her but am now even more confused if anything! I am working today but will respond later on. I had so much hope for this relationship and am still feeling upset to be honest, not at what happened that evening per se but how I dont seem to be able to gain any clarity on it. I rang her after work, was very calm and earnest in my questioning, she was raising her voice and almost on a rant? Throwing a lot of different scenarios and information at me to the point where I said 'okay, which point are we on?' Or such. In the end I just said can we talk later as I just don't know what is happening here and it doesn't seem as though she's ready to converse about it..

Sorry for the vague update, I am about to go out, will read replies again and respond later. Thank you again all.

Take a few days without talking to her to give yourself some clear thinking space @Malloryknoxsnose.

I would leave her OP. I’m sorry.
You said it was a newish relationship so I’d get out now and protect yourself.
I say that as someone who lives with someone (my child) who has MH difficulties and whom I could never leave.
But you? Poor MH makes life harder than it needs to be. Try to avoid it if you can at all. Run.

Thank you for this response. And I know what you mean. I have known other people like this (both M&F) unfortunately. I appreciate having depression is very difficult. I have had very down periods myself. I think mine have been reactionary? As in always after a break up, bereavement or difficult period of some other sort, so that is different.

And also maybe my depressive episodes have been nowhere near as severe, because although I was most definitely not 'firing on all cylinders' I was equipped enough to be able to pull myself together for work, or a previously arranged important social event, because I just had no choice and I also would hate it if my situation had have dragged people down if they were cheerful, or upset someone by not turning up (not comparing this to a normal evening in the pub, I would turn that down if I knew I couldn't at least be 'normal'.

The 'cheerful chap' who wasn't perfect, is a good way I think I would describe myself. I am sure I have my own 'red flags' or toxicity, I think all humans do, to someone at least if not to plenty! But I am quite cheerful 95% of the time. For this relationship I just want us to be happy, support one another and enjoy one another's company for the most part.

I am concerned that this is what people in the pub (who I know) may have thought. I could be projecting here as it is definitely something I may have thought. But I can't say that to her, because it is then 'caring more about what they thought than how she feels'. It isn't that, of course I care about how she feels hence saying we didn't have to go, and we could leave early, and asking her ever since if she's okay, saying we don't have to go again, and how can I help. But I know I will get comments next time I go in, and all the same, that could've been avoided and it does matter to me.

That is true. Depression doesn't just target lovely people. She's just been such a good friend to me over the years and we've also had a lot of good times together. I haven't ever known anything like this.
I thought that too, I knew what bar etiquette was before I could legally enter a pub not saying that's a great thing either !

I’d be annoyed.

I don't think you did anything wrong either. Do you think she is masking autism? It presents differently in females. My daughter is chatty and makes an effort to be social in educational settings but when she comes home if she is over tired she literally can't speak and shuts down.

It wasn't to do with the evening, I have always known she has suffered with depression. I've just never known her be like that before.

I agree with Baus, she sounds rude and deeply controlling and unpleasant.

You sound vulnerable yourself because you sound desperate for this relationship to work despite her treating you so badly.

Keep that pub a private spot for yourself.
She made a show of herself with you causing you embarrassment by behaving like a petulant toddler.

Don't bring her there again.
This is who she is.

Keep her away from your friends too, she wants to isolate you.

I think you have missed something - I am guessing when you went to the loo she felt uncomfortable with your friend in the sense she might have not wanted to talk and went to the bar to avoid doing this. I find the whole bar ettique thing you prescribe to a bit weird. Sure if my hubby or I are going to the bar and we are next to the person or know for sure they want a drink we would buy one - but you being in the loo and her likely only buying a drink to avoid speaking to your friend it unlikely did not cross her mind.

I have read through all the OP's replies so apologies if I have missed it but is she officially diagnosed with depression? (or is she self diagnosed? Or @Malloryknoxsnose are you assuming depression based on your own experience?)

Does she have any treatment / therapy? Does she do anything to "self help" ?

I think she was unreasonable in going out. She should have stayed at home if she was feeling depressed. It's not your responsibility to manage her feelings. It sounds very attention seeking actually.

You also mention she doesn't work?

Why not?

She didn't do anything that wrong except be quiet and not want to drink. Then bought herself a drink. I'd say if that's the worst thing she's going to do when she's feeling depressed you've not got much to worry about.

You do sound like you cared a lot about what the bar staff and your friend thought about her behaviour. So maybe she sensed that and it did feel like you cared a lot about how she looked to them. Rather than whether she was actually happy?

You clearly don't understand depression if you claim that because you would never be quiet in a pub if you were depressed then it's completely unacceptable and unusual behaviour.

I don't know, as she hasn't told me, but there could be an element of truth in some of this.

I definitely do not care more about my friends noticing than I do about her, I didn't get the opportunity to care about the situation with her, as there wasn't one as far as I was concerned, she hadn't told me she was feeling down.

We got to the pub, she didn't' want a drink and I instantly assumed I must've done something wrong, as this is unusual for her (albeit she does 'go quiet' if she's annoyed with me) and just odd, when the Barman was standing waiting and looking at her but she didn't' look at him, he looked at me, I pretended that everything was normal and just ordered my own. Then my friend who we were meeting arrived all happy and jolly and I watched his visible confusion and started to get very anxious, I couldn't really ask her what was wrong in front of him, that would've made her uncomfortable (so I thought).

I do care about this friend a lot of course, but I care for her more, and what else could I have done? She was being very quiet and standoffish and he was visibly upset too. So yes, I was bothered about what he thought, concerned for her and concerned as to what I may have done wrong all at once. I 100% would have put her first,(as in, not gone out) and let my friend down, if she had have told me how she was feeling, I just didn't know that was the right thing to do (if it was, I am still unsure)!

I am not sure, regarding the comment over lunch. She asked if I still thought she was good enough for me. I said yes. I asked if she didn't, was that what was causing her upset? And she said no, she knows she is good enough for me.