AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

[Malloryknoxsnose]

I am in a quite new relationship ( a few months) albeit have known this person a long time (around 5-6 years).

We've just spent a weekend together.

We planned the weekend, went out for the day on Saturday looking around a new city, and Sunday night we were just going to go to the pub near me for some drinks with a friend of mine. This is a pub I have a close connection to, I go in there on my way home from work, help organise events for them, I know most of the regulars and all the bar staff, she has been in there with me many times and always seemed happy there, has met most of my 'pub friends' and always had a good chat with them, all fine.

Sunday evening we were sitting watching TV and I said 'right, I will go and get myself ready' and she seemed surprised and asked 'for what?!' I reminded her that we were going to the pub to meet my friend.

She said she didn't know we were going and I reminded her that I had told her, but also said that if she didn't feel like it that was fine, I could cancel. She said it was okay and we both got ready and went. We got there around 9pm and the pub shuts at 1030pm, it wasn't going to be a long night(if relevant)!

When we got to the pub she was very quiet. I asked what she wanted to drink, she said she didn't want one. I was obviously surprised at this but tried to not make a big deal of it. Barman knows what she usually drinks and asked 'are you sure' and was also surprised, I asked if she wanted a soft drink instead, she said no.

My friend arrived and him and my girlfriend have a particular interest in 'real ales' and often spend time trying new ones and discussing them and he was telling her enthusiastically about the new one the pub had, and she barely grunted at him. He thinks a lot of her, we've spent time at events together and was very happy when we got together and was visibly confused.

I was half way through my glass of wine when I asked her if she wanted to leave, I could drive her straight back home if I didn't finish it, and she said no It's fine, to stay.

I was obviously worried about her and embarrassed but I didn't know what to do. At one point she took herself off in another room for a while, and then when she went to the loo my friend asked what was wrong with her, had we fallen out? I said no, nothing and I had no idea what was wrong.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

We had two more drinks in total but, after I had finished my second one (she hadn't had one at all at this point) I went to the loo and when I came back she had bought herself one but not me. I felt that this must have really meant she was upset with me for some reason and we left shortly following. We were sitting at the bar and I was noticing the bar staff looking at me try to work out what was wrong.

We talked a little when we got home, and she said she'd felt like crying all day, was very down and didn't know why. She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong). This isn't true at all! But I did find her behaviour very odd, and if I am honest, rude. She left yesterday after asking me to take her for lunch, where we did discuss some things again and she said she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette' hence her not buying me a drink when she bought her own. I said I wasn't concerned really about that particular small thing overall, but it looks weird to bar staff and isn't a very nice thing to do to me.

I am not completely naive regarding depression. I have suffered myself, but I wouldn't ever behave like this. AIBU to be feeling like this? What would others have done in this situation?

Yes, I don't understand this point either. She's worked in a bar before too. I am sure she knows. But maybe in the moment while she was feeling the way she did, it slipped her mind?

I don't want to make it appear (to her or on this thread) that I am an affronted princess, I am quite capable of buying myself a drink and her not buying me one isn't the end of the world, but I would never, ever do that to her or anyone I was out with and it seemed significant in that way.

It felt like a tangible 'snub', a sign she was very annoyed with me given the way she had been acting, and I then asked the barman for one for myself when I got back, before she'd even put her wallet away! Odd.

But, who knows. She said she didn't realise that's the normal thing to do, maybe she genuinely didn't.

I did too. And their mood swings and issues. Past my twenties actually! I didn't know there was anything to 'fix' here, she'd never behaved this way before.

I'm not a man! Sorry, I should have maybe emphasised that. But then, my gf isn't either! So I am not sure if it would've changed the thread.

I appreciate all the responses.

I think you’ve gotten a bit of a hard time here OP and for what its worth I agree with you. You aren’t a mindreader and in total honesty a relationship with someone who expects you to be is not going to end well long term.

Clear and open communication is so important in a healthy relationship, if she isn’t prepared to do that then only you can decide if you want to spend your life guessing and then feeling punished for getting it wrong.

Being with someone who has a metal health condition can be difficult. If I am totally honest I am not equipped for it. There’s lots of people who would be good at dealing with me because I have ASD and that’s okay.

If she is depressed then this will be a semi regular or regular occurrence. You need to think about if you can deal with that and if not then let her go. I know it sounds harsh but it’s the truth.

My husband has ADHD and it almost split us up when we moved in together. We now have systems to deal with issues and we are very happy - for us it really came down to I do the organising he does the socialising/does all the gross jobs I hate doing. If you stay together you should try and find ways to manage her depression and help you stay happy as well. What that will look like will be different for everyone, but if you and her are willing to communicate I’m sure you can sort something out.

Sorry, what do you mean by performative in this context?

I was thinking this too, if she's here of a weekend and I would normally go to the pub to see my friend (the one I meet regularly who likes her a lot) or others, I would be stopping doing this in case she does this again. But that's not ideal either is it?

We're both women! Sorry I wasn't clear in the OP.

Yes. Her behaviour was embarrassing. Depression or no, she behaved badly. If she wanted to leave or didn't want to go she should have said so. Being depressed doesn't make people incapable of using their words.

^This. You’re not her therapist. If someone makes a conscious choice to start a relationship they have to take some responsibility for their behaviour, including how it might make the other person feel.

Totally disagree with this. OP offered to cancel. She said no. OP asked if she wanted to leave early. She said no. She should've stayed at home in the first place.

It means she was making a big show of how unhappy she was about something in the situation and making sure you and everyone around you knew about it, but without communicating directly with you. It's very toxic and passive aggressive behaviour.

God, I hate those "...if you were a woman, all the replies would be different...blah, blah, blah" bullshit posts.

Apart from anything else there's a large number of posters on this thread siding with OP so it isn't even the case here

Sorry to barge in because that wasn't my comment but I thought "performative" too. In that someone who feels down in the dumps and not feeling like being social would tend to opt to not go out. But going out and making a point about not being happy to be out is drawing attention to it. Why, I don't really know. Might be seeking sympathy or support or sometimes even bringing down their loved ones mood/spoiling their evening because "why should they be happy when I'm not".

This is sad to read. I am glad he got out. I definitely don't want this sort of thing to happen again, not just with regards to going out for drinks but, it was so sudden that I imagine it could happen at any time for any reason. It does/did make me incredibly anxious.

I may be a bit too accommodating, I mean I have been in situations where I haven't been particularly happy but I just couldn't have others suffer because of it. I think I need to have another talk about it.

Depressed or not she was rude. You offered her to stay home and offered her to leave. I'd have felt uncomfortable and a bit embarrassed in your situation. She needs to be upfront if she doesn't want to go not make everyone else suffer.... and not buying you a drink is basic manners 😅😅

I have quite a lot of experience of a partner with depression. This doesn’t seem like depression, it seems like manipulation.

This kind of sulking in front of a partner’s friends and/or family is not a good sign for a relationship. It’s manipulative and embarrassing. I’ve behaved like this in a couple of past relationships and I understand now that it was just unacceptable. A good relationship cannot find foundation in this behaviour.

The fact that she has no job and no friends of her own in her 40s is unusual. I’d end this relationship if I were you. I’d bet you any money it will only get worse.

You aren't a mind reader OP. You offered to cancel the evening, when she seemed surprised, that the pub was on the agenda. Your girlfriend said no and you went to the pub, meeting up with friends, that she's meet numerous times before. Your girlfriend was very quiet, refused a drink, and clearly didn't want to engage with your friends. You asked if she wanted to go home, the answer was no and also asked what was wrong/has you upset her.

On the surface, yes, your girlfriend came across as rude. I don't think anyone, including her can really dispute that. It maybe that she does suffer from depression, but she needs to tell you how she would prefer you to handle these bouts. For example, is it best to leave her alone? You are worried about doing/saying the wrong thing, because you have no clue what to do for the best. You're running around on egg shells, blind.

Your girlfriend is now reluctant to discuss the situation and has barely said two words about it. She'd rather sweep it under the carpet. The problem is, a similar situation will arise again, and you'll still be non-the-wiser on how to handle it! She's not helping you, and in turn isn't helping herself.

My friend is indeed lovely. He's been asking me about it today. I am not sure what to tell him to be honest. He just said it was very out of character and very odd behaviour. I said perhaps she felt left out as I know everyone in there well and he reminded me that she's always been very sociable in there and got on well with everyone and it hasn't ever been an issue before so he doesn't think It's that. I felt sorry for him that night as he was/is confused and was looking forward to seeing us both. He asked was she short on cash but she always says she isn't (she doesn't work per se but sells crafts on Esty and says she does okay from it). He is part of a group who do events often and as he runs a big department he gets tickets free and always chooses to take us. Her nasty comment about him getting on her nerves has upset me.

I saw a good Tiktok by someone who says insecure people are often incredibly self-centred and insufferable to be around. This accurately describes a lot of depressed people as well. They are miserable and being unable to get out of it themselves, they try to make other people responsible for their well-being. This includes expecting them to pre-empt situations that they dislike and "curating" an experience that caters to their mood. If other people do something they perceive as thoughtless or not catering to their mood, they will flip and sulk to make it worse. Some of the behaviours are closely related to covert narcissism.

In any case, if you can't even figure out the politics around getting a drink at the pub, there is clearly no future for the relationship. There's no way she'll be able to handle bigger things like moving in, kids, finances etc.

Hi @Malloryknoxsnose

I've 'suffered' from depression and I think one thing that keeps coming up when reading your description and replies is just how impossible it can sometimes feel to make any decisions. Maybe your GF shouldn't have agreed to go out with you on Sunday night, but maybe the alternative of her being on her own just filled her with dread, even though she was feeling down so also knew she was of no value to the social situation. Being unable to articulate what she wanted is also typical when I'm really down: "How should I know what I want to do, I'm of no use / value / anything to anyone else, why do they care etc etc." I've been married for over 20 years and still end up saying 'I don't know' and 'I'm sorry' and 'I cannot explain it' to my (very supportive and trying hard to understand) husband and some close friends.

Depression can be all consuming and hard to articulate. If I was her, I'd be mortified and self flagellating that you felt your feelings were being ignored. As you said, she was worrying the next day whether 'she was good enough for me'. I hope you're able to talk to her and not make any final decisions, such as splitting up with her or never going back to your local pub.

You said this: I guess the best thing to do here is to not ask her to go out socialising unless she actively suggests it but, when I said that I would do this just with regards to my local pub, she was upset and said I was punishing her.

Of course she feels that punishing her! Right now, she's not actively able to suggest anything, but next week or next month that pub might feel like a great opportunity.

When I'm down, I have to do the whole 'take each day at a time' thing and I think if you want to be supportive you might have to do the same. But still put some plans in. I know that can feel contradictory, but it's better to have things to do together and then see how she's feeling on the day, than make a random rule she can no longer go to your local pub...

Sorry, I will respond properly to other posts shortly but just busy currently, for this post, it stands out that she was worrying she wasn't good enough for me.

She didn't say this, she asked if I still felt she was good enough for me. I said yes and asked if she felt she wasn't and she said no, she knew she was good enough for me. Which I think is slightly different.

Oh yes I see! Sorry, probably projecting 😬

I am not sure you should assume that she is depressed because she did not enjoy the evening you planned.