AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

[Malloryknoxsnose]

I am in a quite new relationship ( a few months) albeit have known this person a long time (around 5-6 years).

We've just spent a weekend together.

We planned the weekend, went out for the day on Saturday looking around a new city, and Sunday night we were just going to go to the pub near me for some drinks with a friend of mine. This is a pub I have a close connection to, I go in there on my way home from work, help organise events for them, I know most of the regulars and all the bar staff, she has been in there with me many times and always seemed happy there, has met most of my 'pub friends' and always had a good chat with them, all fine.

Sunday evening we were sitting watching TV and I said 'right, I will go and get myself ready' and she seemed surprised and asked 'for what?!' I reminded her that we were going to the pub to meet my friend.

She said she didn't know we were going and I reminded her that I had told her, but also said that if she didn't feel like it that was fine, I could cancel. She said it was okay and we both got ready and went. We got there around 9pm and the pub shuts at 1030pm, it wasn't going to be a long night(if relevant)!

When we got to the pub she was very quiet. I asked what she wanted to drink, she said she didn't want one. I was obviously surprised at this but tried to not make a big deal of it. Barman knows what she usually drinks and asked 'are you sure' and was also surprised, I asked if she wanted a soft drink instead, she said no.

My friend arrived and him and my girlfriend have a particular interest in 'real ales' and often spend time trying new ones and discussing them and he was telling her enthusiastically about the new one the pub had, and she barely grunted at him. He thinks a lot of her, we've spent time at events together and was very happy when we got together and was visibly confused.

I was half way through my glass of wine when I asked her if she wanted to leave, I could drive her straight back home if I didn't finish it, and she said no It's fine, to stay.

I was obviously worried about her and embarrassed but I didn't know what to do. At one point she took herself off in another room for a while, and then when she went to the loo my friend asked what was wrong with her, had we fallen out? I said no, nothing and I had no idea what was wrong.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

We had two more drinks in total but, after I had finished my second one (she hadn't had one at all at this point) I went to the loo and when I came back she had bought herself one but not me. I felt that this must have really meant she was upset with me for some reason and we left shortly following. We were sitting at the bar and I was noticing the bar staff looking at me try to work out what was wrong.

We talked a little when we got home, and she said she'd felt like crying all day, was very down and didn't know why. She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong). This isn't true at all! But I did find her behaviour very odd, and if I am honest, rude. She left yesterday after asking me to take her for lunch, where we did discuss some things again and she said she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette' hence her not buying me a drink when she bought her own. I said I wasn't concerned really about that particular small thing overall, but it looks weird to bar staff and isn't a very nice thing to do to me.

I am not completely naive regarding depression. I have suffered myself, but I wouldn't ever behave like this. AIBU to be feeling like this? What would others have done in this situation?

I feel bad that i didn't notice anything was wrong! We hadn't done much that day, I had picked up my car, watched TV with her, pottered about, cooked.
I feel like it was very wrong too. When she said she'd forgotten, I did say we wouldn't go if she didn't feel like it but she said we could still go.

I am not really sure why she doesn't work, a combination of factors I think. We discussed it a lot while we were newish friends but not recently.

Get rid of her @Malloryknoxsnose life is too short to put up with this .

Oh hell no! So many red flags.

She doesn’t sound depressed, she sounds moody and manipulative. If she cannot properly communicate her needs, that’s on her. You’re not a bloody mind reader. Run for the hills!

I did assume @Malloryknoxsnose was a woman. Based on Mallory Knox's nose.

My advice would have been the same to a man. GF is going to socially isolate OP, who has also suffered from depression. This is not a relationship for either of them.

You were very considerate and kind, if it's how you describe.

I've acted like your GF in past relationships i.e. getting a bit obsessed with whether I'm good enough, and feeling very insecure in the most relaxed of social situations. With hindsight I know it was just that we weren't right for each other. There were other relationships where I didn't have that panicky insecurity at all, it just vanished. So just be careful you aren't triggering each other.

Your little pub is important to you and that's ok. One awkward evening isn't going to change the relationships you have built there.

You obviously really like your GF, so give it some more time but just be mindful of any patterns. You are right to give her lots of reassurance but in the end it might be more about her than you.

It’s a new relationship, do you want to be bothered with all this? I wouldn’t.

You seem more concerned about how it looked to others than how she was actually feeling. I can see why she was upset when you spoke about it. The behaviour can happen with depression, it's happened with my DH and I've had days where friends have been like this. I don't think about what I've done wrong or what other people think because it's not about us, it's about them and how they feel. They're not performing monkeys that need to be switched on entertaining people, if they need a bit of quiet time or don't want a drink that should be accepted. Other than causing you embarrassment (which I'm confused about, why are YOU embarrassed, you didn't do anything) what harm are they doing?

Take the opportunity now to end things. Her attitude to your friend is her trying to isolate you from him already. He's your friend, he gets on her nerves, faking not to understand pub etiquette in her 40s, deliberately avoiding you in the pub etc. This is manipulative behaviour and she absolutely can be both depressed and an abusive, controlling partner.

You didn't do anything wrong. Please don't ignore the red flags.

I think they’re trying to say it wasn’t just them who noticed it.

Why go if she wanted quiet time? Does she need someone holding her hand to have time on her own? That's very controlling.

Op isn't a mind reader. She clearly made the friends of the op feel awkward with how she was acting. Why should everyone else feel that way?

Other than causing you embarrassment (which I'm confused about, why are YOU embarrassed, you didn't do anything) what harm are they doing?

Of course he was embarrassed. She was being moody and difficult. She should’ve stayed away and not spoiled the evening with her attention seeking behaviour under the guise of ‘depression’. Being depressed shouldn’t rob one of consideration.

You didn’t do anything wrong except perhaps ask her too many times what was up. The fact that you were wondering what you did wrong tells me she had you where she wanted you and this thing about you caring more about others…she might be depressed but she’s also manipulative. People who get into a snit then won’t open their mouths love to keep you guessing. It’s not your job to sort her head out but it’s early days, so this should be easy to back away from.

I don't know whether the OP is a man or a woman. It makes no difference. Women are quite capable of being total shxtbags, just like men are, and I've been on the sharp end of it many times.

The thing that jumps out to me is that the gf isn't working and there seems to be no explanation for it. That's would be a real no-no for me.

She sounds miserable and controlling. I’d be off as it doesn’t seem like you can do anything right!

I think you behaved thoughtfully. I sympathise with her if she has depression, it’s awful. But that doesn’t mean you were at fault either. You’re not a mind reader. If I’m being really honest, this behaviour early on in a relationship would put me off. She ruined your night and was rude. This won’t be a one off either. I do feel for her and I know she probably can’t help it but you have to decide if this sort of thing is something you’re happy to deal with long term.

Oh god, throw this one back, as MN says. It’s not supposed to
be this hard.

Run a mile, life’s too short for this bullshit.

Sounds like a load of attention seeking nonsense.

She's really ramping up the manipulation with this "won't be a next time as she'll hide what she feels" bullshit.

I've struggled with terrible depression in the past and some of these behaviours sound familiar. You can't cure her, you can't help her. She needs therapy and to put an effort into getting better. You hanging around and being her emotional punch bag won't do her any good (and it will drag you down too).

I agree with this. She could just have used her words and stayed at home with a cup of tea. What she did looked passive aggressive and calculated.

I have MH issues (depressiom, anxiety, ND) and am introverted. If I feel down or like I don't want to socialise I stay in! No drama.

And asking if "she was good enough" the next day was manipulative, playing the victim as if the OP is the bad guy rejecting her...

OP will get locked into a cycle of wondering what she's done wrong, asking girlfriend whilst she clams up.

Its easy to end up like @User8457363 says, locked into a role where you're problem-solving or second guessing the other person's moods all the time.

Whilst they indicate they are kind of unhappy, but won't come out with why.... So you're walking on eggshells all the time.

She is snappy with you because you are challenging her behaviour.

She's abusive.
She deliberately ruined the evening.
She is the type to isolate you.
She doesn't work?
Come on OP, why are you walking wide awake into a complete shit show.

You have agency here.
Protect yourself.
This is who she is, believe her.

I agree.
I think the technical term is a moody cow.

This sounds bloody exhausting! You literally can't get anything right in this scenario.

I'm not saying LTB just yet, as it's the only time you've ever seen her behave this way, but be watchful for this sort of thing going forward.

It seems to me that she's "testing" the relationship because she's currently feeling insecure and unworthy. Instead of self-regulating, she's projecting and is fearful that you see her the way she sees herself.

Some people, consciously or unconsciously, say and do hurtful or unreasonable things to test the devotion of their partner. If the partner allows it, they pass. It's quite the headfuck. Hopefully, this isn’t the case with her.

It’s early days - should be all fun and love and consideration. Whether depression, manipulation or moodiness I think the answer is the same. It isn’t working and won’t work. Get out quickly while it’s not your responsibility.

How many times did you actually spend time together in person or physically meet before dating?

Was it an online friendship or on SM for 5-6 years?

I'm surprised you haven't seen similar sulking behaviour before.... People are often very different online to in person.

Someone who prioritises maintaining an online long distance friendship for 5-6 years may have a very "quirky" personality in real life and bad social skills.

Especially if they haven't made or maintained any local friends or dates or work or community in that time.

They may be the kind of person who is most comfortable in their online persona.

If she lives in a city far away, and you've mainly connected and communicated by messaging this behaviour is who she is.

The distance has hidden this side of her.

Sorry but she was rude, I would be embarrassed and she would be getting dumped. Sounds like she's playing games . She shouldn't have agreed to go out.