To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

[amria]

We’ve got 3 children aged 6, 2 and a baby, so life is full on. To avoid drip feed, he works full time out of the house from roughly 8am to 7pm and earns well. I do appreciate that he provides financially, but everything else at home falls to me. I don’t work (my choice).

At weekends he says he needs to recover from the working week, watch football, lie down, switch off and isn’t very keen to help. If I ask, it’s usually met with sighing or a clear sense he doesn’t really want to be doing it. For example, he’ll change the baby but hand him straight back within seconds, without pausing to engage or giving me a minute to finish my coffee, then plonk himself back on the sofa demonstratively. He’s there for the nicer bits only (playing whilst the kids behave) and disappears the second things require effort. If we’re watching something and the baby cries, he’ll pause it and go on his phone and it’s just assumed I’ll go. If we’re out and one of the kids gets muddy, he’ll stand and wait for me to deal with it. If something gets knocked over or broken, he’ll say “uh oh” and step out of the way while I sort it.

However, when his parents come to stay, 1-2 days per month, he is like a completely different person. Suddenly all the barriers he normally has just disappear. He can go out for a full day out without mentioning football or needing to sit down for a coffee whilst I entertain the kids. He’ll actually get involved, play with them, suggest things to do etc.

I know why: I don’t get on with the ILs and, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t go out of my way to include them in games or plan nice activities. I’d be focused on getting through their visit, and that’s it. If those weekends were left to me to manage, it would be me juggling a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old while trying to host people I’m not comfortable with. I’d be stretched, distracted and not particularly enthusiastic, we’d just do something low key like visiting the local playgroup and they’d probably find the whole thing awkward and not very enjoyable. He steps up because he knows he has to, which is what’s bothering me, because it shows he can do it. He can be present, helpful, involved and capable, just not in our normal day to day life.

AIBU to feel hurt and resentful about that? It makes me feel like he is choosing when to show up, rather than actually being too tired the rest of the time.

Was he like this with your first child?

Or has this evolved over time?

What does he say when you point all this out?

@MojoMoon
He was better with our first, if I’m honest. Not perfect, but definitely more involved and a bit more willing. I do think there was a bit of “novelty” with the first baby, although he’d never admit that so it’s just my guess. He also wasn’t as senior in his role then so presumably less stress, although if anything I’d say he actually worked harder back then.

Why on earth are you letting him do sod all?! It’s 50/50 when both adults are home otherwise you have a 24/7 bloody job!

@Beesandhoney123
When I point it out, he’ll say he’s exhausted from work, that he doesn’t get downtime, and that he doesn’t know what to do with all three of them. He’ll also say I’m better at it or if I do ask for specific help it’s met with sighing or a lack of enthusiasm which just makes it feel a bit pointless.

On the parents thing, he either doesn’t really acknowledge the difference or when he vaguely does, he says he has to make the effort because they’re there to see him as well. Which I get to a point, but it doesn’t really explain why that version of him only seems to exist when they’re around.

He's a twat, when do you get time off to relax?

@StormGazing
i don’t know how else to go about this?
if I also lay down on the sofa, then the kids would literally run wild and the baby would stay in a dirty nappy, hungry.
if I leave him to put them to bed, he’d go in, tell the child to sleep and leave or do a similarly poor and pointless job

Of course you’re better at it - you always bloody do it!!

You need to address this asap. Being a stay at home parent to three children IS having a job. It’s just as tiring to do 9-5 as his job. All other hours around this it’s 50/50. Otherwise you have a 24/7 job you never have a rest from and he has a 8-7 5 days a week job which allows him to rest all the time he’s not there - an obvious imbalance.

Tell him to step up as they’re his kids and he needs to raise them too!

But equally if you do everything and let him be so ignorant, he will never learn!

@Lmnop22
so how do I get him to do stuff without disadvantaging the kids? I obviously don’t mind him being slower at bedtime / bathtime or not getting things perfect or serving them lunch on the wrong plate etc but I would mind if he just doesn’t do it. Like if he just sat on his phone whilst our middle baby cries for his attention or if he did a half arsed bedtime where he reads 1 page of a book, then says lights out and leaves.

If anything, what bothers me most is the performance when the parents visit, then going back to his usual mode the next day and likely saying he’s got to rest because we did something extra active or unusually far from the house or ate too much or whatever else with his parents

He doesn’t want to show that side of himself to his parents.

probably at least in part because they would be disappointed and upset and might make negative comments and he doesn’t want those.

he doesn’t enjoy parenting though, clearly.

Some men see their role in the family as sort of benignly funding their dw’s hobby children and it doesn’t seem to occur to them that they’re supposed to do anything else. But I don’t even this is the problem here.

I very much doubt that your dh is trying to make up for your short comings with his dps. He’s putting on an act for them, because he knows his normal is unacceptable. So he’s choosing to take advantage of you between times.

If you’re not ready to leave, start by taking a holiday 2 days a month and let the three of them sort themselves out. If pressed, explain it’s the only bit of parenting he does, and your only chance for a break.

Realistically, it’s unlikely he will pull his weight, but you might be able to compel him to buy more help - that’s an arrangement men like these understand. And pushing for that may be necessary if you have intentions to return to work at some point,

What would you like to be doing op?

I wonder what would happen if you asked him if he’s worried his parents would be disappointed in him if they saw the way he actually acts as a parent / husband, and if that’s why he puts on the special performance for them? I bet he’d be incensed, because it would strike a nerve.

You correct him like a child and challenge him every time. “Why are you on your phone? You can hear Daisy crying…” “read them a proper bedtime story this time and be nice” “why did you change that nappy and not play or cuddle the baby?”

You make him as uncomfortable as his laziness makes you. If you don’t put up with his weaponised incompetence, he can’t get away with it. Failing that, he’ll have to explain to his family why he’s suddenly a single dad.

Nip this shit in the bud now.

Do you think he wants to be a husband and / or father? How is your relationship outside being parents?

It sounds as though he needs to perform in front of his parents to look like he’s got his sh*t together.

If you don’t get on with them, why are they coming to stay every month. It seems a bit too often to put themselves on a family busy with young kids. Do they like you?

Also, why did you have a third child with this man? Surely you knew by then that he’s not really interested in being Dad?

I would be making plans to return to work asap and then ensure all childcare was split if you want to remain with him. That might mean a cut in your overall household income but at the moment you are working 24/7 and you will get burnout from being a SAHM. I feel sorry for your kids that don't have an active father in their lives. You are practically a single parent so you may as well be a real one.

I’d be pulling him up on it in front of his parents. Private conversation first but then if no changes then I’d make it clear that this is a performance only for an audience and I wouldn’t be entertaining his parents at all.

It seems really rude to be like this with your in-laws. They are your kids' grandparents, and you should want to promote a good relationship=now fair enough if they've been abusive to you, but you didn't say that.
Maybe get a job and then ask your husband to do 50:50, or thereabouts depending on the hours you work, as he probably thinks you get lots of breaks during the week, but if you're doing the same paid hours as him, he will have to do the same home work/child care.

id say if you won’t give me actual parenting support for your own children regularly then I will go away every time your parents come and get some time to myself the one time I know you’ll look after your kids. I’ll explain to your parents why but I’m not putting up with this and keeping secret from your parents that they only ever meet an imaginary good dad version of you. I’m better at it because I try, that’s a reason for you to work harder at parenting not an excuse.

but also, you should get a job. Every woman who thinks their partner is a shit dad should get a job. You might need it. Again, you happily say to friends in front of him that we didn’t have the family load balance right between us so I needed a job to try and improve that.

Did he take much persuasion to take part at the time of the children’s conception.
😉😁.

Use his wage to pay for child care on the weekend since you both need a break.

He married you and got a servant, sextoy, and nanny all for free.
He needs to acknowledge that what YOU do IS work, and you never get a break.

He has a lunch break at work? He has downtime. He gets to drive to work/home/take the train solo? He has downtime. My EX husband could never grasp this simple concept either.

I'll be completely honest, for me, It would be a simple question of whether I can put up with it, or not. I wouldn't hold out any hope of changing him. I don't really believe you can change most people who act like this - it is so ingrained and learnt, that I doubt anything you say will have a permanent impact, just temporary boosts.

So then for me, once you get away from the idea of change, it becomes about solutions to make your life easier.

You could leave him.. you could pay for more childcare to give you a break.. you could just get on with it and suffer (for the sake of the kids) until they are all in school, and your life gets a bit easier.. you could utilize the grandparents.. you could ship the kids out to more clubs/groups/activities to give yourself a rest.. etc. etc.

That is where I would be focusing. I wouldn't waste my time failing to change him, but instead just start to think of practical solutions that give me a bit more sanity, whilst not disadvantaging the children.