To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

I would think it odd you would have them share when they could have their own rooms. It seems a shame to have a room sitting empty most of the time when it could be in use

Why do 12 yr old girls have 'disgusting hygiene'?!

I mean the kids could clean up after themselves of course it is fine for them to want separate bedrooms but they know that other people will be staying in it, that will probably prevent them from wanting a room.

A room each. Dp needs to make sure they are happy to share if guests stay. He can make sure that room is guest ready also.
Do they have their own rooms at dm's? My ds's had their own rooms (3)at exh's.. With me they shared.. No issues. Step away from any hygiene problems. Direct those also to dp..

Sorry but yabu. No way do you put guests in front of your step children. I don’t believe for a second if you had 2 children in a 4 bed house that you’d make them share. The hygiene is another issue, and given the fact they’re 12 and their hygiene is currently your responsibility, I’d call that neglect. If they are messy then surely it will be easier for them to have separate spaces to be held accountable for

Surely it’s for their dad to decide?

Do they have their own rooms with their mother ? You are perfectly entitled to say that you want one room spare for your frequent visitors . Nothing to with be stepkids . Normal for same sex kids to share especially twins . And a room that is not permanently occupied. Their hygiene is a completely different matter that needs to be addressed.

Of course they should have a room each! Get them to pick and the one who gets first choice has to move out and in with her twin for a few days every time you have guests.

YANBU. If their dad can’t or won’t make sure the room(s) are kept in decent enough condition that other people can stay in them for the majority of the time they’re not with you they can trash one room instead of two.

Better to have one dirty room than 2, perhaps they will keep one room clean if they have to share though.

I’d love to be able to answer (and fix) this question!

Since they were young, they’ve been incredibly messy in their room. They both wash themselves properly and care about their appearances but they don’t care about their bedroom at all. After EOWE their room is like a bomb site: clothes thrown over their floor, make up smeared into furniture and carpet, rubbish on the floor instead of their bin, wet towels shoved under beds to rot, dirty clothes and underwear in the bed instead of their laundry basket.

We’ve tried ordering them to clean before they leave, we’ve tried bribery, we’ve tried helping them, and now my preferred solution is to just shut the door and try not to think about it. I have zero faith that it’d ever be left in a state which was suitable for visitors to use.

Not if it’s a shared house that’s already not where OP would choose to live. They moved to be closer to the DC after their mum moved, OP and her DS are already making sacrifices for the SDs.

Yes a room each. It’s their home, not the occasional guests. Think of the message it sends out to them to make them share

With the current situation I say yanbu. I'd put them in shared for now but tell them they can have their own rooms when they can prove they can keep it clean and tidy.

Sound suspiciously like you’re saying it’s tit for tat in terms of inconvenience. Issue is, it’s the step daughters who suffer who made no decisions

Well their dad must be aware of that, they’re his kids and he’s letting them treat the place like a dump, so he won’t want two rooms being left in that state. They’re only there EOW bar holidays. One disgusting room is more than enough. Is he happy for them to share a room?

If one of them moved in or made it their primary home, I’d be happy for them to have separate rooms. As it is, they’re here about the same amount of time as our collective guests.

in my opinion priority order should be

• the daughters, who should feel this is their home and their needs be met as best as possible
• visiting family
• visiting friends

so, they get a room each. Set it up so there’s a decent sofa bed in one room or the living room, and one daughter moves to give your mum a proper bed when she stays every couple of months.

if you no longer have room for friends to stay so be it, your family’s needs come first and now the girls are older their privacy and own space is more important than offering a free stay to friends - they can find a hotel.

Suffer by sharing a room? Twice a month?

But it’s not your collective guests home. It’s theirs

They can share. No brainer. Having two filthy teenage rooms standing empty most of the time is a waste. And it will drive you utterly insane to have to clean up one of their rooms every few weeks for your various visitors.

He can see both sides. He wants to give them a room each (they share at their mum’s, along with another sister) but he doesn’t want to do the necessary cleaning to make their room(s) passably clean.

No. It's not fair for OP to have the stress of having to clean up a messy teen's room every time she is expecting her mum and her other frequent guests.

Unreasonable not to try at all. You can make an agreement that they can have a room each long as they keep the rooms tidy and clean. If they don’t, they go back to sharing.

But surely parent > step parent?