To say SDs have to share a room?

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DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

If they share at home I don’t see the issue of sharing at yours especially as they are not there 50%. But I would be looking at how I could divide a room to give them each a separate part. Lots of ideas out there

then they get a room each plus you still have a guest room

And you can still shut the door on the mess.

The issue of keeping it tidy is for your dh to take forward. But I would be banning food. I would not be removing dirty clothes left on the floor but may remove wet towels. I would leave the room as they left it and would not be buying a replacement if anything the damaged or destroyed

MN are obsessed with separate rooms, they stay 4 nights per month , sharing a room is perfectly fine.

Why don’t you say that if they can leave the room tidy (so they share for now) to a good standard - maybe provide a list of requirements, then they can have their own rooms after six months/a year/whatever time? It might incentivise them?

As someone who had to share a room with my sister growing up I would say give them their own rooms. They should feel like it’s their home too.

Priority number one should be getting them to stop being mining tho. I would probably say you can have your own rooms on the condition you clean. It may take some prodding (I was a mucky child). Clean as they go, every time. My mum used to stick her head round the door frequently and tell me to tidy up. It took some drilling but it worked and now it’s second nature. It’s about habits. This is a job for their dad though imo.

Can you separate one of the rooms like you currently have?

Yep, this.

She said EOWE (every other weekend) and later said 50-60 nights a year (which is EOWE plus a 2 week holiday).

60/365= 16% of the time. I can well imagine Granny coming for a long weekend once a month (36/365 = 10% of the time) and additional guests once every couple of months would then make up the rest.

This is absolutely revolting. The individual rooms is a side issue. It’s not normal for a young person of that age to think that smearing bogies up the wall is fine. And I can’t believe that you then leave it for 2 weeks so it’s then even worse. Plus you’ll get rats!

I would ask your DH to make a rule that next time they come, an hour before they leave they put their phones/ tech away and that is dedicated room tidying time. All washing out, pots in the kitchen, make up put away, surfaces clean, open window and hoover. Tell them then when they come next time it will be lovely for them. If they refuse or take ages to do it, they stay until it’s done, or next time you take the tech 2 hours before they leave. It might sound harsh but kids need to start learning what’s acceptable in terms of hygiene/ personal care to be successful adults.

When you move I’d also put vinyl on the floor and have wipe clean furniture in their room (no upholstery) until they are more reliably clean and tidy.

An EOWE arrangement generally means Fri/Sat/Sun nights (and occasionally this arrangement starts on a Thursday). So at least 3 nights per visit.

But they are not on equal footing as your guests.

They are part of the family unit and household. None of our kids come after our parents in-laws or friends. And we are a blended family.

God I hate this sort of melodramatic reply when an OP has raised a perfectly valid concern.

I imagine getting them to tidy their room is useless when they are there for a weekend, unless you want the whole weekend to be upset by constant moaning. Your DP won’t want to keep telling them off when they are only there for 2 days at a time, he will want a happy 2 days.
I shared with my sister and it was never a problem.

You have a husband problem. I wouldn't be cleaning their room either. His kids he cleans.

I was messy as hell when I shared a room. Not dirty but certainly clothes all over the floor and I never made the bed. Completely different once I had my own space. From speaking to friends I don’t think it’s uncommon to be messy when there’s no ownership over the space but change when the room is your own. So I think I’d agree that they can have separate rooms but only if they’re left perfectly clean for visitors.

But let's be honest, who would blame the OP for being less than enthusiastic about the situation? Having one room trashed is bad enough, let alone two? Particularly when I expect the OP is part-funding this.

OP, I’d tell them that you need a spare room not just for your relatives and guests, but so there’s somewhere for their friends to stay if they want them for sleepovers. I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable for twins who are only there EOW to share a room - my twins shared a room until their DS left home.

They live majority of their time with their mum and they manage to share just fine! What is the obsession with children having separate rooms on here? My brothers shared until the eldest one moved out in his twenties!
You need to keep a room clean and tidy as you have frequent guests. You don’t need two filth pits. They sound slovenly little mares.

Let them share, no point having two rooms out of actin most of the time. Its not their home, they are visiting once every 2nd week and lets be honest in 2-3 yrs time they won't even want to do that.

This, it needs incentive, if they go back to the slob ways then they share again.
It's hardly ss or nspcc territory to expect certain degree of respect for their home.
Make up on furniture and carpet is not respecting themselves or anyone else.

This^^^!!!!!!!

However, I did quite like the suggestion up thread that if they share a bedroom - and keep all their clobber in it - then one of them can occasionally sleep in the 'spare' room if no one is using it.

I think, because we have them so infrequently, it is very hard to impose good habits on them. I assume their bedroom at their mum’s house is the same.

I agree with you though, I find it absolutely disgusting and the state of their room has been a sore point between me and them, and me and DP, for years. Normally I go in to collect dirty laundry and DP goes in to hoover. When challenged and made to clean up something particularly gross, they each deny it, blame the other, then sulk.

They’re generally very nice girls but the bedroom issue is absolutely abhorrent.

They should each get a room. If they aren’t in residence, the rooms can be used by guests.

cleaning is an issue that can be addressed by their father. If you want a room a guest standard instead of child standard, that may mean some parent cleaning which is fair because the guests are not benefitting the child. The children should be expected to get the room to a normal
child standard only.

Agree with other posters. It's share for now, and if you can keep it clean and tidy for 6 months, we can discuss a room each. Remind them an hour before they're due to leave, so they've got a window to clear up in (so it doesn't feel like you're tricking them.)

Also, highly recommend DP, not you, is responsible for clearing up their mess if it's left in a state.

Every couple of months is not "frequent visitors".

Completely agree! OP is totally in the right to have the girls share a room and keep one room clear and usable to visitors and family!