To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

This is entirely true.

It ends up being a bit of a battle of wills between me and them with DP in the middle, and frankly, I have better things to do than spend my weekends nagging them or my Mondays cleaning two filth pits instead of one.

The bedroom they’d share has an en suite too, which would mean keeping them both out of the family bathroom, which would be a huge boon.

I would be sitting them down and saying if you can follow our household rules and treat our / your home with respect e g. Putting clothes in the laundry, cleaning your room etc then we will consider two separate rooms until then you will have to continue to share as this is brand new home that we need to care for. They sound like they get away with it a mums house so continue at yours. I wouldn't do two rooms until they are responsible as you will end up with a big issue on your hands when you have guests! They may need their own space but they need to show they are ready for it. I have a 6 year old ds pda asd and he can manage to put clothes in the wash! Good luck!

Tel them they can each have their own room on the condition that the rooms are kept tidy enough for guests, if the can’t keep their rooms tidy they’ll have to go back to sharing.

So they can trash that too?

Baring in mind how destructive they are, I can see why you are saying this. Maybe you could do things to limit damage- for example hard floor not carpet? Wood bed, not fabric headboard etc. I too have a destructive daughter and it’s infuriating and mindless.

The other option is maybe get them to share and say it it stays undamaged then let them have one each?

Is there any way of splitting a larger room?

They share a room. Despite what many on mn state, this is not their home. They have their home with their mother. They stay with their father and stepmother only eowe. This does not mean they are not loved and cherished equally by both parents.

Even more of a reason to separate them- you can just say “your room, your mess.” I suspect you might actually have one tidy twin who is being sabotaged TBH.

I get that it’s infrequent and you don’t have to be on at them the whole weekend- just a few hours on a Sunday to sort things out. If they aren’t getting these messages at their main home even more important for your DH to do the work when he does have them.

Can he speak to the mum and agree a plan between them? Even if not he’s got to keep trying to sort this out- unless they have SEN this isn’t acceptable.

Otherwise they might grow into very unhappy young women who no one will want to sit next to at work or share a house with because of their revolting habits, however nice they are.

The bedroom they would share has an en suite and I prefer them having that to being in the shared family bathroom. At the moment, there’s unflushed toilets every day, toothpaste smeared all over the mirror, bottles left open in the bath…

Honestly, DS is a lot tidier and he’s half their age.

I think given the other sacrifices and issues they should be ok to share. Also, if you get a job where you need to WFH etc, where will you work? So a "spare" room that you work from and is suitable for guests would be acceptable - you say your mum stays often as do other friends. And they are there every other weekend - surely they'd feel happier if there stuff was not disturbed for others to stay in their room, and have more say over how their room was decorated etc. Its still a space of their own in your home. Get clever with the rooom and dividers - there are some AWESOME ways to divvy up rooms now rather than bunk beds etc!

Are they messy in everything they do like school work? Has school commented on their behaviour?

Their mum is not interested in discussing things like this. They often arrive at ours in dirty clothes with hair that hasn’t been brushed for days. They don’t have many friends and don’t seem to care about other people other than each other.

When they’re here, they happily shower or bathe daily but I don’t think it’s so frequent at her’s.

The lack of hygiene does make me worry for their futures, as well as being exceptionally frustrating, but I don’t think there’s a lot I can do about it without becoming the Evil Stepmum.

They don't have a room each at home so they don't need a room each at your new place. They can share as they currently do, and you can have your guest room.

I’d personally say that they have to share a room until such time as they have proven they can take care of that room and can leave it pristine every time - at which point you will consider them having separate rooms when they come for longer stays (in the holidays). Ie, they have to earn access to a separate room in the holidays by keeping the shared room pristine on their weekend visits.

ETA - it really isn’t a big deal for same sex twins to share a room for 2x 2 nights a month though. Many of us shared rooms throughout our childhoods and these girls are used to it at their primary home.

They share until they can prove they can keep their bedroom tidy, it’s a decent incentive. Totally fair that if they don’t stay that often you keep a guest room for your mum , especially if you moved away to be closer to them.

I really don't understand how they can even be so bad! Tell them if they keep the shared room clean and tidy for 6 months then they get one each. You know what will happen so...

Sad for your DS that he only sees his Grandma every few months rather than daily. Is the house in joint names?

This sounds like borderline neglect TBH. Unwashed and unbrushed hair, very insular. Does not sound healthy at all and a recipe for poor mental health. Plus you can hardly blame them for being revolting at yours- no one is showing them a decent example by the sounds of it.

If I am honest I think you and your DH should be giving them a room each in your new house and asking for increased contact as I am genuinely quite worried for the poor kids. If they are going to secondary school, starting their periods, getting BO they really do need help otherwise they could develop serious issues. Your DH should also have a word with school to see how they are doing there and see if they have mentioned anything to their mum.

They're there every other weekend, of course they share. They share at their dm's?

Having 2 rooms unused for the majority of the time is crazy.

I'm with you op. Tell them to clean up after themselves too, someone has to parent here it the dm and df can't/won't.

This, but you'll probably have to lock the spare room.

Some kids are messy but they're old enough to clean up after themselves.

Share, they need to prove they are capable to keeping their rooms clear and clean. Perhaps then one each. Make up everywhere and not cleaning before they leave, nah, dad needs to be more strict!

Don't put guests in front of your step children. Would you do the same if they were biologically yours. I suspect not. But their dad has to speak to them about being more tidy etc . Good luck!

I think you have to prioritise the children over guests. Make DP tidy when guests come.

Charming man.

Poor girls. What does their father do to address this? It can't be your responsibility. It's their parents' job.

They share at their dm's though. If they lived fulltime with the op yes, bedroom each but for eow?