To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

I'd say they will share a room for 1 year, if they leave the room tidy, clean and no mess them they can each have their own room on the basis both rooms remain clean and tidy

This sounds virtuous, but the reality is they're only there every other weekend and leave the rooms a tip. And them each getting a room means OP's mum and other family cannot visit.

Yes, totally agree with this.

If you go with your suggestion, you are telling the SDs that they are less important that occasional guests. If you can make not having their own rooms as a consequence of not keeping them clean, that gives them the responsiblity.

Or th reverse - if they keep their shared bedroom in a good state for the first year, reliably, you'll consider giving them a room each.

But they have to show they will do it before they are rewarded with separate rooms.

Would that be a decent compromise, @Cachet88 ?

Oh, cross posted! I was typing when you made the same suggestion.
sorry!

I would give them this choice:

Either they have a room each but the rooms will be doubling up as guest rooms when they aren't there so you get to choose furniture and decor and every time they visit they will be required, before they leave, to tidy and clean both rooms putting away all their personal items and leaving it guest-room ready (so no stuff out on dressing table or bedside table, and some of the storage space drawers etc always left empty for guests) OR one of the two rooms is designated a guest bedroom that neither of them uses but the room they share can be more personalised and they don't have to get it guest-room ready at the end of each visit.

How disgusting can a room get if it’s only used two nights a fortnight?

At the moment we bring DS in with us and my mum sleeps on a fold out bed in his room, or on a sofa bed. Neither are really practical as she’s getting older, nor is having other guests on the sofa bed in the front room when they’re staying for more than a night or two, as DP’s family and friends often do.

I think they take precedence over extended family and friends. It's irrelevant how much time they spend there. It's horrible enough as a child being passed from pillar to post and not feeling like you really belong in your parents' new families.

And they clean up their own mess. End of.

Two of my children shared a bedroom their entire childhoods until the eldest left for uni. It's not a punishment! It's perfectly normal in many families - and here we're speaking of two girls who only use the room for two days out of 14!

I'd want a say in how half the bedrooms in my house are used if I'm paying for half the house

YABU.

They can share if you have visitors
OR if they don’t keep the rooms basically clean. So vacuum once a week and no food

untidy is one thing, clean is another. Teens need a dumping space

Precisely. The two girls should share - it's a no brainer.

If they can share at their mum’s where they are most of the time they really don’t need separate rooms for 4 days a month. Presuming you haven’t moved yet now’s his chance to make them clean up after themselves before you move. Doesn’t sound like it’ll happen but at least he’ll have tried 🤷‍♀️

Did you make your children share a room even though they didn’t want to and you had a spare room though? Because they’re not going to be sharing out of necessity

You’d be surprised. It’s not just a bit messy but in the last few months, there’s been nail varnish spilled on the floor and covered up with dirty clothes, bogies smeared on a wall, cotton buds covered in ear wax in a bed, some kind of lip oil dropped on white furniture and smeared around, chewing gum stuck under a bed…

They're lovely girls on the whole but incredibly disrespectful to their bedroom. Even getting them to make their beds takes asking multiple times and helping them.

@Cachet88 Give them a room each, one of which doubles up as a spare room BUT... they can ONLY have their own rooms if they are kept clean! If the rooms are left in a state after their weekend staying, then they go back to sharing a room.

They need to understand about respecting the property, so they will lose the privilege of their own rooms if they cannot keep BOTH rooms clean. Rooms will be inspected before they leave.

You can do this on the basis that if they're expecting you to clean up after them then they can have a small room so you only have one room to clean up.

When you have guests staying and they're also there, then they share.

@Peoplemakemedespair their hygiene is currently your responsibility She's not their parent.

I am as protective as it comes towards step children and consider myself to be a third parent with all it entails but even I think it is utterly ridiculous to have separate rooms which they use four days a month. There are more ways to make sure kids are welcome in their home than a token "room each".

Your DP doesn’t get to say that he doesn’t want to clean up after his own DC, that’s part of parenting.

The SDs should each get their own room and their Dad should parent them effectively so they keep it clean. He should also be the one to get the rooms guest-ready before anyone comes to stay.

In a relatively short period of time I can guarantee he will be so fed up of cleaning up after his Dds that he will make them do it themselves, win-win.

But in short, DC obviously come before guests and it’s daft for a room to be empty the majority of the time and the girls have to share when it’s the SDs home just as much as it is your DC’s.

You and your DH needed to have sorted this out before giving the girls the idea that there were two rooms 'unaccounted for' .

You clearly need a guest room whether that be that they move out of one, or one room is Guest Room.

It is not OK that your Ds comes into your bedroom with you and your Mum sleeps on a fold out bed - she's family and you moved away from her to be nearer to the Dsds. She's your Mum and a grandparent.

The DSDs will be better off at your house than at their own, sharing with just each other and not additional sister.

Either you allocate a guest room OR the girls have a room each and must agree that when other family come one must move in with the other. And they and your DH make it in a fit state for such visits.

I'd also be ensuring their father (with the support of their mother) made clear
(1) If rooms are not clean and tidy when they leave then the money that would be spent on their phones etc. will be taken off them and used to employ a cleaner
(2) If at any time their rooms are left a state then you will be changing the WiFi router code.

Have a family meeting and ask them what they thing. Set out options
(1) Clean room and have a room each
(2) Less clean room (but still being respectful of their property) and they share.

Edited to say my husband never had his own room at his Dad's house when he remarried and had more kids - it has not caused any severe breakdown in their relationship. The whole family, half brothers / sisters and step siblings and parents all have excellent relationships.

Make one room their bedroom. Not the smallest room.
They have drawers and things they keep there.
Try to make a private space within the room for each girl.
The girls usually share with three in the room so they are used to it.
Insist that they learn to keep their room tidy.

Make one room the dedicated guest room.
Allow one of the girls to sometimes sleep in the guest bedroom if there are no guests. This allows them to experience a tidy room and you can direct that they leave the guest room clean and tidy.

Can they officially share and one room is kept as a guest/spare room and they can use when staying, if no one else is visiting. However it comes with a clause that they need to leave it the way they found it. If they don’t, they lose the choice to use the room