To say SDs have to share a room?

[Cachet88]

DP and I are buying a new, bigger house. It will have four bedrooms. One for us, one for DS6. We also have SD12 (twins) who are with us EOWE and half the holidays. Currently they share a room.

SDs mum moved and we moved to be closer about three years ago. Therefore my mum now lives too far to do day visits but stays here every month or two. DP’s family live abroad and stay a few times a year, and we have other friends and family to stay fairly often too (pretty location!).

As there are now two bedrooms unaccounted for, SDs want a bedroom each. I do not want this, because I want a spare room for guests, and because both SDs are absolutely disgusting in terms of hygiene.

YANBU: they don’t need a room each
YABU: they need a room each

I have 3, twin DDs and a ds. When they stayed at their dads every other weekend ds had the box room and twins shared the other room and the double bed in there, the rest of the tine it was a guest room, wardrobes contained their dad and his partners shoes and clothes. None of us questioned it tbh.

If you have regular guests staying I'd assume the twins would share, otherw9se you'd be constantly sorting the 4th bedroom out for guests and the twins would need to share then anyway. Personally, I'd get them used to it now rather than endure the inevitable moaning every time great Aunt Mable needs to dirty their sheets and breath near their things

yabu, four bedrooms means each of the 3 DC get their own room. Children come before guests. I know the step daughters are only there 50% of the time, but that is hardly their choice. They don’t get to choose a primary home so it seems unfair for you to penalise them for the decisions made by adults.

Your descriptions as to how messy the room they share gets has me wondering how they live the other 50% of the time. Is their mother a hoarder or neglectful? Are they used to living in dirty conditions and so were never shown how to clean? At 12 they will be acutely aware they don’t know how to clean but also too embarrassed and ashamed to admit it. There is also the element of a toxic cycle, why bother trying to keep a room clean if your sister is likely to just make it a mess? If they get their own room they will feel like it is their space, not borrow or shared space, and have the opportunity to take care of it. I’d also no judgementally start body doubling with them to show them how to clean their room and teach them the skills to tackle spilled nail polish (instead of panic, throw something over it and pretend it didn’t happen). For kids that were never shown how to clean just telling them “clean your room” is like telling a someone who has never driven to drive a car.

Guests need to book accommodation or be alright with the sofa bed.

Room each and then they can share if there’s guests (what we always did growing up!)

Is there an ensuite room? Might they be happy to share if they got their own bathroom?

The dsd's are only living with OP every other weekend and half holidays so rooms will be empty most of the time anyway. It sounds like OP has quite a lot of visitors so keeping one room for visitors seems sensible, especially if they leave room disgusting so it would mean a deep clean every time a visitor needed to use the room. There is absolutely nothing wrong with siblings sharing a room. Only on MN is it a crime.

DH and I have 3DC and a 4 bedroomed house and our teenage daughters (not twins) have always shared, the fourth room is a guest room/study. It's not unreasonable to have twins sharing.

I do wonder abut the state they leave their room in though, and if it's some kind of dirty protest because it sounds quite extreme. @Cachet88 's DH needs to sort that out.

Parents decide sleeping arrangements; kids can't dictate.
Of course they should share a room. That's already their norm at their mum's.
Op, if you gave them a room each can you imagine the drama you'd face if you asked one of them (and which one?) to give up their room for visitors?
And can you imagine the extra work you'd put on yourself by cleaning the messy room before your visitors arrived?
Keep your spare room just as you want. You don't have to pander to the demands and unrealistic expectations set by any of your kids.

How did you calculate 4 days a month? The OP said end of week and weekend of every week plus half the holidays?

Perhaps you could say that if they demonstrate that they can keep their shared room clean for six months, they can then have separate rooms, one of which will be used as a guest room on occasion. If they regress, back to sharing a room!

They’re not here 50% of the time. As we go away on holidays too, I’d guess they sleep over here about 50-60 nights a year?

I’ve never been in their mum’s house so couldn’t comment. I don’t know if it’s a twin thing but they’ve always been exceptionally uncaring about their personal possessions. When they were little, I thought it was because they usually had two of everything. We have both spent hours (probably days by now) helping them to put their laundry away, make their beds and tidy their rooms. They just do not care.

Can't you have your guests the weekends they are not there (as much as possible anyway). You could use having their own rooms as leverage to keep them clean and tidy or they will have to go back to sharing, see which they prefer. How much mess can they make only being there EOWE, are they in their room a lot of the time, don't they just mainly sleep in there? Clothes and towels on the floor is just a minute. Make up nail varnish, etc stays in the bathroom.

Sounds like you would rather they never came at all.

My 11yo leaves a trail of mess behind her (wrappers / clothes / whatever art or craft project she starts) but the bogies and ear wax is just fucking revolting.

There is a difference between messy and dirty.

Can't help with the room choice situation as there is no way I'd want two filthy rooms but I'd certainly be pulling them up on the state of the room/s whatever you decide.

Now if I find a wrapper or a plate left out (we don't eat in bedrooms so it will be in main living area) or a pile of clothes then I call DD and make her stop whatever she is doing to come and clean up after herself - can't say it's made her much tidier though! But it does annoy her so I am hoping she eventually gets it.

I'd be getting dad to do spot checks on the room whilst they are there and pulling them up on any mess then and there.

I would talk to them and explain that you need a room for guests, so if they are happy to share their room with guests and keep it clean and tidy then they can have a room each, if not they'll have to share with each other

I wonder if them being separated in their own rooms would make them cleaner?

But also I think it would be fair to tell them they have to share for the next year or so until they grow up a bit.

Teenagers are always going to make a mess and get make up on the carpet, but they shouldn’t be smearing their snots all up the walls.

Has someone else suggested: have a proper sit down conversation with them about it. Explain you'd be happy for them to each have a room, if those rooms were usable by guests when they're not there. Given the way they treat their current room, this would not be the case. So if they want to have a room each, they have to earn it, by cleaning up their current room and consistently leaving it in a sensible state.

In one of her posts she mentioned EOWE which generally means every other weekend, does it not?

I should probably add that they never fight and have similar interests. One of them said they wanted separate rooms so they could sleep in one and have one to hang out in recently…

I don’t think it’s a dirty protest because they’ve always been extremely disrespectful to their own possessions and not seen a problem with it. I’d hoped they’d grow out of it…

Tbh I think the way they have treated their current room is surely reason enough to tell them that's why they can't have 2?!!

No way I would give 2 rooms over to being treated like this.

I understand a bit of mess, and we don’t live in a showhome by any means! Some of the things they do is just disgusting though and frankly I wouldn’t want to sleep in their room unless it’d had hours of deep cleaning, so wouldn’t expect a guest to.

They’re not allowed food upstairs (I still find sweet wrappers everywhere!) and they’re quite happy to be told to tidy up downstairs. It’s just their room.

😮

Why do you see them so little if you moved to be near their mum?

It's possible that when they have their own rooms they will look after it better. At their mother' three of them share a room and at your house they also share. They probably don't feel any ownership at all.
I think you should let them have a room each but tell them that the biggest room could be used as a guest room when they are not with you. Also tell them that the room each is conditional on them being responsible and looking after their rooms. If they can't/won't do that they will have to share. Tell them clearly that is is a trial.
It's surprising how people's behaviour can change when it is their own space.

I think sharing is reasonable. Since when was it so essential for kids to not share bedrooms? Also, surely it’s important for them to be able to visit when your DP’s family visit so they can spend time with their father’s family? It’s unfair for you both not to be able to have family to stay when they are there, and they will miss out if they can’t spend time with their dad’s family.

I did think that, so when we moved into our current house, we split the biggest bedroom with a stud wall and decorated each side to their choosing. It’s clearly delineated but both sides are equally grim.