To not want guests staying at 35 weeks pregnant?

[gratedcheeseandham]

For context, it’s my husband and I’s first child. For context, my husband is French and has a lot of friends still in France.

I’m currently just over 28 weeks pregnant and we have a guest staying with us this week that he hasn’t seen in a couple of years (an old university friend). I’ve never met her, but as I’m off work (Easter holidays and I’m a teacher), I didn’t really have an issue with her staying. I think that has translated to my husband thinking I’m okay for people staying whenever.

The problem is that he has invited his best friend from France, his wife and their two very small children (5 and 2) in the third week of May for five nighs. I’ll be 35/36 weeks at that point. I get on with the couple, but they are definitely more friends with my husband than me. They don’t speak English and aren’t that patient with my semi bad French. I’ll still be at work as I go off on maternity the week after, and to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

My pregnancy has also been quite rough. I had to go and stay in hospital at 26 weeks for an iron transfusion as my iron stores were critically low, I’m consultant led as have a bleeding disorder (unrelated to iron stores) and baby is measuring on the 98th percentile. I’m also on crutches with PGP and feeling a bit like a dog that needs to be put down.

I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward.

I am dreading it. How do I bring this up to my husband? He’s also wanting to invite three couples round in July - a few weeks after giving birth. I think he’s being quite naive.

Well, tell him that all hosting duties are on him for a start — all cooking, cleaning, bed making. Then go and stay in a hotel yourself if it still feels too much? And say no to more visitors when you have a newborn. Apart from anything else, where will they sleep if the baby will be in the spare room?

Use this visit as an example. His guest, his hosting (cooking, cleaning etc).

I agree - I think it is time to say ok, I am on crutches and shattered; I'll be in bed by 8/9 but you crack on.

You need to keep going over the implications with him so he gets it. Is he planning on taking them out for some meals? If so, has he booked for three adults and two children - you'll be at home in bed. If he's shopping for a fancy meal, you might skip dessert if it's going to run late as you're not up to sitting around for three hours.

Has he considered you might be back in hospital again by this point?

If none of that gets through, would it be possible to suggest you leave him to it with his guests for a couple of nights as you're going to your mum (depending on work/where she is), or a friend is putting you up so you won't be kept awake by them chatting late into the night.

For me the fact he's just steamrollering past your worries is the issue here.

You just tell him he is undertaking 100% of all hosting duties. From changing the beds to shopping, cleaning, cooking.

Go to work, come in , greet everyone effusively, say you are exhausted and must rest before dinner and your DH should call you when it’s ready

SURELY these guests who come with kids muck in with household duties? And take you out to dinner?

I unexpectedly had my dc at 35 weeks (sorry hope this don’t worry you) if you suddenly need to go and be checked or anything how will that be feasible if he’s wellied up on booze? Agree with pp, bed rest for you, or the hotel option and he can take all the mine host role!

Personally I’d be taking myself off to stay in a hotel - preferably a very nice one where every whim would be catered to - and leave twatty husband to do the entertaining alone.

Why on earth is he inviting people to stay without any discussion with you first?? If this is the dynamic of your relationship then you need to change it now - it's your house too and these decisions should be discussed and made together.

If he's not willing to tell his friends they need to stay in a hotel, I'd be taking yourself off to a hotel for those few days, resting and eating room service. You sound like you deserve a break!

Bloody hell. You might even have had the baby by then or about to be.
I would be leaving this entirely up to him to sort out.
the friends sound unreasonable as well, surely having young kids they’d know what it’s like being full term pregnant?

when you say he likes elaborate meals does he cook them or expect you to do it?

having said all that I have lived in France and have French friends and I do think they view hosting differently and are not as uptight about it as we are in the UK.

I would still be taking myself off to bed after getting home from work and leaving them to it.

YY, you definitely need to point out that he won't be drinking given he might need to do a hospital run.

FWIW, I think you need to state these things as obvious facts. It sounds as if he genuinely hasn't thought about them at all. If his friends are still mostly in France, probably he has missed out on seeing them with newborns and may assume it's much less hands-on than it really is.

Just do this. You can’t be expected to change beds, do shopping, prepare meals (especially as you’ll probably not be able to eat much of them at that stage), or clear up when you’re on crutches with low iron at 36 weeks pregnant. Tell him how much you’re looking forward to him hosting as you’ll obviously be exhausted. Rest after work for a few hours, come downstairs for your freshly cooked meal, then go back to bed once you’ve had enough to eat.

I wonder about cultural differences too.

My SIL is German and I love her; I know that if I invited her over at this stage, she would corral her own children; she would expect meals to be very simple or to go out, and she'd be utterly unfussed if I said 'you know what, I'm going to bed at 6.30 and you guys stay up and chat'. She would not have it in her mind that 'the hostess' needed to be there all the time.

It's possible this couple assume the same and are not particularly expecting you to be on call for five days.

It doesn't help, though, if you will feel uncomfortable with them there, or if your DH will expect you to be pitching in with his three course meals or whatever.

Do this

And start with this week's guest

Insane! I’d be insuring he either cancelled or does literally everything himself. At that stage I was so uncomfortable, rarely out of bed unless at work, and would not be happy with all the noise of 2 hour dinner parties etc., meaning selfish and I can’t believe his friends wife hasn’t piped up about the way you feel at that gestation

Why is he inviting people without checking with you first?

Will he do everything? So all the cleaning/making the beds/cooking/hosting? If not you are going to have to go to a hotel. Otherwise you’ll make yourself ill.

I wouldn’t let this happen.

Your DH sounds like an absolute twat, tbh.

I had my DC early, one at 35 weeks. I was in and out of hospital from 28 weeks because of something that's actually quite common - high blood pressure.

Your pregnancy is already causing you issues including low iron and pain. You are consultant-led and you may be induced early. (Or you may not - but the point is, no-one knows yet.)

He's a ridiculous man to be so blasé. So his pals have booked. Well he'll need to tell them he fucked up, and they need to unbook it. And frankly, they shouldn't have accepted.

You will be at work ? Then it's up to him to have everything ready when you come home . And when you feel like it tell them you are going to lie down and disappear. Let them carry on with their drawn out meal . And they can clean up afterwards too.

Does he not care about you and your welfare, and the welfare of your unborn child at all OP?

I think this is a really bad sign as to where you stand in the pecking order in his life.

If his friends are more important to him than you and he won't cancel this visit I agree with pp you should book yourself into a hotel. And you need a serous conversation about the future dynamics of your relationship because his attitude doesn't bode well for the birth .

He can do absolutely everything and don’t feel bad for excusing yourself at any time for a nap. Absolutely no way for people staying so soon after the birth.

Did your husband discuss inviting his best friend and family to stay in May with you before inviting them? Has he discussed friends staying in July with you? If he hasn't, then he's out of order. The house is just as much yours as it is his, and considering he seems to be expecting you to do all the work, he needs to give his head a very big wobble!

As for having people staying within a few weeks after the birth, he's being worryingly naive. Is he going to expect you to look after a newborn, and host, whilst he sits on his arse 'entertaining'??? At this point, neither of you have zero idea how the birth will go, you could need a C-section, you could go into labour early/late.

How much does your husband currently do at home?? Are you working full-time, and then expected to do all the cooking, chores etc?? If that's the case, then don't expect this to change when you have a baby.

As for the best friend and family coming....you need to be honest with your husband. You are already struggling with the pregnancy, you will be further along, and not up to hosting. He will need to take over, that means cooking elaborate meals, cleaning etc. His reaction, will tell you all you need to know, because at the moment he's putting his friends before his wife and unborn child.

Tell DH that you will be moving out into a hotel for that period. When he complains, tell him that he has no business inviting people into your home without your agreement, especially the way your pregnancy is going. As for those July visits, no f*cking way would be my answer.

Fuck that. Hotel. Room service.
I’ve had several kids, so have had to have ‘normal life’ after the first, cooking for and looking after older ones, and still working. However, that’s very different to having people with other small children in your house as guests and having to make adult conversation, let alone in a language you are not familiar with as that is mentally draining, and feel like you need to stay up etc.
Again, fuck that. Hotel. Room service. Let him crack on with everything otherwise.

Quite frankly, I am disgusted at these "guests". You would think that if they had any decency, the last thing they would want is to descend on a heavily pregnant woman's home with their brood for nearly a week. I mean who does that without thinking of others! Are they too bloody mean and tight to pay for their own accommodation, or has DH insisted. I'd kill him if that was the case.

I would take to my bed after some polite chit chat every time they are in the house, and let DH do the hosting. Nothing they can say, you are to be cared for, not driven round the bend entertaining guests at this (or any) stage of your pregnancy.

Why on earth does he think it’s ok to invite people without having a discussion with you first?
I’d be putting my foot down and spelling out loud and clear that you don’t want visitors before or just after the birth. End of. They can stay in a hotel, or he can rent an air B and B and host them there. Selfish arse.

When I'm in Italy, I speak Italian. When I'm in the UK, I speak English. They can be impatient with your "bad" French when you're in their home country, but not when they're in yours. That's just fucking rude.

My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.
Well if he wants this he can shop/cook/host/clear then, can't he?