To not want guests staying at 35 weeks pregnant?

[gratedcheeseandham]

For context, it’s my husband and I’s first child. For context, my husband is French and has a lot of friends still in France.

I’m currently just over 28 weeks pregnant and we have a guest staying with us this week that he hasn’t seen in a couple of years (an old university friend). I’ve never met her, but as I’m off work (Easter holidays and I’m a teacher), I didn’t really have an issue with her staying. I think that has translated to my husband thinking I’m okay for people staying whenever.

The problem is that he has invited his best friend from France, his wife and their two very small children (5 and 2) in the third week of May for five nighs. I’ll be 35/36 weeks at that point. I get on with the couple, but they are definitely more friends with my husband than me. They don’t speak English and aren’t that patient with my semi bad French. I’ll still be at work as I go off on maternity the week after, and to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

My pregnancy has also been quite rough. I had to go and stay in hospital at 26 weeks for an iron transfusion as my iron stores were critically low, I’m consultant led as have a bleeding disorder (unrelated to iron stores) and baby is measuring on the 98th percentile. I’m also on crutches with PGP and feeling a bit like a dog that needs to be put down.

I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward.

I am dreading it. How do I bring this up to my husband? He’s also wanting to invite three couples round in July - a few weeks after giving birth. I think he’s being quite naive.

Mental. But never got beyond 35 weeks myself so could end up being a memorable visit!

For the pre-baby visitors, if he wants to have elaborate meals, he is more than welcome to cook and serve them and clean up after them. You will be in the bath and bed with a nice book.

Post-baby visitors is much worse. You will need your husband to help you with the baby and with the housework and making meals and such. Newborn care is very labor-intensive and if he is hosting other people then you won't have the help you need. You also will be post-partum meaning that your nether regions will take up a lot of your attention. You may also be establishing breastfeeding which means that you will spend a lot of time with your top open or off. You need privacy for this and visitors, staying in the house, would ruin that. Also, they will bring their airport germs into the living space of your vulnerable newborn.

To the post-baby visit(s), I would say, no. It will not be ok if this happens and you will be severely affected. Your marriage will be affected. Your marriage might not recover.

The answer on post-baby guests is no. Make that clear before he goes ahead and invites people for your postpartum period and tells you that you have to have them because he can't rescind the invitation.

YANBU but I think there's lots of cultural differences going on here, which will only become more obvious and irritating when you have kids.

My DH is from a similar country in southern Europe and the attitude to having guests/ hosting etc tends to be more relaxed and go with the flow whereas us Brits are super uptight about privacy and want everything rigidly planned.

It's natural for him to want friends around at this special time in his life although he shouldn't be expecting you to host.

Regarding your 'bad French', I would strongly recommend you learn and master the language if you want your child to be bilingual and also to help get on better with these non English speaking friends of your husband.

I clash a lot with my DH about the cultural differences sometimes but I do speak his language very fluently. I can't imagine being with a partner, having a child and not knowing the other language that we'll. You can never understand another culture without the language

Sorry I think you are both being naive.

Your husband is showing you now, that he is prepared to put other people first. Not you, not the baby. Let him see that will NOT be the case in the future.

Insist he tell his friends that circumstances have changed and he will have to either cancel their visit or they will have to stay in a hotel. Remind him that you and your baby come first. Do not give him the option of cooking, cleaning etc himself, we all know he'll bail on that. It's just no, the stay isn't happening.

I'm sure once his friends are made aware how difficult your pregnancy is they'll understand. He's probably not even mentioned it. He sounds like a selfish, inconsiderate git.

Just to say that - guests issue aside - if you are on crutches with PGP you need to ask your doctor to sign you off. I worked an active job for much too late in a pregnancy with serious PGP and remained in terrible pain and on crutches for many months postpartum. PGP needs rest. Your mat leave will kick in at 36 weeks if you are on pregnancy-related sickness at this point. Good luck.

I think you should book in to a lovely hotel for the duration and relax.

Regarding your 'bad French', I would strongly recommend you learn and master the language if you want your child to be bilingual and also to help get on better with these non English speaking friends of your husband.
I would strongly recommend that these 'friends' stop being rude about the OP trying to speak French to them IN HER HOME IN THE UK.

I’d let him get on with it but apologise to your guests in advance that the pregnancy is tiring you out and so tend to go to bed early.
I don't disagree, except she has nothing to apologise for. 'I'm off to bed now. Thanks for dinner, DH, and night all' is all that's needed.
Although I don't think she should have them to stay with their kid who never gets told no and stays up til midnight.

If he’s going to do all the work in May, seems a decent compromise? All you have to do is be pleasant?

Telling is him saying he misses his friends. He maybe needs these visits for his own mental health more than you realise.

Parenting, relationships… should be about compromise and respecting each others needs, views and approach.

This is a bizarre level of either idiocy or selfishness. Or both.

Does the mum who would be coming to stay know you will be so many weeks pregnant in a difficult pregnancy?! Do you know her well enough to message her if they've stayed with you before?

If he insists on them staying can you stay with a relative or stay in a hotel?
Although while that would help with rest it doesn't help with the fact your baby may well arrive early!

Is he taking the whole time they are here off work? Will he do everything?

I’m still not be happy with the intrusion at that stage of pregnancy.

Honestly I'd rather they visit now than when baby comes. People make more allowances for pregnant women than they do to new mums (which is ridiculous really because having a new born is much more stressful and exhausting than pg.) They won't mind if you go to bed or leave the room, as long as dh understands 100% that he is hosting and you are not. Dh will be hopefully contributing with night feeds and helping run the house when baby gets here, he will have little time for socialising so I'd let him enjoy the time he has left.

No no no, not on. My response would be that I couldn’t care if it’s an awkward conversation with them. I take it he’s doing the invitations prior to your knowledge. It’s incredibly insensitive of him

Sorry, but no. At that stage in your pregnancy you can absolutely lay down the law about guests coming to stay.
(They don’t exactly sound like the easiest of house guests, either. Who specifies exactly where they are going to sleep? Cheeky fuckers)
Yes, it’s his home too but surely both partners should be in full agreement over having guests before invitations are extended in general, and especially under these circumstances ?
They can get an air BnB, they’re not expensive and anyway if cost is an issue they should rethink their plans. Days out in town, fares, meals, snacks, entry tickets and incidentals will all add up. If they can’t afford an Air BnB they can’t afford to come.
If need be, when they arrive waddle to the door, back arched, belly forward with hand resting on it and tell them they cannot stay and will have to find somewhere else. I sincerely hope it doesn’t come to that.
This is very clearly the wrong time and your DH is being a self-centred, copper-bottomed, grade A fathead.

He doesn’t sound naive, he sounds like a selfish prick who thinks he can just “there, there dear ssssh” you into letting him make all the decisions.

And to be frank, he sounds like a fucking idiot.

Dear God - what have you done marrying this jerk AND having a child with him?

Her physical health, which is complicated, takes priority over his missing friends. She has a bleeding disorder, was hospitalized just 2 weeks ago and her husband has a friend staying now and her baby is measuring very large. She's also on crutches and working full time.

How about her mental health? Her husband expects 3 course meals for 6. He's wanting to dismantle the nursery. The kids are up until all hours. He said he wouldn't ask them to leave if she delivers while they're here. Do you think that might send her mental health spiraling?

This guy is frankly too stupid to live. He thinks their home is a hotel for his buds to rock up to anytime. She needs to smash that expectation or get the fuck out because that boy's not right.

Not sure why my earlier post pointing out a blatant gramatical error in a teacher's post was deleted.

I think everybody would reasonably expect a teacher to have a better understanding of English grammar

OP’s husband is failing on all counts! Doubt he will want or be able to host them all the time. I would hate what is a busy and special time to be invaded by people who could put this off for a few months, and perhaps could invite the OP and family later on for a much needed break. As for hubbie missing his friends-hasn’t he made any over here? .

Please say it again, re-phrased perhaps - I’d be interested in knowing what you said.

I don’t think it’s about more relaxed attitude. The circumstances are very different. It’s about being realistic and being unrealistic. They are the last weeks before baby’s arrival and any sensible person will spend them on preparation to the biggest change in their life not on dismantling the nursery.

I think he needs to stop hankering over his friends and take on board he is about to become a father and he needs to be storing up his own strength to get him through the first few months of not sleeping instead of entertaining guests with unruly children who’s parents have no control over them.

If he misses his friends that much then he needs to move back to France.

If he is putting his friends wants over his wife’s then at least it is coming out now where her and the baby stand in order of who he prioritizes

I can see these parents and children being a nightmare in the house. I hope you have a lock on your bedroom door and you are prepared to have the nursery walls crayoned on or worse as the parents seem incapable of saying no to them.

He is in for one heck of a shock when the baby arrives - his life is about the change forever and he needs to get used to the fact life isn't quite that simple anymore!