To not want guests staying at 35 weeks pregnant?

[gratedcheeseandham]

For context, it’s my husband and I’s first child. For context, my husband is French and has a lot of friends still in France.

I’m currently just over 28 weeks pregnant and we have a guest staying with us this week that he hasn’t seen in a couple of years (an old university friend). I’ve never met her, but as I’m off work (Easter holidays and I’m a teacher), I didn’t really have an issue with her staying. I think that has translated to my husband thinking I’m okay for people staying whenever.

The problem is that he has invited his best friend from France, his wife and their two very small children (5 and 2) in the third week of May for five nighs. I’ll be 35/36 weeks at that point. I get on with the couple, but they are definitely more friends with my husband than me. They don’t speak English and aren’t that patient with my semi bad French. I’ll still be at work as I go off on maternity the week after, and to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

My pregnancy has also been quite rough. I had to go and stay in hospital at 26 weeks for an iron transfusion as my iron stores were critically low, I’m consultant led as have a bleeding disorder (unrelated to iron stores) and baby is measuring on the 98th percentile. I’m also on crutches with PGP and feeling a bit like a dog that needs to be put down.

I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward.

I am dreading it. How do I bring this up to my husband? He’s also wanting to invite three couples round in July - a few weeks after giving birth. I think he’s being quite naive.

I thought the same. And posters going on about getting dh to host and op resting seem to think it's easy to relax with a house full of guests, even if you don't raise a finger. which most women would feel extremely uncomfortable with. And right now all that matters is the OP's comfort.

Say to him slowly, clearly, and multiple times:
Tu es un idiot irréfléchi, sans cœur et absolument ignoble, et c'est toi qui fais toute la cuisine.

if he’s French, does he also have unrealistic expectations of maternity care when you actually have the baby? Maybe he’s labouring under the illusion that you’ll get a nice rest and be looked after in hospital after the birth, as in France with nice food, lots of help with the baby and a laser focus on making sure mum gets a good night’s sleep to heal! If only .,,,,

Does he realise he may have to do all your aftercare or care of the baby?

Tell him you’ll be in bed and he’s doing all the meals and all the hosting.
easy knowing he has never been pregnant 🫠if it was me I’d move into my mums or a hotel until they were gone

I just had a conversation with him as he got off the phone with said friends who wanted to be taken to London everyday (!). We live about 35 mins by train to Waterloo, for context.

The guests all want to sleep in one room on air mattresses and travel cots, and husband’s bright idea was to move all of the nursery furniture (changing table, chest of drawers and wardrobe, the big cot won’t be done until the baby is born as baby will be sleeping in our room) into his very small home office AND to move this by emptying all the contents out. I said absolutely not and he needs to tell them that one parent can sleep with one child in the nursery and one in the home office on air mattresses.

I also asked what if I go into labour whilst they are there and he said ‘he’ll text them and they can just stay there’ and I went BALLISTIC and said that he would need to tell them to GTFO immediately. I also said that he would be preparing all meals, cleaning etc and I would be asleep.

I am baffled to think that he wants to dismantle a whole nursery at 36 weeks pregnant to accommodate these people. I am also quite hurt they didn’t seem to be a slightest bit concerned about my welfare and want to go to bloody M&M world.

Regarding July, I said absolutely not. If his friends want to come to England for a holiday and have a drop in visit on MY terms then obviously they can, but in no ways would I (or him, meaning I would be solo parenting anyway) be hosting less than a month after birth.

You are growing his child in your belly!! He should be taking the utmost care of you and doing everything he can for you, not making your life even harder.
He's sending a clear message that you're going to take the hit OP. Your life is going to get harder and his life will get easier because you'll be too incapacitated and busy to stop him doing whatever he likes.
Another horrible selfish bastard man🤬

Dh’s best mate and his wife are due their 3rd baby next month, so she’s about 35 weeks now. And he’s not even allowed to meet anyone for a pint at this stage. 😂

He's putting his mates before his wife and his child.
He's going to carry on living his life as one of the lads while you do all the unpaid drudge work and make all the sacrifices 🤬
If he doesn't change his tune I would have a solid plan ready to divorce this c* and take him for every penny he's got.
Keep a log of everything that happens, just in case.

@gratedcheeseandham this gets better and better! Is he normally so stupid and tone deaf? Is he that mental he thought it would be “nice” for the guests to be strewn round your house, when you return back to the house after giving birth?!

They've already booked and he didn't consult you? Why?

YANBU for not wanting to host. Husband is selfish

Pretty clearcut to me. His friends, he takes on all hosting duties, any cooking, and of course clearing up is on him. He might also have to take them out for the day over the weekend. And yes, you will need to rest. Make sure that when you are on show you are all sweetness and light and very friendly - so no criticism can be made. But be very clear you must rest. FYI, in France many women are put on bed rest towards the end (much more common than in england), so that probably won't surprise the friends!
As to anything after the birth - I would absolutely veto that. Neither of you know what you will be like, and what the baby will be like. That is very naive. You can start organising things when you get your bearings. But, be warned that culturally the french are very different with their children than the english, generally more relaxed (I say this as someone who is half french) and much less baby-centric (the baby fits around the parents). Strongly recommend reading 'French Children don't Throw Food', as it's a very accurate depiction, and will give you an idea. So not surprised he is planning holidays etc with all the families and kids together. But definitely veto that for now, especially as he is your first.

Huge mistake having a child with such a selfish manchild.
God help you.
Have you any family nearby?
Pack up and move.
He doesn't care a whit for you.
If you were my daughter I would be so concerned for you and your future.
Good men fo not behave like this.

You clearly are the skivvy in his eyes.
Huge mistake marrying him.
I'm so sorry, but wake up.

They sound awful! What selfish people descending on you and making demands at this stage in your pregnancy. Honestly I’d be telling DH to tell them to stay elsewhere or I’d divorce him. And I’d mean it.

I wouldn’t even entertain the July visits. Put a stop to all this nonsense.

First post nails it, as often happens on here.

He can do this fancy, 'elaborate' 3 course meal for his intolerant French pals himself.

As this poster says ^ book 2 or 3 nights in a hotel and take yourself off there.

I am gobsmacked at the cheek of him. No WAY would I have tolerated this at nearly full term in my pregnancy. Do not put up with this @gratedcheeseandham

You've got some big issues coming your way. He sounds awful.

All of this shit will be 100 times harder after you've given birth.

Stand your ground and good luck.

I wouldn't call it naive, he isn't the one struggling with pregnancy or the one who will be recovering from labour. He won't be affected and he doesn't care that you will be. It's selfish rather than naive.

4% think OP is unreasonable- would they explain to the rest of us why thy they voted that? No way on this earth could OP be regarded as unreasonable!

Give him a reality check whilst his uni friend is here this week. It is your Easter break & you need to rest. He can organise bedding, shopping, cleaning, cooking etc. Every evening after dinner you can take yourself off for a nice soak in the bath and an early night. Meanwhile he cleans up the kitchen & entertains his friend.

When he moans about it you can remind him it'll be a damn sight harder for him hosting a family of 4 with 2 small children. You don't want your nice new nursery wrecked by someone elses kids.

Honestly he sounds like a selfish, inconsiderate pillock.

He is being very unreasonable, except that - he’s living in your country, away from his friends, family, and background. So I think you need to cut him a bit of slack. He may be wanting some old familiar faces around him as he approaches a big change in his life. It’s hard, doing big life changes away from family and friends.

But definitely leave him to do all the hosting. You go to work, come home, eat with your friends, then go to bed. Explain you’re a high risk pregnancy.

People hit the wrong button and don’t correct it, I’m guessing!

So you're in a 3 bed house (or 2.5 bed considering you say the home office is tiny) and having 6 people staying for 5 nights whilst you're heavily pregnant?! I'd be absolutely apoplectic. Can you not go and stay with your family for the duration?

If he absolutely wants people 🙄 over, he can handle EVERY SINGLE THING!!! If it's still too much, either he makes the people leave or you spend your entire maternity leave by your parents. No to the guests in July! Sheesh!

This is too close to your due date. I’m sure your GP and midwife would also caution against it.
If all is well, that stage of pregnancy should be a calm and happy time, with you looking forward to the birth, getting plenty of rest, eating well and as unstressed possible.

and to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

Why would you be hosting? They’re his friends. If he likes these elaborate dinner parties he can do the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.

How do I bring this up to my husband?

Just say it. He’s your husband. Surely you can tell him how you feel?

Op I never would’ve entertained this when so heavily pregnant. It’s just not on. I’m a teacher too and I struggled so much in my last couple of weeks at work before giving birth, I was huge, hot, breathless and exhausted. My boyfriend would never have suggested house guest at this stage but if he did, he would doing all the hosting and everyone would understand I’m shattered. I’d be joining them for some food then heading up for a nice bath and early night.