To not want guests staying at 35 weeks pregnant?

[gratedcheeseandham]

For context, it’s my husband and I’s first child. For context, my husband is French and has a lot of friends still in France.

I’m currently just over 28 weeks pregnant and we have a guest staying with us this week that he hasn’t seen in a couple of years (an old university friend). I’ve never met her, but as I’m off work (Easter holidays and I’m a teacher), I didn’t really have an issue with her staying. I think that has translated to my husband thinking I’m okay for people staying whenever.

The problem is that he has invited his best friend from France, his wife and their two very small children (5 and 2) in the third week of May for five nighs. I’ll be 35/36 weeks at that point. I get on with the couple, but they are definitely more friends with my husband than me. They don’t speak English and aren’t that patient with my semi bad French. I’ll still be at work as I go off on maternity the week after, and to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

My pregnancy has also been quite rough. I had to go and stay in hospital at 26 weeks for an iron transfusion as my iron stores were critically low, I’m consultant led as have a bleeding disorder (unrelated to iron stores) and baby is measuring on the 98th percentile. I’m also on crutches with PGP and feeling a bit like a dog that needs to be put down.

I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward.

I am dreading it. How do I bring this up to my husband? He’s also wanting to invite three couples round in July - a few weeks after giving birth. I think he’s being quite naive.

DH knows he has to host for them, including cleaning and cooking, even if that means making multiple meals as the guests have said their eldest is going through a fussy phase.

Ey?? He’s still expected to cook for them even if they are in a hotel/Air BnB??
I hope he’s cancelled his annual leave as I would be infuriated at a waste of a week of leave when he could have put it at the end of his paternity leave. What an arse

Yes. My mother wanted to buy my first baby a stroller, but wouldn’t choose it until after the birth for this reason.

Edited due to posting twice.

I bet your MIL re-wrote history and she did nothing of the sort. My mum acts like she was / is the toughest and most resilient person -she isn’t and she wasn’t! I remember her having a hysterectomy and being in her bed for weeks after, then being aggrieved people weren’t doing enough for her. I had a c section with my twin pregnancy, within hours l was showering and then caring for twins overnight on my own

I would be concerned that this man's lack of common sense will evolve into a weaponized incompetence strategy designed help him to get out of doing the drudge work.

Very much this.
Also, dramatically clutching your belly and going for a lie down could work.
Then he could bring you some of the amazing food he's cooked.

You really don’t like them, do you? You do realise that, due to Napoleonic law, these ‘multiple properties’ will eventually pass to your husband and any siblings, and thus down to your child?

Are you going to allow your child to embrace their French culture, and facilitate them learning French? I made a real effort to learn my DH’s language, and thus ensure that our child embraces both of his cultures. I also don’t particularly get on with my in-laws, but for my DH’ sake I learned the language and make sure my child has a good relationship with them. Having EU citizenship, and a second language, is such a gift. I do hope so, but your distaste for all things French just drips from you. Actually, French parents can be pretty strict.

Gifts would not be bought before any birth, for superstitious reasons. I myself refused to have anything in the house until 2 weeks beforehand.

I get why you’re upset about the visitors, and can see that you have now settled this issue, but you sound like you’re just spoiling for a fight on the next issue and I can foresee this being one of many more cultural battles you’ll be fighting.

I do like them, of course I do.

I’m grateful that their property will go to my husband and our children - however, there is also three other siblings as well, so not ‘multiple properties’. My parents have their own properties that I will also inherit. And not that it matters but I already have EU citizenship through my heritage, too. Our child will be eligible for 3 different nationalities at birth. So that point is moot.

I am the one pushing for the child to be bilingual, researching French schools, hiring French childminders/nannies. I know how important it is to be able to speak foreign languages, I went to international school myself, speak three languages not including my ‘semi-bad French’ and have lived and worked in three European countries and one in the Americas. I have 0 distaste for all things French, just distaste for rude people.

I agree the gift comment was in bad taste and can see how it comes across grabby. What I am more expecting is that the grandparents show any sort of interest in their first grandchild, and the mother of it, without bashing MY heritage. If you think I have distaste for things French, then they thoroughly detest British people. The first thing they said to me when we met many years ago was ‘we have manners here, unlike English people.’

I love my partner for who he is, I’m glad that it is settled now with the visitors. If anything else crops up I’ll ask for more advice.

They don’t sound like they are very nice to you OP. They’re probably annoyed he married an English girl. I had a French boyfriend once. His mum hated me for no reason and called me ‘that English girl’.
Bon chance!

At least your DH is listening to you in this situation and has spoken to his (rude) friends.

If you think I have distaste for things French, then they thoroughly detest British people. The first thing they said to me when we met many years ago was ‘we have manners here, unlike English people.’
I love my partner for who he is, I’m glad that it is settled now with the visitors. If anything else crops up I’ll ask for more advice.

I think you have bigger problems than a couple of friends visiting if your in laws thoroughly detest British people and actively express this to you.

Though, I am most surprised by all these rude French people you are encountering. My extensive experience with the French has been very different. I also have a child at French school and find them to be very inclusive.

Good that you worked it all out with your DH.

Most of the French people I know are lovely! Even when his parents are what I would deem as rude sometime, and this one friend couple, there are several more that are so accommodating, welcoming and great. We saw two groups of friends over Feb half term with their kids and they were all brilliant. Like in every country, there are people from all walks of life.

Maybe there is some French-style humour that I am lacking!😅

5-6 weeks after birth is better, but is still pajamas all day, breastfeeding on the sofa while trying to eat with one hand and not spill on the baby much of the time.

They better not expect much.

I would ask him if he would be comfortable with his friends seeing my vagina as you are 4 weeks off and could pop at any time...bit melodramatic but er ....it might stop him from being such a twat.

I think this would weaken your argument tbh.

It is not the case of nationality, it is down to the people. My English in-laws were darlings, even after the divorce, however my French in-law-family were terrible. On the other hand DD 1 has lovely French - in-laws even to including me in their family get togethers, however DD3 has a horrendous English -in-laws.

He can do the majority of the hosting cleaning and cooking its your 1st baby and you dont know how it will hit you. I felt like I had been hit by a bus. 2nd and third felt like I could conquer the world. I had a home birth for 3rd DC he was born at 7am my whole family came round to meet him and we did a bbq for 20 people and I felt fantastic. If someone had even suggested me making more than 1 cup of tea with the 1st I would have sobbed.

This is ridiculous. Why would this family of 4 accept your husbands invitation knowing you will be almost full term in your pregnancy. If my family of 4 was invited for 5 nights I would decline understanding this would be too much for the pregnant lady.

Not a chance... You want to be nesting then, not in Making An Effort mode. They need to reschedule, and no visitors in July!

This. He wants the guests. He does it all. Or all the guests help. He cannot expect three course meals etc.

As another poster says your baby could arrive early too!

Yes I agree, you might not want guests with a new baby. However, it depends who they are. If they are guests you know well and will look after you fine. If they are guests (or your husband thinks they are guests) and will be treated that way (that is expect you to look after them), then no way! You’ll likely be pretty emotional and could be all over the place anyway. No way will you have the energy to be looking after anyone the first few weeks or months! It’s likely you’ll be highly sleep deprived (unless you have a one-in-a-thousand baby).

Language seems a problem too. They don’t speak English but get irritated by your French. How awful for you. They should appreciate any effort on your part and not be critical.

For a teacher,that is very poor English. You actually mean YOU will be 35 weeks, it came over as you didn't want guests staying who are 35 weeks!

Naive? He's being a right selfish bastard! Bad enough a couple of weeks before you give birth. But to invite people to stay not long AFTER you've given birth is downright bloody ridiculous. You appear to be having a terrible time right now, never mind the run up to the birth. If he's going to be the one running after HIS guests, preparing, making and serving meals and generally looking after them, it wouldn't be so bad. But on the whole, I think he's bang out of order and you MUST speak to him and set out a few ground rules. Not least no visitors before or just after the birth and crucially to consult YOU before turning your home into an hotel.

Bit of a prat really. Even though French.

I would say you’ve been advised by the midwife or consultant to be on rest from 34/35 weeks onwards due to risk of going into labour’s if you’re working full time as a teacher on feet a lot doing extra work at home and then hosting, cleaning cooking making beds, entertaining etc you’re going to be at risk of early labour or the minimum a lot of pain stress and extra tiredness. It’s your home and if he doesn’t agree to making you comfortable need to have a think about the priorities he had, no way at all will it be suitable for a few days or weeks after you’ve delivered to have visited, you’re sore, bleeding breastfeeding sleep depend upon all hours with a baby crying and needing to be number ones that’s not going to work for entertaining guests. I think he’s completely clueless as first time parent as to how you’re feeling and how labour and birth is going to impact you and his life