To not want guests staying at 35 weeks pregnant?

[gratedcheeseandham]

For context, it’s my husband and I’s first child. For context, my husband is French and has a lot of friends still in France.

I’m currently just over 28 weeks pregnant and we have a guest staying with us this week that he hasn’t seen in a couple of years (an old university friend). I’ve never met her, but as I’m off work (Easter holidays and I’m a teacher), I didn’t really have an issue with her staying. I think that has translated to my husband thinking I’m okay for people staying whenever.

The problem is that he has invited his best friend from France, his wife and their two very small children (5 and 2) in the third week of May for five nighs. I’ll be 35/36 weeks at that point. I get on with the couple, but they are definitely more friends with my husband than me. They don’t speak English and aren’t that patient with my semi bad French. I’ll still be at work as I go off on maternity the week after, and to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

My pregnancy has also been quite rough. I had to go and stay in hospital at 26 weeks for an iron transfusion as my iron stores were critically low, I’m consultant led as have a bleeding disorder (unrelated to iron stores) and baby is measuring on the 98th percentile. I’m also on crutches with PGP and feeling a bit like a dog that needs to be put down.

I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward.

I am dreading it. How do I bring this up to my husband? He’s also wanting to invite three couples round in July - a few weeks after giving birth. I think he’s being quite naive.

Your update suggests to me he really hasn't understood what is about to happen.

If you did have the baby early, you'd come home from hospital and need your own space, and he would need to be looking after you, not them. Does he realise you'll be bleeding and in pain? I agree with the poster who suggests he may not understand what UK postnatal care is like.

If you have to have a section, you won't even be able to lift your own baby for a little while.

He's obviously taken annual leave to do things with his guests, hasn't he? Frankly, I think that is quite selfish when his leave ought to be saved for looking after you! Does he really not get that?

I usually think that a compromise can be met in most situations because the home is owned/rented by both.

However, no way would I be ok with this. I would find the disruption to the nursery I had lovingly prepared, upsetting too.

Clearly the friends have zero consideration towards you OP, it will be part cultural, but this is up to your H to navigate and understand that you should not be hosting anyone right now.

I would have no qualms going to my parents/siblings for these days, or, not engaging at all. Let things be awkward, it is his problem.

I say all this as someone who is most hospitable too, but this is beyond anything reasonable.

That’s a good point. How much annual leave has he taken to spend with these guests? When he should be using that to spend some more time with you when the baby arrives. He is staggeringly selfish.

Your husband sounds like a very uncaring and demanding man
I'm very sorry he is this inconsiderate with your health and feelings

Must be men.

I'd be straight

1. you are NOT having people in the house apart from occasional short visits at that time
2. DH needs to be free and not over the driving limit of alcohol to get you to hospital at the drop of hat at ALL times

If that means his guests can't stay or loose money on things they've booked, that's not your problem.

Gosh, I find my blood boiling on your behalf here, OP!

The man is not listening to you, and needs to start, soon!

poor you, PGP on its own is horrific - never mind the other things you are dealing with.

You must must must listen to your body and advocate for yourself. You are pregnant, not him!

In no uncertain terms, decide what you need (no house guests for a start!) and give him an ultimatum. It’s YOUR body, YOUR health.

You need to stay in a hotel when they come over if they won't

I can't believe there are so many thoughtless, selfish men out there

You need to think very hard about how this is going to be in the future

What did he say when you told him he would be responsible for absolutely EVERYTHING when they come?

I'd definitely go missing

Just seen your last post @gratedcheeseandham

That's actually wild. 😱

Stop the July plans. Say you will only make plans after the baby is born.

You husband can host these friends, but he needs to know he is doing this entirely - making up beds, cooking and cleaning etc he will need to be getting up earlier each morning and maybe have time off work.
If he needs he could start prepping and freezing meals.

Also he mush agree you are able to go to bed early if you wish/ whatever your normal routine is when they are there. Can you ask that if you suggest this, he will not try to persuade you to stay up later he will explain to friends of course you need to rest and 100% back you.

He's insane or ignorant or he cares nothing for you. You need to go nuclear over this. This is just ignorant and extremely disrespectful and rude. His expectations are nuts.

He invited 4 people to stay at yours when you're 35 weeks without discussing it with you? And how nuts are they to agree to flop at his place when you're going to be so far along.

What if the baby is early? What if your current health issues get worse or new ones develop.

I'd be staying with my parents while they were here. I would tell them that his invite to them has driven you out of your own home. Make it awkward. They know this is not a horrible time to visit but they don't care so fuck them.

This is the time when you're in the last stretch of getting things ready for the baby. You don't have that. This is when you need to decrease your stress.

Tell your husband your home is not a full service hotel for his buddies and he cannot invite friends to stay without checking in with you first. No, his friends can't come a few weeks after birth. You need time to recover and bond with baby, not be his servant and show off his baby to his friends.

Your husband is a trash husband.

So what has he said in response?

He sounds unhinged, as do they!

I appreciate maybe cultural differences etc but surely nobody thinks this is a great idea?!

They are lucky you are nice, as I wouldn’t want any guests sleeping in the nicely prepared nursery so close to the birth, let alone dismantling it. Hasn’t he heard of nesting FFS!

Also they need to be warned to have a solid back up plan should you have baby early as you will not want them there as you come home from hospital. Either that or they reschedule.

Your husband is being an arse!

How much of the bed making, cleaning and three course dinner making will he do?

I wouldn’t have anyone staying in my house who was intolerant of my efforts to speak their language-that’s just rude. I’d tell him that if he brings friends to stay, I will be going to stay somewhere else.

What is wrong with him?! I’d be going apeshit about all of this, especially guests being at home while you give birth. No fucking way.

You should NOT be putting furniture up and down at 35+ weeks. I was very gung ho with my pregnancy, went to a conference at 35 weeks pregnant, lots of train travel - it was really painful and triggered a lot of what I thought were Braxton hicks. Now I've been through labour, I know that some of them were true contractions, and I did go in to labour at 37 weeks. If your baby is measuring big and keeps that way, that also impacts you by the end. I know since women are fixing the roof at 39 weeks, but I think they are the exemption. You don't know how you will feel, and you need to look after yourself.

Basically tell your husband to change his plans. He is being totally unreasonable.

He’s being very blasé about everything. Saying everything will be fine, not to stress. I stressed that I won’t be able to do anything, he said that it’s fine and he will sort it.

He’s taking 5 days annual leave over these two guest periods - he’s taking 2 weeks paternity leave but works 100% from home so thinks that he will be more help than not. Hence all of this him being naive! We’re the last of his friends to have a child and I’m unsure of what his friends must’ve been saying to them.

I don’t want to parent bash either but the guests coming (?) in May have a very different parenting style to me (and my husband, we’ve discussed it lots). They are very child led, won’t say no, kids go to bed when they want. We’ve been there lots of times where the 4 yo stays up until midnight. I know there’s cultural differences etc and on the continent they go to bed later, but surely that’s taking the mick.

The more I muse over it the more I’m annoyed. Husband says he will take care of everything, and he is true to his word, but as others have pointed out I feel like it’s prioritising his friends over me.

He has said he feels lonely and misses his friends, and at least if they come here he can go if there’s a problem. I get being away from his friends but I don’t think he’s quite aware of how much sacrifice he’s about to make with a baby on the way.

This is bonkers.
I'm 7 weeks postpartum. At 1 week pp i couldn’t get out of bed. For 6 weeks my dh was helping me daily to inject bloodthinners and apply medihoney to my incision while I stood half naked in our kitchen! We just had our last hv visit a few days ago. 5 weeks pp I was still bleeding and waddling around in maternity pads. All this time I've been sleeping into late morning since I'm up so much in the night, and dh has to take care of everything, including making up bottles and bringing me water.
Not trying to scare you OP, having a sweet baby is lovely & SO worth it, but it sounds like your bloke could do with a good scare!

Another Twat prioritising his friends, over his Wife and family.

I’d let him get on with it but apologise to your guests in advance that the pregnancy is tiring you out and so tend to go to bed early.

Get home from work, socialise for a bit whilst you eat the food DH has cooked and then go up to bed.
Have a nice relaxing bath every evening and read a book and have an early night.

If DH is so desperate to have them there then he can’t expect you to need to be there the entire time.

If your baby is measuring so big, ask your doc or midwife how likely you are to make it to term.

I would not stay with a husband this selfish. He's showed himself as dumb, selfish, and uncaring.

Complete strangers in NYC were kinder and more caring to me when I was pregnant than your husband is to you in your own home.

Well with dinner parties every night and kids that stay up until midnight (and we all know how quiet kids that age will be) even if OP disappears upstairs it won’t be quiet and peaceful will it? I was was exhausted at that stage. It would be my idea of hell and would not happen.

I also think he's either massively naive or massively selfish. Or maybe both.

You have no way of knowing now how you'll feel at 35 weeks. I travelled two hours by train to a work conference at that point with my first - I'd planned it months before, thinking it would all be fine - and it was really tough. People looked at me like I was a lunatic and rightly so. And I had a very uncomplicated pregnancy and felt pretty well until very close to the end.

Are you parents close enough to your hospital that you could stay with them for a few days to get some rest during this period, if it's proving a lot to have a house full of people? Does your DH know that he can't be gallivanting more than an hour away with these friends? And can't drink enough to put him over the limit if he's your ride to hospital?

The husband is appallingly selfish and insensitive, but the guests should take it upon themselves postpone the trip. It is selfish of them to expect to visit at this time knowing OP’s situation.

I'd be raging that he wants to dismantle the nursery at 35 weeks pregnant. Getting a nursery ready for baby is such a special time and your DH wants to undo all of that. There is no way I would want people crashing in my baby's nursery. He's a selfish twat! They need to stay in a hotel or an air BnB. End of.