To not want guests staying at 35 weeks pregnant?

[gratedcheeseandham]

For context, it’s my husband and I’s first child. For context, my husband is French and has a lot of friends still in France.

I’m currently just over 28 weeks pregnant and we have a guest staying with us this week that he hasn’t seen in a couple of years (an old university friend). I’ve never met her, but as I’m off work (Easter holidays and I’m a teacher), I didn’t really have an issue with her staying. I think that has translated to my husband thinking I’m okay for people staying whenever.

The problem is that he has invited his best friend from France, his wife and their two very small children (5 and 2) in the third week of May for five nighs. I’ll be 35/36 weeks at that point. I get on with the couple, but they are definitely more friends with my husband than me. They don’t speak English and aren’t that patient with my semi bad French. I’ll still be at work as I go off on maternity the week after, and to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

My pregnancy has also been quite rough. I had to go and stay in hospital at 26 weeks for an iron transfusion as my iron stores were critically low, I’m consultant led as have a bleeding disorder (unrelated to iron stores) and baby is measuring on the 98th percentile. I’m also on crutches with PGP and feeling a bit like a dog that needs to be put down.

I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward.

I am dreading it. How do I bring this up to my husband? He’s also wanting to invite three couples round in July - a few weeks after giving birth. I think he’s being quite naive.

You and your well-being, and that of your baby should be his primary concern, but it isn't.

He's not a good man, not a good husband.
You have likely made a mistake marrying him.

At least now you are seeing him more clearly.

Screw his friends and his family.
You need to be ruthless in not tolerating any futher selfishness or bullshit from him.

Prepare yourself for the relationship not lasting because of his selfishness.

You deserve so much better.
In the interim, don't be diplomatic, law down the law and mind yourself.
Go and stay with your family if you are not being treated well by him.

Don't disagree with the post above. I have 3 kids and honestly I would have been fine to have guests staying over when I has 8 months pregnant - as long as I wasn't doing the hosting and could stay chatting on the sofa whilst DH cooked, and retire early with a book... Honestly it's just a few days, and they will be out of the way during the day anyway if they are going off to London - you could even suggest to DH that they all stay out there and go out to dinner on one of the evenings, since they are relaxed about their kids bedtime it might not be a problem!
If I was the friends, and had booked a trip on the basis of being invited to stay with friends, and now had to foot the bill for accomodation which I hadn't planned (on the basis of which I might not have booked the trip), I wouldn't be very impressed! Which is not going to help relations between you and DH's friends.

Sod the incessant 'cultural' needs of your DH - keep putting your foot down if you don't like something.

My DH is also french and I live in France. I totally understand all the long meals etc, and I can't imagine doing all that pregnant as well. As a couple, we don't host often and it suits both of us.

As a Brit living in the french culture, I get that your DH misses french life and friends, but I'd say don't let him play his expat/I live abroad card all the time - you have needs too.

Also, beware that in France women tend to go back to work 3 months after giving birth (I know?!), so his entourage might start knocking then... Good on you for your semi bad french as well!

Fuck no. I mean, what if you go into early labour and they're sitting in the house when you come home with your newborn. You can't make any significant plans after 34 weeks.

I am usually like your husband so I get it but for a change my husband decided to host a friend the weekend before I gave birth to my first one. I was already 39 weeks and that guy left the night before my 40 weeks. I was not super happy having him but husband did all the cooking, cleaning etc and his friend knew that if I go to labour he will need to go to a hotel suddenly and he was happy with it. So maybe have an honest conversation with the couple that if you are unwell they should be flexible to book a hotel last minute?

I would tell him that this is your home too and you don’t feel comfortable with a family coming to stay this late into your pregnancy. It’s not too late, they can stay elsewhere. People are obviously using your home as a free hotel. This would make me very cross. Stand your ground

That’s nice for you, but it’s not what the OP wants.

Did you read the part where they are not very patient with her French and don’t speak English? So not sure how much lounging around on the sofa chatting to them she will be doing.

It’s different when it’s close friends (though I’d still hate hosting at that stage in pregnancy). Everyone is different but most people would not like this.

And do we really think he is going to do everything? I doubt it. All the meals, clearing up? All the shopping beforehand? All the laundry? Make the beds? Strip the beds after and wash all that? Picking them up and driving them around? Every cup of tea? Every breakfast?

And even if he does, the OP has a right to peace and quiet and a rest after work at this stage in pregnancy.

"I think everybody would reasonably expect a teacher to have a better understanding of English grammar"

I have to agree.

And as for the husband - he really hasn't a clue how things may be has he.
Not the first man like that.

"I think everybody would reasonably expect a teacher to have a better understanding of English grammar"
I have to agree.
WTF does it matter? Get a life.

With friends like that, who needs enemies. Who on earth thinks it’s right to expect free accommodation and start expecting extra meals for a fussy child and demanding lifts into the city? If we stayed with friends, as we did, I took more than enough foods to make up for our stay..usually a deer and a couple of big salmon as mains and anything the kids might want. I’d make meals while there, help clear up and muck in with everything the women did, while my OH helped with the ‘man’ things. We tried to make our visits a benefit to the hosts, not a burden. So we’d get invited back 😎🤣

They won’t stay in the house, but I still think they will be expecting food etc.
Well, they can expect away, can't they.
Or your DH can sort it all.

This.

Use your voice to tell him. He may not read our comments on MN. Assuming you haven't already discussed this with him and has just presumed its ok. Good communication is vital when you have children

I have absolutely no words.

You simply refuse to do anything for his guests and let him do it. But the fact that he’s putting his friends over your needs isn’t good already.

My husband is French and also does supid shit like this. He invited his mum and sister for a week, 3 weeks after our baby was born and was expecting me to take them out to resturants and host, when I hadn't even taken the baby out by myself yet. It was hell and I eneded up havign a breakdown one evening and telling him to tell them they had to leave. You just need to be strict with him.

I’m glad it’s not just mine who seems to be a bit dim, then. I’ve read all the French parenting books and I didn’t recall any of them saying the baby needs to be paraded around a few weeks after. I know they are a lot more laissez faire about parenting in some aspects, which might be where these expectations come from, however there has to be a cut off at some point!

Luckily, he seems to have changed his tune. I hope in August when his family comes (which could, if baby is on time or late, only be 5-6 weeks after birth) they aren’t expecting to be wined and dined in restaurants. DH has already warned his mother (the self declared queen of the family) has ideas about babies/parenting that even DH has had to say no to!

By the way, did his family ever help out with any costs for their grandchild? I don’t know if this is another cultural difference - my parents and grandparents have bought quite a lot of stuff for the child (travel set, clothes, books, monitor) whereas his parents haven’t even sent a card..!

I’m not expecting them to give anything and don’t want to seem ungrateful or that they ‘need’ to give a gift for the baby, but it’s not like they are struggling financially with their multiple properties (that they say are so much better than anything in England…lol).

You are expecting a card for being pregnant? Wait until the baby is here, I’m sure his parents will bring a gift

You’re probably right, I was being perhaps a bit selfish or overdramatic there. They probably will bring something over which will be welcomed; they just haven’t asked if there is anything we need or want. They also never ask about me, only about DH and the baby. When I was in hospital for the iron transfusion, they didn’t even ask about it, instead saying that I was probably only eating chocolate, I will get diabetes (I haven’t, I had my GD test last week) and that’s why he is measuring big, despite there being no correlation between the low iron and him being huge that I’m aware of!

I think this whole situation + pregnancy hormones has made me quite defensive, really!

I don’t even think I’ve ever seen a pregnancy congrats card?

I haven’t, but I wouldn’t be surprised..cards are a rip off and they won’t miss an occasion if they can think of one to make a card for .

On a side note re:parents giving things for the baby...

For my first grandchildren I was quite poor so my help was mostly practical - having the baby overnight so mum and dad could have an evening to themselves once a month, lifts to get shopping, half a day childcare when they were old enough to go to nursery, childcare over part of half term and a week in the summer holidays when they were at school. (I had to use my own annual leave for that) My last grandchild lives a long way away so I bought some equipment and buy clothes in the sales and stuff like that. Only 'play' clothes as his parents like to choose the nice clothes themselves.

they didn’t even ask about it, instead saying that I was probably only eating chocolate, I will get diabetes (I haven’t, I had my GD test last week) and that’s why he is measuring big, despite there being no correlation between the low iron and him being huge that I’m aware of!

What twats they sound. I don't think you're being defensive but responding appropriately.

I'm sure you know, but in case not and in case it shuts them up, my understanding is that gestational diabetes is primarily to do with the way the placenta functions, and that has to do with the paternal contribution. So, if you did get it, it's not the chocolate, it's their son!

I hope you have briefed your DH on this and insisted that he corrects these stupid dismissive comments OP.

They do not sound like people who would be remotely helpful staying in your home when you've had a newborn.

I had a long difficult labour. I still remember my MIL saying dismissively the morning I eventually arrived home; "I was at the sink washing up the minute I got home!" because I didn't jump up and rush around after them and continuing critical comments and put downs until they thankfully left.

So I think you need to work out a plan for their visit with your DH that you can live with. You are already having a difficult pregnancy and you don't need thoughtless people making things harder for you.

This. They will buy when the baby is here. There is an element of bad luck/ tempting fate to give before the baby is born. I have heard this from several older people.