To not want guests staying at 35 weeks pregnant?

[gratedcheeseandham]

For context, it’s my husband and I’s first child. For context, my husband is French and has a lot of friends still in France.

I’m currently just over 28 weeks pregnant and we have a guest staying with us this week that he hasn’t seen in a couple of years (an old university friend). I’ve never met her, but as I’m off work (Easter holidays and I’m a teacher), I didn’t really have an issue with her staying. I think that has translated to my husband thinking I’m okay for people staying whenever.

The problem is that he has invited his best friend from France, his wife and their two very small children (5 and 2) in the third week of May for five nighs. I’ll be 35/36 weeks at that point. I get on with the couple, but they are definitely more friends with my husband than me. They don’t speak English and aren’t that patient with my semi bad French. I’ll still be at work as I go off on maternity the week after, and to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

My pregnancy has also been quite rough. I had to go and stay in hospital at 26 weeks for an iron transfusion as my iron stores were critically low, I’m consultant led as have a bleeding disorder (unrelated to iron stores) and baby is measuring on the 98th percentile. I’m also on crutches with PGP and feeling a bit like a dog that needs to be put down.

I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward.

I am dreading it. How do I bring this up to my husband? He’s also wanting to invite three couples round in July - a few weeks after giving birth. I think he’s being quite naive.

Well your DH is a bit of a selfish arsehole isn't he?

His life hasn't changed at all yet but his lack of concern and care towards his wife who is already struggling, is telling.

I had a textbook pregnancy with DC1 and felt amazing throughout but like fuck would I have wanted guests when I was in my last few weeks. I worked until 37w but it was just an office job, nothing as full on as teaching.

A few questions.

1. I assume he'll be doing all the cooking and hosting and all the associated labour that goes with having guests?
2. I assume you're usually easy going with guests but would he usually consult you before he invites multiple guests for several days?
3. Had you explicitly told him before be booked the May guests that you want to ease up on visitors?
4. How has he reacted now he knows how you feel?
5. Are the people in July expecting to stay or will they just be day visitors? Is he wanting to host them all at the same time or at different times? Does he acknowledge that you have no idea how visitor ready you will be at this point and does he accept that he needs to manage this for you?

I couldn't live with someone who had an open house policy / didn't consult me prior to inviting people to stay for periods of time but I'm guessing this is the norm and you've been fine with it in the past @gratedcheeseandham ? What is important us how your DH reacts now you've told him it's no longer okay.

He should be putting your wants and needs (as well as your physical and mental health) above everything else and it doesn't sound like he is doing this currently.

Yes, this.☝️

Your husband is an idiot for not putting you (and his family) first.
How odd.
For context, I'm Czech. Different mentalities, this visit wouldn't even be thought about under your circumstances.

As it's his responsibility to do all the cooking cleaning, planning, shopping and entertaining his friends that he invited, I'd be poking my nose in the living room to say hi and going for a lie down.

I'd emerge for dinner, then watch a bit of telly or have another kip.

Just opt out. Difficult pregnancies are knackering.

I mean, you've got to hope the post's a piss take, haven't you?

Although my ExH's selfish behaviour during pregnancy is one of the reasons he's an Ex, so it's likely not. There really are such arsehole people (with arsehole friends and families) out there.

He can have all the elaborate meals he wants so long as he's doing all the organising, shopping, cooking and cleaning. I agree with pp go stay with a relative or friend. He's a selfish twat already, it doesn't bode well for the future.

@gratedcheeseandham if he didn't inform you and agreed to them coming without even discussing it with you then YANBU.

If you had the opportunity to say no and you didn't then you'll have to suck it up and go with the flow.

Obviously your DH will be doing the hosting and cooking so make it clear that you will just be putting your feet up.

Who is this pathetic woman who has two young kids of her own, doing this to another woman???

op you need to make a big bloody fuss at this. If ever there was a wrong time it’s now. And I would be absolutely furious if anyone stayed in my baby’s nursery which I’m presuming you’ll have cleaned and waiting for your baby.

screw culture and traditions. You’re on crutches! I feel sorry for you. He doesn’t really care about you does he?

urgh I am so mad for you. I don’t get replies where pps are saying ‘ok they can come and husband can crack on with everything’, that’s already letting the boundary cross and we know he’ll fail and rope in OP. OP is first child and wants the privacy of her own home, nor does she want to go to a hotel. And why should she?!

also the fact that the guests are not patient with you on a good day with your language and you’ll be 35 weeks pregnant. They sound awful and the stress of being a host might cause early pregnancy stress.

I’d stand firm and husband can work it out in his own separate apartment and you can discuss your future if you think there is one.

Also I’d be sending the guests an arsey message on Facebook or text if you have them on your contact list because they’re not your friends are they? Let’s be honest.

Op husband and I both come from cultures where family and friends are huge and often come and stay with lots of food and entertainment etc
having said that husband wouldn’t dream
of having anyone over that late into my pregnancy it’s honestly bonkers.

Let them come as it is arranged. You do nothing apart from eating and resting. Make it crystal clear he is not to ever arrange this without consulting you. Also absolutely no to the people coming in July you will
be in the postpartum trenches and trust me you do not want guests other than perhaps your own mum for support.

Like fuck could I be arsed with this shit, pregnant or not.

Hosting guests is actually what sent me in to labour both times!

We had guests for the weekend and I find I walk, stand a lot more when hosting (I'm not a lazy person normally but I rarely sit down at all when hosting) on both occasions my waters broke 4 hours after they left! At 36 weeks, both times!

I think my body saw the hosting as a sort of nesting. When I sat down at the end, the nesting was done and my body was like "she's ready for the baby now"

Might be totally coincidental but weird it happened both times.

Baby could be potentially born at 35 weeks! Tell him he does all the hosting or they’re to book a hotel. Sound like CFs i couldn’t imagine inviting myself to someones home for a week when there that far gone!

I just wanted to reiterate what everyone else is saying for effect. He does EVERYTHING for his guests. You come home, rest in your room and pop in for dinner then go back to resting. If you can’t sleep due to noise, book yourself into a hotel. If going and staying with mum for the period is an option, do it!
I would also ask him what his plan B is in case baby comes early.
Then going forwards, he does not invite guests without clearing it with you first.

Tell him you are so looking forward to the elaborate meals HE will be cooking and to HIM doing all the housework and hosting, because you are heavily pregnant, anaemia, tired and in pain, and won't be lifting a fucking finger. And mean it!

He is a selfish clueless twit.

Tell him either his friends stay in a hotel or you will be. He’s being completely unreasonable.

I agree you need to lay out very clear boundaries here. I'd be reminding him very clearly that this is your home too so he should have communicated with you if he wants to invite people to stay. I'd also be asking him if baby comes early what will they do and how will you get the nursery set up if they're in it?

I'd be laying it absolutely bare with him that you are wrecked and struggling as it is so he's welcome to host but you will not be lifting a finger and will be going to bed early. No cooking, no cleaning, no shopping, no making beds or preparing, no entertaining. You will be suiting yourself.

Yes it's awkward now that they've booked, but that's entirely his own doing so it's on him to resolve. I'd be raging if my husband arranged people to stay without talking to me about it first even without a pregnancy to consider. I'd also be clarifying to him that his role at the minute is to look after you and prioritise your needs while you do something very physically difficult growing his child.

You should stay in a hotel if they won’t!

He’s also wanting to invite three couples round in July - a few weeks after giving birth. I think he’s being quite naive.

You very clearly tell him no now before he makes plans then he can’t use the excuse they’ve already booked.
If he refuses to cancel the guests staying with you when your 35 weeks I’d (tbh id take myself off to a hotel!) but if you stick around for it I’d make it so clear if he wants elaborate dinners he can shop and host them

Bit thick your partner isn't he? Or completely thoughtless. Who in their right mind would think that having a complete family come to visit for an entire week when their partner is 8 months pregnant ( give or take) is a good idea.

Not least if they aren't going to do everything.

If the baby hasn't arrived by then, I would leave. Can you go and stay with parents, sister/siblings, best friend? Staying in a hotel on your own will be miserable and staying at home will be worse.

Absolutely postpone the July visits. The children will be noisy and demanding because they are 2 and 5 and on a different routine. It's all very well people saying take to your bed and leave him to it ...... How likely is that to happen? Leave a note in French for the parents, wrap small token gifts for the kids, then go and stay with someone you love for those few days. I must say though, I am stunned that parents of two young ones would descend on an expectant parents 35 weeks in.

Either they say in hotel or you do .
I'm usually quite a get in with it your only pregnant kinda of responder but given the circumstances he's taking the absolute piss .

to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

YOU don’t………

I would be telling DH to find them an airb&b and he can host them there (or you can find one just for yourself and say you’re working away).

Failing that then I would sit back and enjoy being a guest if DH is so desperate to play host.

I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward.

@gratedcheeseandham he doesn't care about making things awkward for you though does he, only cares about the inconvenience to his mates.

I would be insisting that they stay in a hotel. Your dh needs to start putting you first. There's no way I would be putting up with this at 35 weeks pregnant.