Wedding Aftermath

[Greenhairedmonstor]

I have been mulling on this for a week. I only want opinions as I don’t know what to think and I am not going to say anything to anybody.

DH, my step-children 13 and 17 and I were invited to a wedding on DH’s side.

My children 9 and 12 weren’t.

While I don’t blame groom and while my children have their own father and I have lots of childcare I felt weird about going to a family wedding without my children so I decided not to go,

My husband however, contacted the groom and very generously they invited my children however when we got to the reception my children were on a different table. They were on a table together about four tables away from me, with two couples and a baby. They were pleasant people.

My daughter kept coming over to me and a waitress asked her politely to sit down as they were going to bring out the main course.

My husband asked my stepson to swap seats but he refused and my sister-in-law was quite sarcastic. I didn’t know what to do so finally I swapped seats with my own son.

My stepchildren appeared to be annoyed by this.

What would you have done?

It’s not a family wedding for your family though? You were going because you are married to your husband and it’s his family wedding. You should have arranged childcare as you mentioned that was possible and gone without your children. Why would kids want to go to a wedding anyway?

I wouldn't have brought my children, as they are not related to DH side of the family. You don't even say what relation they are, like cousin, etc.? I imagine that must have been very uncomfortable for your children seeing all this extended family who are not related to them.

I would have saved my daughter the discomfort and let her go to her dad's, so really, you behaved selfishly.

Making a big damn fuss, of your own doing, over nothing.

It was weird to take your kids.

Surprised at these comments.

If you're going to relent and invite children, obviously they need to be seated with their parent. No 9 and 12 year old would be happy on a table of people they don't know

If the stepson wanted to, he would have offered.

If my dad had tried to do this to me, even at 17, I'd be pissed off. Tell your bloody wife to move, not me grrrr!

Surely they could just chat to each other?

There would be loads of people there that aren’t related to the B & G

Gosh this website

Usually you’re all telling the OP to stand her ground and not attend the wedding unless her kids are invited as they’re either all family or not at all.

make your minds up

This I’m afraid. Weddings are expensive and the B&G invited people they knew. They don’t know your children. It was incredibly rude to insist they went.

You should’ve stayed at home or sorted a babysitter for the younger two.

Your husband has become six people, which is fine in real life but makes for a bloody expensive wedding guest.

If your children are old enough to sit on a table alone, I don’t see the issue. You pretty much forced the couple to invite them and what do you expect to change the whole sitting arrangement that very likely for you? If the kids were very young, then i would be annoyed with the couple. Asking your step kids to change seats is not fair.

Sorry, when you marry someone, don’t you see them or class them as your family now?

Yeah I think it's bad to split a family up, putting children on a table without you. I don't think you're unreasonable switching with your son to comfort your daughter. I feel for them being placed on a table with strangers whilst looking at you across the room.

I would have done the same op. You did nothing wrong. Don’t beat yourself up. You was there for your child and you shouldn’t be made to feel bad about that.

Planning a wedding is really stressful. There’s a lot to think about. Your own children were probably accidentally skipped over in the original invites. I’d like to think the bride and groom didn’t intentionally make the seating arrangement awkward for your family. They’ve probably been up to their eyeballs in stress and haven’t fully considered every individual. You did the best you could in the situation and I’m sure nobody else is even thinking about it. I wouldn’t worry.

Your step chikdren were asked in their own right, you were effectively your husband’s plus 1. Agree with others that your DH shouldn’t have wangled an invitation for your DC.

Just a bit of an awkward situation for everyone. If I had been the bride and groom I would have said your children were welcome but they couldn't put you all on the same table, was that okay? And then you could have graciously declined the invite. If they did it passive aggressively then that that was out of order.

I would try not to dwell on it too much, because blended families always have an element of this about them, and at the end of the day it's your family dynamic so your issue to resolve. But use it to inform how you handle things next time (because there will definitely be a next time).

I can’t believe you brought your kids honestly. You knew they are shy, you knew they weren’t really invited and you knew it was a strange ask of your husband to put you in this situation. I would have either sent regrets or let your children spend time with their own family.

If your daughter can’t cope without you, you should have swapped round immediately and not waited for a member of staff to get fed up. Nothing to do with the teenagers at all and I’m shocked they were asked to accommodate any of this.

I’ve lost count of the number of threads where an OP who is a step mum is chastised for not ensuring that her own family accept her step kids as part of the family, and include them in family events. Seems that step dads are not held to the same standard if the replies here are anything to go by.

YABU.
You should have just used the "lots of childcare" you have available, or asked their Dad to have your dc for the day, and gone to the wedding you were invited to as your dh's wife.
You have created the situation by putting your dh in the position of feeling he had to put pressure on the groom, who for some reason relented and invited your dc.
Despite causing all that fuss to get them there, you then created further fuss by moving seating at the Reception.

Why did your children have to go? You shouldn't have forced the groom to invite them. How weird!

Don’t be daft. She wasn’t being ‘there for her child’, she was making a point that she wasn’t sitting with her children by causing a bigger problem than there needed to be.

She took them in to a situation that they were not able to manage. A wedding with people who they didn’t know. Her child was repeatedly getting in the way of people trying to do their job and her mother didn’t do anything about it, yet again putting the child into a position that she shouldn’t have been in. She should have said something like ‘stay at your table with your brother until the plates have been cleared away and then I’ll come over and see what you thought about the lamb’. But she let her wander about until someone else had to tell her to sit down. That’s not ‘being there for your child’. It’s putting your child in an unnecessary situation.

Christ @TMFF . Yes really.

At nine I would have felt uncomfortable sitting with just my sister and a load of strangers I didn't know at a wedding.

Have you never in your life felt uncomfortable with strangers?

I’m extremely ancient and I wouldn’t have wanted to be sitting with strangers at a wedding.

I have read some more posts now

a) The OP didn't "throw a tantrum" about her children not being invited
b) The lack of empathy from so many posters who can't remember what it was like being a child and feeling unconfident and uncomfortable with strangers is depressing and lacking in empathy