Wedding Aftermath

[Greenhairedmonstor]

I have been mulling on this for a week. I only want opinions as I don’t know what to think and I am not going to say anything to anybody.

DH, my step-children 13 and 17 and I were invited to a wedding on DH’s side.

My children 9 and 12 weren’t.

While I don’t blame groom and while my children have their own father and I have lots of childcare I felt weird about going to a family wedding without my children so I decided not to go,

My husband however, contacted the groom and very generously they invited my children however when we got to the reception my children were on a different table. They were on a table together about four tables away from me, with two couples and a baby. They were pleasant people.

My daughter kept coming over to me and a waitress asked her politely to sit down as they were going to bring out the main course.

My husband asked my stepson to swap seats but he refused and my sister-in-law was quite sarcastic. I didn’t know what to do so finally I swapped seats with my own son.

My stepchildren appeared to be annoyed by this.

What would you have done?

I suspect she could be a shy child and being sat with people you don't know can be a little overwhelming. Hopefully it was all fine once mum had swapped 😊

YANBU.
Absolutely the entire family should have been invited if your children live with you and your DH.
Absolutely you were not unreasonable to turn down the invitation.
The B&G were nice to find space and it was perhaps difficult to accommodate your DC on the same table. Would perhaps have been better to split you with DH and the SC on one table and you and your DC on another. There are many 9, 12 and older children you would have felt uncomfortable on a table with strangers.
SC was asked and refused - nothing wrong with either of those things.
You went to sit with DD. All solved. No problem. Nothing for anyone to get testy about.

No she didn’t throw a strop, she was well within her rights to decline the invitation.

and her child wasn’t playing up

I think you and your DC should have stayed away. It didn't work. There's a lesson here.

I voted YABU because you should have just gone to the wedding and not done a "If my children can't go, neither can I" scenario. Your children do not have to do everything you do and go everywhere you go. They would have been fine not going and it sounds like they would have been happier.

I would have backed up the wait staff.

Your daughter needed to sit down or food might have been spilt on her.

My 9 year old wouldn’t cope well on a table with strangers away from me either. In fact I don’t think a lot of his peers tbh.

You were right to swap your older son so you could sit with the youngest child. Little bit unreasonable to ask step child to move.

Placing them away from you shouldn’t have happening really!

That's what she was going to do until DH got the DC an invitation. A nice thing to do but didn't work out so well.
After that OP would have felt obliged to go.

I would have said thank you so much for the invite - but I wouldn't have gone. They had to pay for and fit in 2 extra people in order for you to be there, and I doubt your DC enjoyed it much either.

Yabu to think they should be invited to the wedding of your husband’s friend/family member and to decide you wouldn’t go if they weren’t invited. However having made the choice to invite them, it was strange to sit them on a completely different table.

So you think the op was oblivious to her husband asking the groom and was "shocked" when 2 extra invites appeared out of the blue.

Not true - I declined a child free wedding as we had a 1yo - DH's mum kicked up a fuss and got my invited with child - I still said thanks but no. They didn't want my child there and I respect that.

Perhaps you haven't read all the OP's posts?

She told her DH she didn't want go as her kids weren't invited, he took it upon himself to ask the groom if he could extend the invitation to her kids as well, groom agreed. At that point the groom should have rearranged the seating so that her two weren't sat with people they didn't know. Either accommodate them with goid grace ur say no. Don't two step kids away from the rest of their family. It's no wonder the 9yo felt uncomfortable.

anyway, telling your own DH you don't want to go if your kids aren't invited is not having a mini tantrum.

I think by you marrying DH your children should now be considered family and is have been upset they were excluded. I think a 9 year old is too young to be expected to sit with strangers. Did your children want to go?

anyway, telling your own DH you don't want to go if your kids aren't invited is not having a mini tantrum.

I don't agree, I also don't think her kids need to go everywhere with their mum and step dad,

It's definitely a mini tantrum.

Hence the reason he felt the need to ring and get them invited.

Gosh, your definition of a mini tantrum is interesting!

I'm not quite sure why you couldn't have went without your children. It's odd your husband made the bride/groom feel awkward enough to (most likely) feel forced to invite them. Though I didn't have any children at my wedding!

Yes. I see that. I think I would still have declined the invite for the kids though for fear of looing grabby. Now the OP has the worst of both worlds.

It's embarrassing when your spouse refuses to attend a family wedding with you so I expect her DH was trying to avoid looking like a chump because his wife wouldn't attend the wedding with him.

It’s mean to seat your DC away from you. I definitely can’t be bothered to make polite conversation with strangers at a wedding and I certainly wouldn’t expect children to be put in that position.

It's an invitation not a summons, she's free to prefer not to attend. I wouldn't expect anyone to invite my son to a wedding but I'd consider not attending if it meant spending most of the weekend without him. It's not a strip, it's just preferring his company.

Well we can agree to disagree 😊 and I've already said it wouldn't have bothered me that they weren't invited.

As you are married the whole family should have been invited as your children are your DH’s step children. When your children were invited you should have all been sat on the same table, it was strange to separate the children, this was a thoughtless error on behalf on whoever did the table plan.

I think you were right to say that you didn’t want to go in the first place. Your DH was right to stand up for you and your DC and speak to the groom about it. The groom should have warned you about the table plans in advance although maybe he didn’t know as these things are usually done by the Mother of the Bride and the Bride. It was nothing to do with the step children and they had no right to comment.

It’s done now, I would let it go and move on.

I mean, it’s not a tantrum, OP certainly didn’t ask her husband to contact the groom’

she was not obligated to go to the wedding. Although I would have accepted the invite and been glad I had trusted people to look after the children.