Fed up with friend's dog

[Sally20099]

I’m utterly fed up with one of my friends always bringing her dog to our house. Whether she’s dropping in for a 1hr coffee or her full family come around for a couple of hours she always brings her dog. Everyone knows I am not a dog person; it is not a secret. I have two cats who I have to lock away in another room as they are indoor cats, I have to move all the cat food and cat trays as well. They spend the entire time terrified of the barking and hide under the bed. The house is not decorated for dogs - expensive carpet throughout. The dog is left alone all day while they are at work / school and has a walker visit. It can wait on its own for a couple of hours if they go somewhere that isn’t set up for dogs and they aren’t welcome. I love their company and the our eldest is best friends with their daughter but I am sick of the complete lack of bother about my preferences on this. Im not asking them to leave their children at home, it’s a stupid dog FFS. I obviously could be explicit and say don’t bring your dog, but I know she will get really upset - she’s one of these people who think her dog should be able to go into any pub, hotel, park area etc. it’s driving me nuts that she’s so dismissive of my feelings and would rather inconvenience me over herself / dog.

Just tell her NO DOG.

You really have to tell your friend that she can’t bring her dog into your house. It’s so unfair on your cats, who are clearly terrified. I have 3 cats and I can’t imagine allowing this to happen. (Although, I can’t imagine any of my family or friends being so tone deaf.)

If your friend really won’t leave her dog at home, then meet at a cafe maybe?

OP, in an ideal world you friend would ask, and you would umm and aah about the cat and she would read between the lines and not bring her dog.

But your approach has not been ‘polite.’. It has been to mention things but not be clear and direct , and then you get resentful and call her entitled.

Just be clear and direct. That isn’t rude and it’s better than resenting her and moaning about her.

She’s your friend, she is forthright enough to just bring her dog, just be forthright enough to say ‘please don’t’

I would probably ask first also, instead of assuming…

Yes you would ask (so would I and so would many people).

But she doesn’t have the same level of decency- she’s just assumed it’s ok so you need to put her straight and tell her she can’t bring the dog.

By not being clear and direct you are either bring wet in allowing her fig all over your carpets and / or being passive aggressive in hinting and mentioning and then resenting s c moaning.

Omg! 😅 What do they say about assumption?!!! This is the problem with dog owners nowadays. They are simply not proper dog people. They treat their dogs like babies and assume everybody wants their dog in their face as much as the owners do.

I have multiple dogs and I would never ever dream of expecting someone to be fine with even one dog in their house without asking. Absolutely unbelievable!!

Pointing these things out is not saying "DON'T BRING THE DOG!"

You need to be direct. "I'm looking forward to seeing you on X date but I'm afraid you can't bring the dog as it's not fair on my cats. If that's a problem we can meet elsewhere".

Honestly, some dog owners just don't get it and think it's OK to bring their dog everywhere.

This is the crux of the issue!

@Sally20099 absolutely should have said something already but the friend is beyond unreasonable for assuming it would be okay in the first place - as if that is a totally
normal thing to do?

Its very hard to say no to people then they make requests that are so at odds which what you think are normal - you feel blindsided into going along with it.

We won’t have dogs in our house - DH and i
both have allergies and they stink. We had a big falling out with BILs gf about this because apparently it wasn’t obvious that we wouldn’t welcome their new puppy into our home.

It is just so alien to me that this would
even be considered as an option. It’s a pet.

She's upsetting you and your cats, just tell her that. It's your home and you and your pets take priority.
I would never shut my dog away for anyone, but equally I never take him where he's not welcome.
So she gets upset, she'll need to get over it won't she.

Mine was - effectively - when we had a dog. Wood floors. No carpets downstairs, just some rugs that were easy to clean; throws for the sofas etc.

I really don't understand this. I love dogs, and welcome them into my home because I don't have one at the moment. Most people still don't bring them because they're used to the idea that their pet isn't everyone's cup of tea.
When I've had dogs that wouldn't react well to canine visitors, I made it clear that Fido should be left at home. No problem at all. Your priority is the animals living in your own house. Always.

People should not bring their dogs to other people's houses unless the other person specifically invites them to bring them.

@Talkingtomyhouseplants totally agree. We've been dog owners for nearly 50 years. We unfortunately have a booming furbaby generation. Their dogs aren't dogs, they are babies and can do absolutely nothing wrong and should be anywhere, out of control and in everyone's face. The owners have no ability nor intention to train and treat their dogs like dogs. Drives me insane and gives proper dog people a bad name.

As a former dog owner I would never have taken my dog to anyone else's house unless specifically invited to. And there would not have been even the smallest hint from me that I would like to bring the dog. It's just rude to assume that someone else wants your dog in their house.

OP - I'd try to be tactful. Just say something like the cats have been increasingly stressed by the last visits and it's no longer fair on them to have a dog in their house.

How can she be dismissive of your feelings when you haven't told her your feelings?

You don't sound like a friend at all, "it's a stupid dog"-would you like it if someone talked about you or your kids that way? If people choose to make a dog part of their family, then that dog matters to them. Some people are closer to their dog than to their blood relatives.
So I'd just stop seeing this person, if you don't respect her.
I wouldn't take children, adults or any animal round to someone's house without checking first, and lots of children cause far more trouble and mess than dogs, and adults can be worse, but that isn't the point-if they had never caused any trouble, and you spoke about them like that, I'd not want to be friends.

Your problem OP is that you are relying on your friend to enforce your boundary because you don't want to appear rude.
You have dropped hints and your friend appears not to have taken the hint.
I suspect you come across a variation of issues such as these, so as not to appear rude. It probably stresses you out as it would anyone.
Please make a promise to yourself that no matter how uncomfortable it feels, you will begin speaking up for yourself. This is why some people will walk all over you and others wont notice your needs, because you are relying on dropping hints.
It is not rude to say you dont want an animal that doesnt belong to you in your house.

This is such a daft post. She won’t have referred to the dog as ‘stupid’ when speaking to her friend, will she?? She’s said it on here in an anonymous vent.

I like dogs, but I couldn't put up with one that barked all the time. Does she not know how to train/socialise or handle it?
Clearly, pointing out that you have to lock the cats away and don’t like dogs isn't explicit enough for her. You're going to have to say, 'You can't bring the dog any more. The barking and its presence traumatises the cats.'

I've voted YABU because I can't believe anyone could open the door, see a friend with a dog they didn't want in their house and NOT say, 'Oh sorry, Sheila. I've got cats and don't want dogs in the house. You'll need to take Fido home, I'm afraid'.

It sounds like you've repeatedly tolerated this and are getting more and more frustrated. Your solution now is to text/phone her to say briskly, 'I feel awkward saying this, Sheila but my cats are getting older and one of them hasn't been very well. In future please don't bring Fido round here with you - we are making this a dog free zone'.

And ignore any drama. Her wants don't trump your house rules. You can meet somewhere outside your home if she doesn't like it.

I think the reason OP is calling the dog stupid is because she is frustrated with the situation and inside believes that if it weren't for the dog, there would be no problem.
This is not true though OP, because the problem is not the dog, it is your inability to speak up for yourself for fear of upsetting other people.
Your family must come first! Otherwise you are setting an example to everyone that they dont come first and people will naturally take your lead.

Yep, definitely lacking manners.

Who cares what you think? 😂

OP,
I would message your friend exactly this!!

Hi friend,
"You can't bring the dog anymore. The barking and its presence traumatises the cats."
If you feel you want to bring the dog, We will have to meet up outside.
Luckily the weather is improving now so shouldn't be a problem.
Speak soon

No apologies needed. Just this, word for word!