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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my wife and stepson’s wife to attend my daughter’s baby shower?

305 replies

ThamesmeadHammer · 27/03/2026 12:09

To expect my wife to go to my daughter's baby shower?

Wife and I been together for 31 years, both had a child from previous relationships who happen to be the same age.

We decided to leave the UK and move to Italy, along with my stepson, his wife and their baby.

My daughter has been through the wringer trying to get pregnant for years and there was a fear that she may never have a child.
Her step brother - wife's DS - and his wife fell pregnant and had a beautiful baby and all her friends have had babies.

This really knocked the stuffing out of her and affected her mental health.

Thankfully DD fell pregnant and is expecting a girl in a few months. I was absolutely over the moon and was everyone else.

A baby shower has been arranged for her but my wife isn't going nor is my stepsons wife - despite me and my wife flying back a few weeks before.

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

I was really disappointed with my wife, after all she has been a step mum to my daughter.

Haven't confronted my wife over this, I feel outnumbered by her, her son and his wife.

BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships.

OP posts:
Dermatologically · 27/03/2026 12:12

You're missing out something crucial here. Why isn't she going? What was her relationship like with your dd? Forget the stepsons wife, that seems an odd person to focus on.

pinkyredrose · 27/03/2026 12:12

Why would they fly abroad for a baby shower of all things! YABU.

AnnaQuayRules · 27/03/2026 12:14

You're expecting them to fly to the UK for a baby shower??? Seriously?

Presumably from the timeline you've given your DiL has a relatively young baby who she either has to take with her or will have to leave behind. Neither scenario is great given that the trip would presumably need at least a 2 night stay.

I think you and your daughter need to lower your expectations

Arlanymor · 27/03/2026 12:14

I'm sorry for your daughter's struggles - I cannot have children for the record. But baby showers are bloody stupid affairs - I don't go to them because they are a total nonsense, not because I don't care about the mother-to-be or because I can't have kids myself. No one should be forced to go to a (usually) puerile celebration. It's how your wife and your stepson's wife (by the way why is it all of the WOMEN who have to do this?! As I said before, what a nonsense. Just another way to beat the female of the species over the head with expectations) behave once the baby is here that matters. So yes, YABVU. Are you going?!

Fends · 27/03/2026 12:14

I don’t think the step son’s wife is an odd person to focus on. If they’ve been step siblings for over 30 years then she’s the woman’s SIL

Why aren’t they going OP?

Arlanymor · 27/03/2026 12:15

BTW - you can't just add 'BTW' there is more to this and then not say what it is!

HeyThereDelila · 27/03/2026 12:15

If there’s a lot more to the backstory then maybe they don’t get on. It could be six of one, half a dozen of the other situation - you’ve not given enough to go on.

Is your daughter in the UK and the rest of you are in Italy? If so you're being very unreasonable to expect them to fly back again just for a baby shower. A baby shower is not like a wedding.

I’m sorry your daughter has struggled to get pregnant, but this modern attitude of expecting everyone else to buy in to your pregnancy and celebrate every milestone is naff and grabby. I don’t like baby showers and prefer to safely wait until a baby has arrived.

And I say that as a 40 year old Mum of two children, one of whom is a small baby.

You’ve clearly got issues within your family that you’d be better off sorting out in person.

Fends · 27/03/2026 12:16

And I agree, baby showers are a load of cringey bollocks but if it was my SD and she wanted me there then I’d do it for her. Cruel fuckers who would refuse just on principle (and I don’t believe they actually would do that to their own daughters)

GlovedhandsCecilia · 27/03/2026 12:16

I'd want my spouse to share my values on this one and for everyone to come.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 27/03/2026 12:16

You're a man OP, ergo you are automatically wrong for expecting anything from your wife. I suspect if a woman expected her husband of 30+ years to support her re: her child's upcoming birth, he would be called a selfish bastard for choosing not to.

I will say though, I'm not sure how realistic it is to expect your stepson and his wife to attend as it depends on how close he is to his stepsister and they're probably busy with their own baby. Also, you NEED to speak to your wife - it's unreasonable not to ask her reasons.

TMFF · 27/03/2026 12:17

I mean it would really have helped if you'd included the reasons why the 3 of them are refusing to go 🤷‍♂️

JLou08 · 27/03/2026 12:17

Your wife should be there. I don't think your Step sons wife should be expected to go. I also think your DD is being unfair to put this on you, you can't force your wife to do anything, DD shouldn't be taking this out on you.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 27/03/2026 12:18

PumpkinPieAlibi · 27/03/2026 12:16

You're a man OP, ergo you are automatically wrong for expecting anything from your wife. I suspect if a woman expected her husband of 30+ years to support her re: her child's upcoming birth, he would be called a selfish bastard for choosing not to.

I will say though, I'm not sure how realistic it is to expect your stepson and his wife to attend as it depends on how close he is to his stepsister and they're probably busy with their own baby. Also, you NEED to speak to your wife - it's unreasonable not to ask her reasons.

Why do you assume it is a man? I didnt think there was any indication either way. Yes most women are married to men, but more women post here than men do.

isthesolution · 27/03/2026 12:19

Yehhhhhh you are missing a lot out here. Why doesn’t your wife want to go?

ananasfritz · 27/03/2026 12:20

I think it is reasonable for your stepdaughter to ask why her stepmother (your wife) does not want to go visit her along with you if there is not a clear reason. For her stepbrother and SIL it's a little bit different if they have a new baby/small child - your daughter should be able to accept their best wishes and understand why they cannot travel abroad for a baby shower.

Ninerainbows · 27/03/2026 12:20

Depends if you are expecting them all to fly back 3 times - for the baby shower, to meet the baby after birth and then a Christening.

Dartania · 27/03/2026 12:20

You need to give context if you want advice. Like why they’ve elected not go.

I’d do anything to get out of a baby shower. My niece had one and I declined saying, ‘sorry, not my sort of thing’. She was perfectly fine with that. Most people I know think baby showers are just ghastly, no-one should be ‘expected’ to go to one.

Original poster
ThamesmeadHammer · 27/03/2026 12:20

Relationship between wife and my daughter is good, always been supportive while having the issues of not conceiving.

I understand that baby showers ain't everyone's taste but my wife made such a massive effort for my stepsons wife's one.

Wife could fly there and back in a day, and it's about 45 minutes from the airport.

The baby shower means a great deal to my daughter because up to late last year we all assumed, daughter included, that she would never have a child.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 27/03/2026 12:20

You mean they were invited and declined to attend?
Could be practical reasons. There is no baby yet.
Wait for the naming or christening or baby to be born

LegencyMonsters · 27/03/2026 12:20

You need to say what reason they have given for not going ... you still havent given the reason why.
and will any of this 'backstory' be the reason why?

TMFF · 27/03/2026 12:21

ThamesmeadHammer · 27/03/2026 12:20

Relationship between wife and my daughter is good, always been supportive while having the issues of not conceiving.

I understand that baby showers ain't everyone's taste but my wife made such a massive effort for my stepsons wife's one.

Wife could fly there and back in a day, and it's about 45 minutes from the airport.

The baby shower means a great deal to my daughter because up to late last year we all assumed, daughter included, that she would never have a child.

And the reason she gave?

CraftySeal · 27/03/2026 12:21

It entirely depends on the context and the reasons.

When you say your wife and you are flying back a few weeks before the shower, do you mean you'll both be in the UK anyway at the time of the shower?

What is your wife and SDIL's stated reason for not wanting to go, and how was this relayed to your daughter?

Why is your daughter so upset about their absence?

TemporarilyCantDoMyself · 27/03/2026 12:21

This level of crazy expectations over a baby shower, now both children have children stuff like xmas is gonna be WW3, hold on to your hats!

Travel abroad for a baby shower?
All the nopes.

What's the backstory there must be some rhyme or reason for this level of insanity?

LegencyMonsters · 27/03/2026 12:22

You really expect your wife to fly from italy to the UK, there and back in one day to attend a 1 hour baby shower???!!

cestlavielife · 27/03/2026 12:22

Maybe wife realised baby showers are pointless and to save visits to support daughter when she has an actual baby