AIBU to expect my wife and stepson’s wife to attend my daughter’s baby shower?

[ThamesmeadHammer]

To expect my wife to go to my daughter's baby shower?

Wife and I been together for 31 years, both had a child from previous relationships who happen to be the same age.

We decided to leave the UK and move to Italy, along with my stepson, his wife and their baby.

My daughter has been through the wringer trying to get pregnant for years and there was a fear that she may never have a child.
Her step brother - wife's DS - and his wife fell pregnant and had a beautiful baby and all her friends have had babies.

This really knocked the stuffing out of her and affected her mental health.

Thankfully DD fell pregnant and is expecting a girl in a few months. I was absolutely over the moon and was everyone else.

A baby shower has been arranged for her but my wife isn't going nor is my stepsons wife - despite me and my wife flying back a few weeks before.

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

I was really disappointed with my wife, after all she has been a step mum to my daughter.

Haven't confronted my wife over this, I feel outnumbered by her, her son and his wife.

BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships.

It's not unreasonable to WANT your wife/stepson's wife to go, but you can't force other people to do what they choose not to do. Never ends well. What they do is their business, and I'm sure they have their reasons. You and your daughter (imo) should focus on having a happy, healthy baby/grandbaby and stop worrying about what others do or don't do.

It’s a baby shower not a wedding

your daughter is being melodramatic

Sorry but I think that YABVVU . When I had my last baby twenty years ago baby showers were not heard of . They seem to have been imported from the USA in the past few years together with the awful gender reveal parties. You could not drag me to one !

Totally agree! I will never attend another baby/wedding shower ever. Never had any for myself and never wanted any. Ridiculously materialistic.

You are being very very unreasonable because you used the phrase "fell pregnant" twice and in one case in reference to a man.
(Interthreaduality.)

Interesting responses. If this post was the other way around, everyone would be ranting about how the husband was being unreasonable. I think it’s crap on behalf of your wife and the wider family. Even if DSS etc can’t attend, doesn't stop your wife making an effort. Feels really shitty and unsupportive to be honest and I would be pissed. She gets her son all year around but this is a short flight and a day trip to make an effort when it counts, it should be this hard. Sorry OP I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

I didn't go to my grandchild's baby shower. Sorry. I do live in another country and no way I was flying back for that. If that is 'sad' so be it. I love my grandchild and I love my DIL, but I despise showers. (and believe it or not, nobody was upset with me!)

I definitely agree with you about Baby Showers. They sent to have become really awful competitive events.

Where who ever spends the most presents is seen to shine above everybody else. So that they can boast.

Going on a 2 day trip to attend one of these events is above and beyond the call of duty. And simply ridiculous.

I can understand how she felt hurt by this in response to what you've just said. However it doesn't mean they don't care, just the usual cringe at baby showers, but yes your wife could make an effort, must be a reason she's not that maybe runs deeper. Ot does seem as there is more going on that what you presented. Xx

Baby showers are a new made up thing as far as I’m concerned. Can’t understand why anyone would have one much less get this worked up about people not wanting to fly over for one. And bollocks to you for saying it’ll take half a day. Fuck off will it.

I don't go to showers. It's like you are tempting fate.

I will happily give a gift to the mother and babe after the safe arrival. In the rare case the baby didn't live, I've given something to the Mother for her recovery and a donation to a child charity in memorium.

"I'm like do whatever you want - doesn't matter what I say"

@ThamesmeadHammer So, you've made no attempt to resolve or diffuse the situation, you just thought best hop onto mumsnet and bitch about your wife? Is that it?

What the fuck is a "baby shower"?

I was going to ask this too.

If she didn’t go to that baby shower then she’s more than a bit unreasonable expecting them to attend hers.

My daughter didn't want a baby shower but her friend arranged a surprise one for her. It was more of a party really, her friend had invited men as well, there was her partner and her honoury uncles plus friends partners. She actually had a really good time but there was none of the usual baby shower games apart from a quiz her friend had done.

I'm team wife here as well. Expecting someone to fly abroad just to go to a baby shower is unreasonable, especially if your wife will see her stepdaughter a few weeks beforehand.

@ThamesmeadHammer Can't she take her out for afternoon tea or do something else to treat her then?

I wouldn’t go to a baby shower if it required taking a flight, unless it was for my own child, and even then I’d be 🙄, because it’s just a baby shower. It’s crazy that you would expect this of your wife and her DIL.

If it was so important why did you dd not check in about when you were already coming to the UK and plan to baby shower around. It's misaligned when it found have been arranged at the same time. I agree with your wife in would not travel abroad for a baby shower only especially a few weeks after already being there

Ah the "do what you want, it doesn't matter what I say" gem. Do all men do this?

Have you said "it is really important to me and my daughter that you come. I get that its inconvenient, but can you push the boat out this time for an extra trip?" Because thats more honest and straight forward.

Finally, the bottom line is, YOU will be there, with bells on, to support your daughter. Everything else is just a bonus.

You tell your wife "do whatever you want" and are then surprised that she does. Your wife obviously doesn't think baby showers are important enough to travel overseas for, so wants to spend time with your DD a couple of weeks earlier when its more convenient. Is it your DD or you who is most upset by this and why? I think the truth is in the back story, which we don't know.

So your grabby daughter is throwing a party before the baby is even born in order to secure an extra round of presents prior to the inevitable presents when the baby arrives. It is inexplicable to me why anybody would attend such an event. I just cannot fathom the amount of presents/monetary gifts that some people now expect for ordinary life events.

Oh course they don’t need to fly back for a baby shower.

For goodness sake.

Presumably she's not throwing the party for herself! But OP hasn't said who is throwing the shower.

Surely if your daughter wanted them at the baby shower she would arrange it for when her stepmum is in the country. It is crazy expecting her and her dil to fly over and back in a day for a babyshower. Your daughter is being the pregnant version of a Bridezilla. Have a back bone and tell her to get over herself. Her struggles to get pregnant is not an excuse.

It’s a baby shower for gods sake. Thinking way too much into it. Lots of people really don’t like baby showers, they are very needy and self indulgent but thats not what you are asking. Not up to anyone else if someone goes, only the person invited gets to choose if they wish to attend or not, not you or anyone else. Why would anyone want to pressure someone to attend a social event they don’t want to go to.