AIBU to expect my wife and stepson’s wife to attend my daughter’s baby shower?

[ThamesmeadHammer]

To expect my wife to go to my daughter's baby shower?

Wife and I been together for 31 years, both had a child from previous relationships who happen to be the same age.

We decided to leave the UK and move to Italy, along with my stepson, his wife and their baby.

My daughter has been through the wringer trying to get pregnant for years and there was a fear that she may never have a child.
Her step brother - wife's DS - and his wife fell pregnant and had a beautiful baby and all her friends have had babies.

This really knocked the stuffing out of her and affected her mental health.

Thankfully DD fell pregnant and is expecting a girl in a few months. I was absolutely over the moon and was everyone else.

A baby shower has been arranged for her but my wife isn't going nor is my stepsons wife - despite me and my wife flying back a few weeks before.

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

I was really disappointed with my wife, after all she has been a step mum to my daughter.

Haven't confronted my wife over this, I feel outnumbered by her, her son and his wife.

BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships.

How did you work out the 'instagrammable fuss'?

I wouldn't fly abroad for a baby shower. I didn't even have a baby shower, that's how little I think of them. I would probably come over to meet the actual baby relatively soon after it's born.

Baby showers….never had one, never arranged one, never been to one & never will!
I see them as something very common, very money grabbing and a total waste of time when I could be watching paint dry!

Wife is flying back with me a few weeks before to see her father and check on him. I have some business to attend to at the same time.
Wife said it makes sense to celebrate with my daughter a few weeks before rather than fly back for the day as per the baby shower

This is perfectly reasonable, OP. You and your daughter are being ridiculous.

Baby showers are a lot of self indulgent, imported American bollocks. No one should ever be blamed for not buying into this crap. To expect someone to travel abroad for one is even more ridiculous. However you've not stated your wife's reason for not attending. Do you actually know why?

Why not just celebrate once the baby is actually born?

Edited to say, I've just seen your update where your wife has given a perfectly valid reason for her non attendance and will be seeing your DD when back in the country only a few weeks earlier. This makes your attitude even more ridiculous. It therefore seems you value her showing up in some sort of purely performative sense.

I wouldn't fly abroad for a baby shower either. Feel there is a mighty drip feed coming.

Where I live in Europe it's considered unlucky to celebrate the coming of a baby before it's safely there. It's the birth that is celebrated, no presents beforehand.

It's only a baby shower. Yes if in the same country attend but to fly especially would seem ott. I presume she made a big fuss of her dils shower as you all live in the same country so obviously it's easier?

You expect two women to fly to another country for a baby shower? That's nuts. It's bad enough having to go to nonsensical baby showers if they are down the road from you.

Presumably you and your wife intend to visit when the baby is born? That would be more important.

I also don't understand why this is all going through you.

If your daughter's relationship with your wife is close enough that she is so upset by the prospect of her not being at her shower, why can't she talk to her directly about it to explain how much she wants her to be there?

I don't see how going through you and telling you to "insist" makes any sense in this context.

"just flopping about like a PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE wet lettuce in the middle of everyone is pathetic."

I think flying back to the UK just after a visit is a bit much to expect. Can your wife not do something nice with your DD whilst she's there- take her out for lunch or afternoon tea for example- and give her a nice gift?

I wouldnt go to a baby shower even if I didnt have to fly to another country

Daughter can hold one, its not obligation to attend one.

Italy to the UK? Yes of course, it can be done in a day no problem. Although I’m sure I’d stay over a couple of nights. Last time I flew to Milan it cost £45 return, hardly a big deal. Even if I was secretly eye rolling at the baby shower nonsense I’d be there for any child of mine if I could!

The wife has offered to celebrate when she's there but the OP's daughter is still sulking.

I don't think you can expect them to go but you are not unreasonable to be upset/disappointed that they aren't going - after all it clearly means a lot to your daughter and I would feel as you do.

It's a shame that they cannot make the effort, given all that she has been through. Is it possible you could re-arrange the business trip so that you go once around the baby shower time and your wife sees her father then as well?

You wouldn’t go to a baby shower for your own child/grandchild. Sad.

Well it does kind of make sense to celebrate with your daughter while your wife is already there - how is she planning to celebrate?

I think probably she made a big deal out of her daughter in law’s pregnancy because that is her son’s child, and she expects you to be the one to make a big deal out of your daughter’s pregnancy because it’s your daughter’s child

Does she need a reason. I thought no is a complete sentence on here!

I wouldnt go either.

I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" .

Interested enough to go to the effort of starting a thread though 🤔.
As a PP said, the pass ag is strong here!

I don’t know why you’re giving stepson’s wife a hard time unless you think she’s the reason that your wife won’t travel? Is your wife from Italy where baby showers are not the norm?

Baby showers are an American party that has crept into English culture in the last decade or so because of social media influences. Assuming no financial issues, I’d rather visit the baby after the birth rather than attend a baby shower. You mentioned that your dd organised one for her SIL? Did SIL want one or did dd volunteer? Just because she attended SIL’s party, it doesn’t mean that SIL owes your dd her presence. It’s f you volunteer to organise an event, it should be done with no strings attached.

Your dd isn’t unreasonable to be disappointed that you haven’t spoken to your wife to find out why she won’t travel. Eg Does she have work or financial issues?

It sounds like you have your head in the sand (unlike your stepson who is defending his mum) when things are about to get more and more complicated. For example will you spend Christmases in Italy?

So doing the maths you must have moved to Italy when your daughter was quite young. So the step siblings didn’t grow up together or anything. So sounds totally insane for someone to fly abroad for a step siblings shower (husband’s step sibling at that). Your wife is totally right that you can celebrate before.

I am American and I didn’t have a baby shower for what it’s worth. It’s considered terribly bad luck in my culture so I have only been to one and it was anxiety inducing for me. I wouldn’t fly anywhere to attend another (though I guess if my daughter has kids and a baby shower I might. Though I’d be incredibly surprised twice over!)

I have no idea why anyone is upset about any of this.

If it means that much to your dd then she can arrange the baby shower for when you're over there rather than expect someone to fly from a different country to attend a crappy baby shower.

That's a huge ask.

It sounds like there's some jealousy there and she wants your wife to prove her baby means as much to her as her biological grandchild by making a huge gesture like flying especially to attend.

Your wife isn't wrong here.

If your daughter was so bothered about your wife being there, why didn’t she plan it for when you are already going to be visiting? Why does she expect her to have the additional expense of having to travel a few weeks later because your princess daughter thinks the world should revolve around her?

No idea why you are getting hung up on your DIL going - if she has a young baby, it’s not feasible for her to nip over anyway. She may not have the money for it too. You haven’t said whether your daughter attended her baby shower - I’m going to guess not as it was “too painful”, but to you that’s completely different and shouldn’t stop your DIL from going for what’s likely to be an expensive few hours.

How would you feel if it were all the men expected to do this running around? I’m assuming it’s only an issue because it’s the women who are expected to go - if YOU were expected to go and didn’t want to or couldn’t then you wouldn’t go.

By the way, you can’t just say there’s a back story. You either need to share it, or at least give the crux (eg the daughter & daughter in law now hate each other due to a family fall out if you don’t want to say what the fall out was). The back story can very, very easily tip it from unreasonable to reasonable and vice versa.

I wouldnt fly overseas to attend a baby shower. Its not even a real thing. Weird that you think your wife should.

I don’t get out of bed for baby showers, gender reveals or hens - let alone fly to another country for one. That would be a hell no from me.