AIBU to expect my wife and stepson’s wife to attend my daughter’s baby shower?

[ThamesmeadHammer]

To expect my wife to go to my daughter's baby shower?

Wife and I been together for 31 years, both had a child from previous relationships who happen to be the same age.

We decided to leave the UK and move to Italy, along with my stepson, his wife and their baby.

My daughter has been through the wringer trying to get pregnant for years and there was a fear that she may never have a child.
Her step brother - wife's DS - and his wife fell pregnant and had a beautiful baby and all her friends have had babies.

This really knocked the stuffing out of her and affected her mental health.

Thankfully DD fell pregnant and is expecting a girl in a few months. I was absolutely over the moon and was everyone else.

A baby shower has been arranged for her but my wife isn't going nor is my stepsons wife - despite me and my wife flying back a few weeks before.

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

I was really disappointed with my wife, after all she has been a step mum to my daughter.

Haven't confronted my wife over this, I feel outnumbered by her, her son and his wife.

BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships.

Baby showers are a bit pointless IMO. It would be better to wait until the baby's born and then travel to the UK to meet them.

Flying somewhere for a baby shower is totally ridiculous. Of course they’re not going. If your DD has had such trouble conceiving, and has had a torrid time, she should have a bit of perspective about the things that matter, and the things that really really don’t. Like baby showers

How did your daughter react to your wife’s son’s news and wife’s pregnancy?

So the reasons for not going were? And the backstory?

100%. This party isn't a big deal at all. The arrival of the baby is the big deal.

And by the way baby showers are not important, what's important is the BABY. How people are in regard to the baby will be significant, not the freaking shower.

You expect your wife, and your stepson's wife, who has a young child, to fly to another country to go to your daughter's baby shower? And your daughter thinks you should "insist" they go?

That's nuts.

Waaay, waaaaay, waaaaaay over the top expectations. Rein it in.

Do you get a baby shower may be nice, but it's a frivolous extra? That people have lives they might not want to put on hold for a baby shower in a whole other country? The costs alone makes it a stupid idea. There's the time involved.

I noticed you and your daughter have exempted stepson from your wildly unreasonable expectations.

Wife is flying back with me a few weeks before to see her father and check on him. I have some business to attend to at the same time.

Wife said it makes sense to celebrate with my daughter a few weeks before rather than fly back for the day as per the baby shower

Again, I'm like do whatever you want - doesn't matter what I say

Your wife would make a effort for her sons wife baby shower.... they live in the same country!!

Lots of people still only have women and girls at their baby showers.

Your wife speaks sense and now you sound like a child.

YABU to expect anyone to attend anything and then bear a grudge if they decline.
To quote a MN classic, it's an invitation, not a summons.

Fucking hell 🤣 it’s Italy not Australia.

It sounds like this woman has made a big old instagrammable fuss of her DIL for her baby shower and cba to go to her SD of over 30 years.

Even though it is a load of nonsense, you’d do it for your SD surely? Especially if you’d recently done it for your DIL?

I think this makes sense.

And you'll be going anyway, so it's not like there'll be no family at all at the shower.

But babyshowers are a weird american import that were never part of British culture - most people don't have them. A lot of people who are invited to them will politely decline. If someone has bought into the whole concept of babyshowers and has had them themselves and attended them for people who are close to them, then yes it may be problematic for them to refuse one IF the one they are refusing is something they could reasonably get to. But flying to another COUNTRY for a babyshower is madness.

Would you fly abroad for it?

I have to say I agree with your wife, and I think it's crazy to expect someone to fly internationally for a short party. Baby showers are not that big a deal, the real event is when the actual baby arrives, and meeting the baby then, supporting the mother etc.

Your wife proposed celebrating with your daughter when you're there in previous weeks, which seems the perfect solution. Your daughter still gets made a fuss of and celebrated with over this baby that means such a lot. And surely there will be plenty of people at her shower? Is there an issue with her own mum not being able to go, or her not having many family/friends to invite or something?

Are you expecting them all to fly to another country for a baby shower?
If so, no, sorry you're in the wrong. That's too much for a party. It doesn't mean they aren't happy for her or don't want to celebrate but it's not reasonable to get upset about people not attending a baby shower in a country they don't live in.

If you're flying to the UK a few weeks before I'm absolutely Team Wife. Makes much more sense just to visit your daughter and celebrate then rather than making two separate trips.

Did your daughter go to her step sibling’s wife’s baby shower? I feel like this is probably a big part of the back story we’re not getting.

You and your wife can go out and celebrate with your daughter when you both fly over earlier, I can’t see what is wrong with that. You need to nip this in the bud, just because your daughter took a long time to conceive doesn’t mean she gets to play up and try to force people to go to her baby shower.

Did your daughter go to your stepsons wife's baby shower?

Haven't confronted my wife over this, I feel outnumbered by her, her son and his wife.

I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested"

Why are you acting like this? You are interested, so why pretend not to be? The grown up thing to do would be to communicate that it has upset your DD and it would mean a lot to both of you if she would go.

Oh hang on - Reversey McReverseface? I suspect...😂

I think YABU for not standing up to your wife. Baby showers are a load of rubbish but this is a kind gesture to her stepchildren. It's not like she's going to have a hundred baby showers is it? I'd be pissed off too if I was your DD, because it suggests your wife does not value her. It's lazy and selfish for something that means so much to your DD. You are just trying to go for an easy life- have some backbone. If you don't agree with your DD's position that's one thing, but just flopping about like a wet lettuce in the middle of everyone is pathetic.