AIBU to expect my wife and stepson’s wife to attend my daughter’s baby shower?

[ThamesmeadHammer]

To expect my wife to go to my daughter's baby shower?

Wife and I been together for 31 years, both had a child from previous relationships who happen to be the same age.

We decided to leave the UK and move to Italy, along with my stepson, his wife and their baby.

My daughter has been through the wringer trying to get pregnant for years and there was a fear that she may never have a child.
Her step brother - wife's DS - and his wife fell pregnant and had a beautiful baby and all her friends have had babies.

This really knocked the stuffing out of her and affected her mental health.

Thankfully DD fell pregnant and is expecting a girl in a few months. I was absolutely over the moon and was everyone else.

A baby shower has been arranged for her but my wife isn't going nor is my stepsons wife - despite me and my wife flying back a few weeks before.

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

I was really disappointed with my wife, after all she has been a step mum to my daughter.

Haven't confronted my wife over this, I feel outnumbered by her, her son and his wife.

BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships.

I think this is a very wise attitude and one which my family adheres to after a number of still births very close to term or during actual birth. I won't even buy a baby present or card until after they're born as I see it as tempting fate.

Celebrating the birth of a healthy baby is surely the way to go 🙂

This is how I feel. Have you not managed to say to your wife it would mean a lot to my dd and I would really like you to come??

I'm not a fan of baby showers but given that it means so much to your daughter, your wife should go. DIL not so much and presumably has a baby to look after.

Sad that you think that attending some vacuous party is indicative of how someone engages in general with their family.

1. You are being unreasonable because there must be another reason why your wife and step daughter in law are not in a rush to join. But instead of asking them, you're asking strangers on the internet.
2. You are being unreasonable because millions of women have had miscarriages and difficulty conceiving, feared they would never have a baby and then had a miracle. (I'm one.) But that doesn't mean everyone must shower them with gifts and attention. IMO baby showers are slightly awful and spoilt by their very nature. Perhaps your wife agrees.
3. You are being unreasonable because you are taking offence that your little princess - who is an adult - is not being treated in the way you believe she deserves.

I wouldn’t go to a baby shower if it was in my back garden, expecting someone to get on a plane for one is ridiculous. It’s not a wedding.

For the record it took me six years to get pregnant, not at any point did I consider having a baby shower. Almost everyone I know thinks they are cringeworthy and grabby.

Yep. I took a long time to conceive; multiple IVF cycles and several miscarriages. I did not have, nor want, a baby shower. In Italy, they're not a thing. I was incredibly superstitious the whole way through my pregnancy.

Utterly ridiculous to fly back for one day, when you're both there a couple of weeks before.

It sounds like literally the distance people travel for a weekend all the time. Thats not far, when it’s something significant. Which it is to the dd. I didn’t have a baby shower and told all my friends I thought they were ridiculous so no one would throw one for me, but the ops wife isn’t the one having it and its clear it means a lot to the dd and as the wife I’d go .thats what you do for people you care about.

Exactly this.

While what your wife suggests ‘makes sense’ as the most practical option, clearly the issue is that this is really important to your daughter and she’s hurt that your wife isn’t coming. Is that correct? If so, have you communicated this to your wife? While it might not feel overly practical to fly back again for it, surely if it means a lot and would cause hurt to your daughter the inconvenience is worth it? I know baby showers aren’t for everyone, but it seems this has extra meaning to your daughter due to her fertility struggles and that’s fair enough.

I think it’s pointless throwing your hands up in the air with ‘do whatever you want’ - instead have a proper conversation. Explain how much it means to you and your daughter.

As for your step son and daughter in law, I’d be more forgiving for them. They’ve got a young child and travelling for a single event like this is a big ask. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to bow out. Your wife though I think should go for your daughter’s sake and yours. It might not be over practical, it might be viewed as inconvenient, but I think to put yourself out for family occasionally is part of being a family.

ALSO

"My stepson and his wife got pregnant"

Are you quite sure?

You haven't mentioned - are YOU going to this 'baby shower', OP?

Travel time to the airport, then the flight, then another 45 minute journey, then the same on the way back, to go to a baby shower for 2 hours? The length of time is bad enough, what about the expense?

I wouldn't expect someone i love to travel that distance to attend a party, especially when they have offered to celebrate with me a few weeks before.

If you care about someone you don't ask them to put themselves out on a huge scale for a non event to somehow prove they love you.

I don’t get the importance of a baby shower. I didn’t have one for any of my children and I’ve never attended one either, just declined invite.

It is a big ask, it's at least a whole day, depending on flight times, possibly with an overnight, for a pretty pointless event.

If I was your wife I'd visit when the baby arrived, and stay for a while to give support, if the new parents wanted me to.

If I was your stepson's wife, I doubt that I'd be travelling over at all, it doesn't sound like it's a close relationship at all.

I think you need to help your daughter to manage her expectations - her having a baby is huge for her, and very important for grandparents, but for everyone else, it's just nice news.

Did your daughter fly to Italy for you stepson’s wife’s baby shower?

This. Baby showers are made up nonsense. I would not fly to another country for my sister's/best friend's/daughter's shower.

For a wedding, a christening and to meet the baby, of course.

The step son's wife on the other hand need not go to any of the above, if she doesn't want to. She lives overseas, has a young baby and isn't related in any way shape or form.

When you move abroad, there are probably a lot of family and friends you care about back in the UK. It's just not possible to travel back to all of their special events and attend in the same way you would have done if you still lived in the country. You'd be on a plane every month or more.

Your wife could fly there and back in a day as it's 45 mins from the airport? 😐

That sounds like it will be nice for her?!

I live 45 mins away from five airports, doesn't mean it wouldn't be absolutely hellish. I certainly wouldn't do it myself in a day never mind expect someone else to and make it out like it's little to no effort?!

Missed this bit ' Wife is flying back with me a few weeks before to see her father and check on him. I have some business to attend to at the same time.
Wife said it makes sense to celebrate with my daughter a few weeks before rather than fly back for the day as per the baby shower"

That is MORE than enough. She's literally seeing her a few weeks before!

You just can't expect someone to fly to another country to attend a baby shower, sorry.

Presumably you'll all be going there for the christening later anyway.

I'm sorry your DD has been through a difficult period in her life with infertility but that's now over. It does not mean she gets to dictate what family members do around her baby for the rest of her life and the sooner she learns this, the better. Sounds like you have been pandering to her.
It's bizarre drama queen behaviour that she is wanting you to now 'order' your DW to go. Would she take orders from her own DH about what she does with her time?
Hopefully your DW would visit if your DD needed help in some way - but many Brits see baby showers as a silly self-centred fuss, imported from US, and many feel superstitious about buying gifts beforehand - perhaps your DW does too? I would not attend one, full stop, not even for my DD - I'd leave her to it with the friends her own age.

The baby shower means a great deal to my daughter because up to late last year we all assumed, daughter included, that she would never have a child

Okay, but she is having a child, and the birth (and the actual baby) are the really important things, not a tacky and chavvy baby shower.

Not only that, your daughter is a plane journey away. Not one of you is even in the same country as your daughter FFS.

YABU.

You're also leaving out a massive backstory from your OP @ThamesmeadHammer

“Again, I'm like do whatever you want - doesn't matter what I say”

Remarks like this won’t be helpful, makes you sound petulant which isn’t the most grown up way to approach a disagreement.

Very pertinent question.
Did she, @ThamesmeadHammer?