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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my wife and stepson’s wife to attend my daughter’s baby shower?

305 replies

ThamesmeadHammer · 27/03/2026 12:09

To expect my wife to go to my daughter's baby shower?

Wife and I been together for 31 years, both had a child from previous relationships who happen to be the same age.

We decided to leave the UK and move to Italy, along with my stepson, his wife and their baby.

My daughter has been through the wringer trying to get pregnant for years and there was a fear that she may never have a child.
Her step brother - wife's DS - and his wife fell pregnant and had a beautiful baby and all her friends have had babies.

This really knocked the stuffing out of her and affected her mental health.

Thankfully DD fell pregnant and is expecting a girl in a few months. I was absolutely over the moon and was everyone else.

A baby shower has been arranged for her but my wife isn't going nor is my stepsons wife - despite me and my wife flying back a few weeks before.

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

I was really disappointed with my wife, after all she has been a step mum to my daughter.

Haven't confronted my wife over this, I feel outnumbered by her, her son and his wife.

BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships.

OP posts:
CmonBobby · 27/03/2026 13:10

Your wife is being eminently sensible and your daughter sounds extremely childish. Back your wife and tell DD to stop being silly, everyone loves her and supports her but that doesn’t mean they have to fly internationally for a party.

ArtAngel · 27/03/2026 13:12

Well, YOU decided to move abroad with your Wife's son , thereby, in her eyes, abandoning your Dd/ She is probably feeling that her Step brother's wife is now getting priority - as tends to be the case from bio parent to offspring, and when they live in the same country.

Have YOU put any effort into helping her prepare the Baby Shower that is so important to her?

Why didn't you and your wife arrange to fly back at the time of the Shower?

Honestly, Baby Showers are not something people would generally fly to from abroad. A very generous present, flowers and card should be fine. So your dd is being v emotional in her reaction and I suspect it is as much to do with your own abandonment for a woman who does not prioritise her (from her POV) as it is to do with your wife.

Meadowfinch · 27/03/2026 13:13

Honestly, I wouldn't take a day off work for a baby shower, I certainly wouldn't fly internationally for one. Really not my thing so I sympathise with your wife.

Have you talked to your wife? Have you asked her why she doesn't want to go? There is probably a simple reason like she won't know anyone except your dd, and it will be all much younger women. Or she'll just be standing around waiting until she can politely leave.

Ophy83 · 27/03/2026 13:13

Did your DD fly to Italy to attend your DIL's baby shower? If so I can see why she might be a bit disappointed even though logistically it is harder for DIL where she now has young kids to factor in.

Your wife's reasoning is logical. Why does she have to go to the baby shower to spoil your DD? Can you not both take her out for lunch somewhere lovely and then maybe give her some vouchers or go to the nearest John Lewis for her to choose something she needs for the baby?

As an aside I don't know why baby showers need to be all-female affairs. DH and I were both there and our guests included both male and female friends and family members - it sets an expectation that the man is also about to become a parent and will also be using the gifts of changing mat/muslins/changing bag etc!

Onadark · 27/03/2026 13:13

McSpoot · 27/03/2026 13:02

Did your daughter fly to Italy for you stepson’s wife’s baby shower?

This.

Also you say "I understand that baby showers ain't everyone's taste but my wife made such a massive effort for my stepsons wife's one.".

What massive effort did she make for that?

Screamingabdabz · 27/03/2026 13:14

What is the point of this baby shower?

If you’re flying in a few weeks anyway, and then likely to want to visit after the birth, what on earth is the point of attending some unnecessary naff event which involves another flight and another load of hassle?

…Not to mention the environmental costs of unnecessary air travel.

YABU

Changename12 · 27/03/2026 13:14

Ridiculous to fly over to the UK for a baby showered. Your wife is very sensible. Baby showers are not important.

WallaceinAnderland · 27/03/2026 13:14

Baby showers are usually a female only get together for tea and cake and an opportunity for friends to give gifts.

It's a very low key event, lasting a couple of hours or so. I don't know why you would want your wife to fly out there just for that.

There will be plenty of other opportunities for you to be involved so try and put this one into perspective and stop sulking about it.

Calliopespa · 27/03/2026 13:15

A few points OP.

  1. Well done for celebrating with your DD and for understanding this is important to her. No, I'm not a fan of showers myself, but given she is having one, and the very important background context of her fertility struggles, I think it is important that you go and help her celebrate. If we don't celebrate the happy parts of life, it all becomes a bit meaningless.
  2. A lot of posters have said they don't bother going, but this is rather different from an open invitation: you are her parent, you are keen to go, and your wife has been invited as the partner of her parent. And this in the face of struggles your wife must have known about. I think this speaks volumes about your wife - and not in a good way.
  3. Which brings me to my third point, why does your DD even want them there? If someone showed so little interest, I'd go off the idea of having them. I'm presuming you could still go (and would)?
  4. I can only think that with the odd reaction of your wife and then what for me is a slightly odd reaction from your DD to that response, there is masses of backstory here - which we can't really comment on if we don't know.
  5. I think the SIL is a bit irrelevant. She has a young baby, and it's not as if she was popping over the week before like wife is.
  6. Have you made clear to your wife and her DD how upset your DD is? You keep saying you just say "do whatever" but if they think it doesn't matter, that may well change how they act. Not being clear about what people actually would like only ever sets things up for tension and hurt.
Mariooooocart · 27/03/2026 13:15

I love my SIL but I would laugh in her face if she suggested I fly to another country for her baby shower. Baby showers are awful and I show up because I want people to know I care but I will show up for the minimal amount of time.

My best friend lives abroad and I wouldn’t fly over for her baby shower. I’d fly over to see her once she had the baby though.

ReyRey12 · 27/03/2026 13:17

Your wife has offered to celebrate with your daughter when they are in the same country but you and yiur daughter want her to fly from a foreign country for a day to go to a babyshower? That is a a massive expectation.

Will you be flying for the babyshower? Did the daughter fly to Italy for a babyshower?

ItsNotMeEither · 27/03/2026 13:17

I’ve read your posts and it’s not clear to me that you’ve actually told your wife that,

  1. Your daughter is upset and would really like her to attend.

  2. You would also like her to attend and show your daughter support in this way.

Maybe you have made this clear, but to me, it sounds like you’ve gone with too much of the ‘do whatever you want to do’ approach.

LegencyMonsters · 27/03/2026 13:17

Did your daughter attend your wifes son baby shower?

TMFF · 27/03/2026 13:20

VictoriousPunge · 27/03/2026 12:57

ALSO

"My stepson and his wife got pregnant"

Are you quite sure?

I was going to ask which one of them gave birth but thought it best not to 😁

SpryCat · 27/03/2026 13:21

Your DD is being very manipulative saying she is disappointed in you for not standing up to your wife. What she means is she is expecting you to dictate to your wife that she has to go to the baby shower or else DD will cut you all out of her life. That is emotional blackmail, if you don’t do as I dictate you won’t get to see the baby!!!
Your wife has made it quite clear she is happy to celebrate when you are both in the U.K. a few weeks earlier. If your DD is not happy with that then that’s her problem not yours.

Overitallnow · 27/03/2026 13:21

You sound a nightmare

RoachFish · 27/03/2026 13:21

Are you telling us you are a man in your 60s (presumably), using language like a teenager, who has created an account on mumsnet to complan about your wife? Are you sure you are not the DD whose SM doesn't want to make a trip to the UK for your babyshower since she is going to be going there anyway shortly before?

Calliopespa · 27/03/2026 13:23

SpryCat · 27/03/2026 13:21

Your DD is being very manipulative saying she is disappointed in you for not standing up to your wife. What she means is she is expecting you to dictate to your wife that she has to go to the baby shower or else DD will cut you all out of her life. That is emotional blackmail, if you don’t do as I dictate you won’t get to see the baby!!!
Your wife has made it quite clear she is happy to celebrate when you are both in the U.K. a few weeks earlier. If your DD is not happy with that then that’s her problem not yours.

Edited

Has she actually said she will cut them out?

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 27/03/2026 13:23

Where is your dd's mum in all this?

But from your posts, you make zero effort with your wife or person, wife and baby but expect a massive effort from her towards your family. You are being unreasonable for that alone.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 27/03/2026 13:24

It's in a completely different country! One your wife is visiting a few weeks before. Seems completely pointless to travel back again just for one day, just for a baby shower.

Your daughter is being utterly unreasonable I'm afraid @ThamesmeadHammer

Laura95167 · 27/03/2026 13:26

ThamesmeadHammer · 27/03/2026 12:25

Wife is flying back with me a few weeks before to see her father and check on him. I have some business to attend to at the same time.

Wife said it makes sense to celebrate with my daughter a few weeks before rather than fly back for the day as per the baby shower

Again, I'm like do whatever you want - doesn't matter what I say

Show quote history

The problem is you. DW is being practical, fine. But its upsetting you and your DD.

Its not fine, so explain why it's important and facilitate the relationship between your child and partner.

SpryCat · 27/03/2026 13:27

Calliopespa · 27/03/2026 13:23

Has she actually said she will cut them out?

Show quote history

DD said she doesn’t want to see them at all

saraclara · 27/03/2026 13:28

ThamesmeadHammer · 27/03/2026 12:25

Wife is flying back with me a few weeks before to see her father and check on him. I have some business to attend to at the same time.

Wife said it makes sense to celebrate with my daughter a few weeks before rather than fly back for the day as per the baby shower

Again, I'm like do whatever you want - doesn't matter what I say

Show quote history

Why didn't you just say "this means a huge amount to DD after her struggles to get pregnant. She really wants you there. You went to your DIL's baby shower so it would be a shame not to attend DD's"

Just shrugging and saying 'do what you like' instead of at least trying to make a case for your wife attending, is pretty crap fathering, and I'd expect better if I was your daughter.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 27/03/2026 13:28

Baby showers are nonsense. No one flies abroad for one day for a baby shower.

The fact she struggled to get pregnant for some time, has absolutely no bearing on the importance of the baby shower. It does not make it any more important; they are still nonsense.

Why on earth are you indulging this?

VividPinkTraybake · 27/03/2026 13:30

Ocelotfeet27 · 27/03/2026 12:32

I think YABU for not standing up to your wife. Baby showers are a load of rubbish but this is a kind gesture to her stepchildren. It's not like she's going to have a hundred baby showers is it? I'd be pissed off too if I was your DD, because it suggests your wife does not value her. It's lazy and selfish for something that means so much to your DD. You are just trying to go for an easy life- have some backbone. If you don't agree with your DD's position that's one thing, but just flopping about like a wet lettuce in the middle of everyone is pathetic.

t the wife wants to celebrate personally with the step daughter when she is over in the country, rather than fly over for a different event. That certainly doesn't sound like the wife doesn't value her.