AIBU to expect my wife and stepson’s wife to attend my daughter’s baby shower?

[ThamesmeadHammer]

To expect my wife to go to my daughter's baby shower?

Wife and I been together for 31 years, both had a child from previous relationships who happen to be the same age.

We decided to leave the UK and move to Italy, along with my stepson, his wife and their baby.

My daughter has been through the wringer trying to get pregnant for years and there was a fear that she may never have a child.
Her step brother - wife's DS - and his wife fell pregnant and had a beautiful baby and all her friends have had babies.

This really knocked the stuffing out of her and affected her mental health.

Thankfully DD fell pregnant and is expecting a girl in a few months. I was absolutely over the moon and was everyone else.

A baby shower has been arranged for her but my wife isn't going nor is my stepsons wife - despite me and my wife flying back a few weeks before.

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

I was really disappointed with my wife, after all she has been a step mum to my daughter.

Haven't confronted my wife over this, I feel outnumbered by her, her son and his wife.

BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships.

Why on earth are you indulging this?

Because OP and OP's DD are both emotionally immature, and expect everyone else to pander to their manipulative nonsense.

Struggling to get pregnant before being successful is a red herring.

It doesn't automatically make her baby more wanted or more important than a woman who found getting pregnant easier.

Well, yes, that does make sense, doesn’t it? I’d do the same as your wife.

Like others, I smell either a reverse or the daughter posing as her father, but on the off-chance it's not:

Talk of "standing up to" your wife in this context is absurd; she isn't imposing on you by making a decision about whether she is or isn't going to attend an event- even if you don't like it. Grown women get to make those decisions for themselves. You can tell her how you feel about it, but that's it.

It’s clear from your other threads you are done with your wife, and you loathe her son. A nonsense baby shower is the least of the problems here.

I wouldn't be flying over to celebrate a pointless, American tradition either. Your wife has already offered a lovely solution of celebrating with your DD when you're both over. You could don a wig and do the wife work you expect instead?

This. Nor is it any more special and important once it’s born.

I suspect what’s really hurting is the realisation that you will have less of a relationship with your daughter’s child than with your step daughter’s child, because you chose to fuck off to another country.

Firstly, I’m impressed that the stepbrother AND his partner were both able to get pregnant at the same time.

Secondly, many people see baby showers as self indulgent, tacky and grabby. So they probably cba to go along with it.

I wouldn't even go next door for one. That is the level of contempt I hold for this nonsense. The idea of all this hoo-ha for a baby shower that requires a flight to get to just boggles my mind.

It's not the 1950s anymore! I'd be surprised by anyone having an all female baby shower this century.

I had a baby shower thrown for me for my first child who is now approaching 30. It was men and women, and in fact it was a shower for my husband and I. That wasn't unusual then. These days I never hear of all female baby showers.

Whether I agree with baby showers or not, if I had the time and the money I would most definitely make the effort in support of my step daughter, even more so given the struggles she has overcome. I would cut your daughter in law some slack as it sounds like it would be more of a logistical problem as she must either be heavily pregnant or with a new born.
Unfortunately, even if your wife changed her mind, I think the damage has already been done.

Why wouldn't you explain that your DD really wants your wife there at the baby shower that it would mean such a lot to her and that shell be upset if you decide not to go?
Communicating that may help.

OP - are you going to the shower? Presumably so. I think your wife is being sensible, especially as she'll be seeing your daughter just a few weeks beforehand. Having said that, if I was your wife, I would accompany you to the shower if it was important to my step daughter. I know it's a flight but it's not far.

I'm sorry your daughter has had fertility issues. That must have been extremely hard for her. But that doesn't mean that the upcoming birth of her baby deserves to be celebrated more than those of us who had no trouble conceiving. I can assure you that my children were every much as wanted and special as hers.

Sounds a bit like emotional blackmail though ‘She wants you there because it’s been so difficult, and it will upset her if you don’t go’

Just no. It’s a direct way of ensuring that there will be no relationship going forward.

Personally I wouldn’t fly to a baby shower even if it was my own daughters!
This is a ridiculous American Import and I would have no interest in going to one even if it was next door. They sound mind numbingly dull.
However - after the baby is here/Christening then yes!
From a personal perspective I find it really odd to celebrate a baby that isn’t here yet when so many things can go wrong in pregnancy & birth.
Your daughter is massivly overreacting-it’s a party ffs.
Fancy expecting people to fly to you for a party……..

Are you going? If your DD has you there for the day and a few days she will love that.

did your DD attend her sil”s baby shower? If so then yes I think your DIL and your wife should go.

The (three) baby showers I've attended in the last seven years have been all-female events, arranged by a friend/close relative of the mother-to-be and held locally i.e within 10 miles of the MTB's home. The attendees were all female friends/close relatives. I wouldn't consider flying to Italy (or similar destination) if my daughter was having a baby shower there.

I mean, this does make sense! This is exactly what I would do. Let her enjoy her baby shower with her mum and friends. Make a big fuss of her when you’re in the Uk and again when you first visit to meet the baby. Are you flying back for the baby shower? They aren’t just for women, you know. It would be lovely for a grandad to be to pop in. So why not do that?

That said, my SIL is nice enough, but if she got pregnant and had a baby shower, I’d simply send a present. It wouldn’t be something I’d go out of my way to attend and she is just over the border in Wales. For a wedding, yes. But baby showers aren’t really a big deal.

And OP if there’s wider problems as well you might be better off relocating to where your DD lives and getting divorced. No one wants to be treated differently or made to feel like their side of the family isn’t important.

I think because being overseas it would make sense for your wife to see the baby when it arrives. But it would be nice for her to send a bunch of flowers and maybe a small baby gift and card for the baby shower, saying something along the lines of congrats, can't wait to meet the baby and enjoy your day.

I think for your daughter to get so very upset that she no longer wants to see them is OTT.

Are you in Italy or Spain as per your other thread?

You also mentioned having lived in the UK until recently due to your daughter’s mental health issues. You said something about moving in with your MIL to care for her, but on this post you’re flying home to see your FIL amongst other things.

I get you probably changed a few things for anonymity, but it’s probably better to keep some things consistent - and the country you live in is very important as it can definitely change the cost of travelling to the UK.

Given what you’ve said about you step son and his wife not working and you having to fund their lifestyle because they moved with no savings (didn’t see any mention of their baby on the other thread either which is odd if they were both not working relying on you financially) how do you expect your DIL to afford to fly back to the UK for a baby shower? You can’t in one breath resent them for relying on you financially then in the next resent them for saying no to an unnecessary expense.

It sounds like you are deeply unhappy. Why don’t you try posting for advice on what your real question is? I suspect you really want to know if you should divorce your wife and move back to the UK. I think you should from what I’ve read on the two threads.

Your wife made a big effort with stepson’s wife’s event because presumably she was the host? The woman who hosts the baby shower is usually the woman who is super close to the mother to be and it’s not surprising that it might be your wife who fits this role. It’s also not surprising if years of living in different countries means that your wife is closer to her DIL than your dd these days.

Tell us more about your DD’s mother. Is she hosting the baby shower? Is staying away and celebrating separately a way not to create tension or drama?

Your wife still wants to celebrate with your dd. That’s a good sign.

No wonder the planet is in such a state with people flying to baby showers ffs.

Baby showers, girl/boy reveal and anything else are very declasse.
I wouldn't go to anything like that and can fully understand anyone else with the same feeling.
Yes, it is terrific that your daughter is now having a baby, but surely the event could be celebrated in a much more sustained way?