Offering someone a tissue when they cry

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

I always thought it was a sympathetic gesture but was told today that it can be seen as you saying "stop crying, clean yourself up"

How do you see it?

I see it as “stop crying, I can’t cope with seeing your tears”

Surely it depends on how you’re being offered the tissue?
I have been given a tissue at arms length between thumb and forefinger and told to stop blubbing and sort myself out and it was clear that person wasn’t being sympathetic.

This was drummed into me when I trained as a counsellor. But I now think the how you do it is the thing. You perhaps can feel very exposed and embarrassed if you're tearful and snotty so a tissue is helpful. But if it's thrust at you quickly it's a real stop it vibe.

Therapists offer tissues and I’ve not heard of them expecting people to stop crying.

I see it (and offer it) as 'here, you don't have to use your sleeve's

Surely most people need something to dry their tears?? No one can be offended by a tissue

I had always seen it as a kind gesture but now I’ve read your post I can absolutely see how it could be taken the other way. I guess the thing to do is keep the conversation going in a non hurried way (and be relieved the snot was gone)

If you have a tissue and they don't, it seems to me to be at best weird, and at worst a sort of deliberate humiliation/power play, to let them sit there getting snotty and with tears over their face and not give them the means to wipe their face...

As above, depends on how it's done

'Oh lovely, I'm so sorry, here's some tissues'
Is very different from
'FFS sort yourself out you big baby'

it can be seen as you saying "stop crying, clean yourself up"

Jesus.

Some people can find a negative in absolutely any kind gesture.

That's how you see it. It's very likely that's not how it's intended

in my experience, therapists do not pass someone a tissue. They make them available, which is different.

So many hours debating the “meaning” of giving someone a tissue in different professional trainings. For me it’s an act of kindness, empathy and preserving dignity.

It’s good manners to offer someone a tissue if they are without and a glass of water if they are coughing. Anything can become unkind if you want it to. It’s tone and gesture that changes things.

Depends on how it is offered, I have had both.
The sympathetic version is usually offering a tissue or bringing a whole box along with a there there it’s ok to cry, I’m here for you,

The disgusted get a hold of yourself usually is when someone tosses a tissue at you passive aggressively and rolls their eyes or says things like you’ll be fine, this is nothing, or get a grip ffs or people are starting to stare.

My nose gets all snotty when I cry, I definitely appreciate a tissue. I've never seen the gesture as being told to stop crying.

The question was “how do you see it”. For many, many people, when they see someone cry, they want to make it “better” or to make the other person happy. Ime offering a tissue is more about the person offering it, than the person receiving. I am an adult. I can ask for a tissue if I need one.

Yes. The box of tissues was always within reach when I saw the occupational health person at work and yes I did make use of it.

I just think it’s people being thoughtful- it never occurred to me that it might mean ‘stop crying’.

I think having a box of tissues on a desk, is a nice touch for certain scenarios where they might be needed.

Someone waving a single tissue in your face, not so much.

If I was crying and someone gives me a tissue, I would feel overwhelmed (in a good way) and end up crying some more... but I'd appreciate the tissue for the tears and mucus!

You're right, that was the question. And you're also right in that - when we see someone crying, we often want to help them.

This is no bad thing

I think it depends entirely on the context. I've had a lot of therapy, and done a lot of snotty crying during sessions, and have never had a therapist offer me a tissue, though they're always available nearby, if I need them.

I've been offered a tissue by a friend who always carries them as a hangover from the days when both our children were snotty or tantrummy toddlers -- from her it's an act of love and support, saying 'Here, blow your nose if you like while we talk about this further.'

However, I still remember more than thirty years later a terrifying Grande Dame academic at my Oxford college whose way of handing the box of tissues across her desk could not have said more clearly 'For Chrissakes pull yourself together, gel, and stop being so wet!'

People will find offence in anything nowdays.

I definitely see it as a kind and sympathetic gesture.
I guess the body language and tone of voice would tell you a lot though. Aggressively shoved at you with a cold “have a tissue” comes across v differently to a warm and softly spoken “would you like a like a tissue?”.

I don't really see people crying very often. If ever.

I cry quite a lot but usually try and do it alone. I have never been offered a tissue before I don't think. But I guess if I wasn't in public so could get one myself?

Or if I cry in public people usually looked scared of sometimes ask if I'm ok. A tissue wouldn't offend me I don't think.