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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend seems uninterested in her toddler?

187 replies

ready4gardneing · 26/03/2026 15:25

My best friend seems to of lost interest in her toddler and I find her behaviour quite unsettling but wanted some input on my thoughts.

She works part time and has her child in nursery on those days, she also has the child in a day extra in on her day off so she can relax at home etc.

She split with her DC's father when DC was a few months old and the dad has the DC every other weekend.

About 6 weeks ago she started seeing a guy and she says it's quite serious now and they both really like each other.

He has me her DC once when she was unable to find childcare, but he didn't stay over and this was when her DC was in bed for the night.

She rarely spends any time with her DC as even on the weekends when the DC isn't with the dad she will leave her DC with her parents (or ask others including myself) so she can have her boyfriend over.

She seems quite short tempered and fed up with DC now and get frustrated easily with her DC.

When I went to drop her DC back to hers the other day she got her DC out of the car and left her DC to just wonder on behind her (her DC has a habit of running off) and considering they live off a road I was abit shocked.

On the days she see's her boyfriend she will keep DC in the house in a playpen playing so she can get herself ready etc before DC gets picked up.

Before we would both do a lot of activities with her DC and my kids (similar age) but that has all stopped now.

I completely understand she has the right to a life etc but it just seems she has lost interest as all she talks about is her new boyfriend.

She has asked if her DC can come away with me, DH and our DC next weekend for Easter and I have declined no it would be too much with 3 young toddlers to look after.

I can't help but feel sorry for her DC as there dosent seem to be stability anymore.

Maybe I am being too harsh?
AIBU?

OP posts:
PrawnAgain · 26/03/2026 15:38

If she's your best friend I'd hate to see what you'd post about your enemies.
You seem to want a pile on of people to agree she's a bad mother ...

Original poster
ready4gardneing · 26/03/2026 15:40

No I'm not saying she is a bad mother, I'm just wondering if she is maybe struggling with essentially being a single parent.

She asks me ( and others) 2/3 times a week to babysit which I think is getting quite unfair now.

OP posts:
SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 26/03/2026 15:42

Quite serious after 6 weeks? Jeeze louise. Say bo to babysitting, and give her the wide birth.

tooloololoo · 26/03/2026 15:42

Is she depressed

ComtesseDeSpair · 26/03/2026 15:44

I suspect she’s less uninterested and more likely overwhelmed and struggling as a lone parent living with the reality that (despite a new boyfriend) this isn’t the life she planned when she had a baby in what she thought was a happy, secure relationship taking its next stage into raising a family together. The new boyfriend is an outlet for her feelings. She’s your best friend: talk to her. There are obviously signs here that something isn’t right, and her asking you to take her toddler for a weekend and you feeling you had to decline is a good place to start the conversation about you feeling she’s not the engaged mum and friend you used to spend a lot of time doing things with.

Original poster
ready4gardneing · 26/03/2026 15:45

I don't think she is depressed as such (not mentioned anything) but from what she has said she misses being in a relationship and her identity before she had her child.
She is only 28.

OP posts:
Ace56 · 26/03/2026 15:47

Sounds like she’s checked out of parenting a bit and sees her child as something getting in the way of her new relationship. She needs a wake up call but I’m not sure how you’d go about it without offending her/losing the friendship…

ComtesseDeSpair · 26/03/2026 15:47

ready4gardneing · 26/03/2026 15:45

I don't think she is depressed as such (not mentioned anything) but from what she has said she misses being in a relationship and her identity before she had her child.
She is only 28.

People often don’t come out with saying “I’m depressed”: often they don’t recognise the way they’re feeling as depression - particularly if they haven’t experienced it before. They just show the signs in changes in behaviour and outlook and priorities.

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 26/03/2026 15:48

ready4gardneing · 26/03/2026 15:45

I don't think she is depressed as such (not mentioned anything) but from what she has said she misses being in a relationship and her identity before she had her child.
She is only 28.

28 isn’t that young, honestly she needs a wake up call. Could his dad get custody?

Dollymylove · 26/03/2026 16:03

tooloololoo · 26/03/2026 15:42

Is she depressed

Doubtful, more like cock happy.
Poor child being sidelined for the new fella. She needs to shape up as a mother

LessDramaMoreLiving · 26/03/2026 16:27

ready4gardneing · 26/03/2026 15:40

No I'm not saying she is a bad mother, I'm just wondering if she is maybe struggling with essentially being a single parent.

She asks me ( and others) 2/3 times a week to babysit which I think is getting quite unfair now.

Edited

It’s extremely odd for her to ask you to take her toddler on holiday with you. That’s not normal behaviour. I’d be concerned. She needs talking to.

Using the play pen for space to get ready and extra day in nursery to get things done or just to relax is normal behaviour.

ColdWeatherWarning · 26/03/2026 16:46

Ace56 · 26/03/2026 15:47

Sounds like she’s checked out of parenting a bit and sees her child as something getting in the way of her new relationship. She needs a wake up call but I’m not sure how you’d go about it without offending her/losing the friendship…

This. It's not depression, some mothers just get caught up in the thrill of romance and suddenly their kids are annoying little burdens - perhaps reminders of past partners they now hate. Chasing and securing a new man is her sole priority.

My mum was the same, and I've heard scores of other stories like this over the years, both on MN and in the news (look how many mums let their shitty new boyfriends abuse/kill the kids).

I don't know what the answer is, though. How can you make this sort of mother care about her kids again? I think once the love is gone, it's gone.

Original poster
ready4gardneing · 26/03/2026 17:08

She hasn't spent a full day with her child since last Friday.

Before she would tell me how she hated the fact that her DC would be spending time away from her and how she had to remind herself that her DC "lives here with me in our home" but now it's like "I cannot wait for XYZ to take DC, DC literally drives me insane".

She is planning on going away next weekend with her new man and is stuck for a babysitter.

Im standing firm as it's usually utter chaos with all 3 together.

OP posts:
plims · 26/03/2026 17:15

Have you asked her what’s happening or have you just judged her from a distance?

Original poster
ready4gardneing · 26/03/2026 17:28

Yes I have asked if everything is OK and she said she is absolutely fed up of her child.

She says it's the lack of sleep, the constant tantrums, screaming and battles.
Also the lack of "me time".

OP posts:
LessDramaMoreLiving · 26/03/2026 17:36

ready4gardneing · 26/03/2026 17:28

Yes I have asked if everything is OK and she said she is absolutely fed up of her child.

She says it's the lack of sleep, the constant tantrums, screaming and battles.
Also the lack of "me time".

And she wants to pass that onto someone else?

It’s hard being a single parent I’m sure but she can’t just run-out on the child every chance she gets. The more she does, the more he’ll tantrum, scream and have battles with her. He’ll be crying out for her attention.

Sounds like the DC is in the way of her new relationship, and that’s really sad for the child. She needs to give her head a wobble.

Sensiblesal · 26/03/2026 17:44

ready4gardneing · 26/03/2026 17:08

She hasn't spent a full day with her child since last Friday.

Before she would tell me how she hated the fact that her DC would be spending time away from her and how she had to remind herself that her DC "lives here with me in our home" but now it's like "I cannot wait for XYZ to take DC, DC literally drives me insane".

She is planning on going away next weekend with her new man and is stuck for a babysitter.

Im standing firm as it's usually utter chaos with all 3 together.

It sounds like she is lost, lonely and struggling.

it must be hard to be in a relationship & starting a family & your dream/expectation is to raise the child together to suddenly becoming a single mum.

now I know most women just get on with it even though its a struggle because there is no option.

she definitely sounds like she is rushing a relationship to get that family situation back but also at the same time struggling with all the hats of mum, single, dating, friends, work, life.

I guess her wanting care for the child all the time is part of that. She needs support but maybe not babysitter support

cadburyegg · 26/03/2026 21:58

I’ve been a single mum for 6 years and I often struggle still. It’s not an easy life. People think that after a relationship ends, it’s hard for a few months only then people pick up and carry on. When you have a child it’s not like that. It is relentless and intense for many years.

People love to criticise single mums, but they wouldn’t want their life. How would you feel if your partner left one day, or god forbid died. Few people would cope well.

You say that your friend has not had a full day with her child since last Friday as if it was a long time ago, but that was less than a week ago. The dad presumably is not judged for spending 12 days a fortnight away from his child. Parents spending a lot of time away from their child is frankly normal for working families these days.

Your friend probably needs empathy more than solutions. Instead of babysitting you could offer a shoulder to cry on, maybe ask what she has tried to help the sleep situation. She sounds burned out, but that doesn’t mean everyone needs to drop everything to babysit. She needs workable long term solutions if possible. If you are happy to babysit occasionally then just say that. “Sorry, I can only do XX from now on”, rinse and repeat.

CrocusesFlowering · 26/03/2026 22:03

Poor child.

Original poster
ready4gardneing · 27/03/2026 08:49

The thing is my OH works away a lot and is only home on Sundays so at times I am looking after our 2 DC and her DC as well, it's a lot with 3 under 4.
And I just feel it's unfair for her to keep asking me when she knows how hard it is for me to have 3 toddlers all at once.

I think she is annoyed that I declined her suggestion that her DC goes with us away next weekend.

I have touched on depression etc with her briefly but she just says she is fed up with having no time to herself and how bad the tantrums are.
She has said she isn't depressed just a fed up mum.

She is very outgoing and bubbly so she feels as if the old part of who she was has died.

The dad would ideally love to have their DC more and it had to go through court for him to obtain access. She wouldn't like DC going more than what the court has ordered so she wouldn't be keen on the dad having more custody.
The relationship ended very badly.

I think she is going to ask her parents if they can have him a few days in the week for a few months just for to have some space.

I can understand how it feels relentless and being a parent is such hard work, especially at the toddler age.

OP posts:
YellowStockings · 27/03/2026 09:27

Poor DC - how awful for them.

If she's your best friend, presumably you have (or have had in the past) some sort of relationship with her ex? Could you quietly reach out to him and let him know you have concerns about his child, and suggest he offers to have the child more regularly?

Octavia64 · 27/03/2026 09:32

Most of this sounds fairly normal.

tantruming toddlers aren’t a lot of fun to be around. I had mine in an extra day at the childminders just do I could catch up on sleep and housework!

putting them in the playpen when she has a shower and similar also sounds pretty normal.

obviously you can’t take her toddler away with you, that’s totally out of the question but it more sounds like she is struggling to be honest. It’s a tough age, especially for a single parent.

starrynight009 · 27/03/2026 09:39

I run playgroups, and it’s honestly quite sad how many mothers I see who seem really disengaged from their children. It’s not necessarily about relationship status either...most of the mums I know are still with their partners.

I’ve even come across social media groups for people who regret having children. There's a lot. It’s something people rarely talk about because it feels taboo, but the reality is that those feelings do exist for some.

I try to understand as I know for some parents the shift in identity can be overwhelming, and it sounds like your friend might be going through that. If she’s also had to suddenly take on a lot by herself, that can hit especially hard. Some toddlers are really hard work. It could be that this new person in her life is making her feel like an individual again.

That said, you’re completely within your rights to step back if helping her is starting to take a toll on you. It’s important to look after your own wellbeing too.

She might benefit from some sort of counselling. Someone to talk to outside of her friends and family.

Poppingby · 27/03/2026 09:39

I think you could have a big, frank talk with her about this at some point but I would only do it if you can offer concrete help because it does sound like she's struggling. You could say I'll take him one afternoon a week or something but you need to shape up and engage with him, he is suffering.

If you can't offer concrete help (and you have 2 kids of your own so that is totally reasonable) I would just see how things progress and plan to be available for the kid not for childcare but as emergency help if needed.

If you're worried she's annoyed with you because you won't take her toddler on your family holiday though it sounds like you wouldn't feel comfortable having that frank talk though. I don't blame you, but then you can't do anything. Don't offer support without the frank talk as you'll just end up a doormat.

LessDramaMoreLiving · 27/03/2026 09:48

ready4gardneing · 27/03/2026 08:49

The thing is my OH works away a lot and is only home on Sundays so at times I am looking after our 2 DC and her DC as well, it's a lot with 3 under 4.
And I just feel it's unfair for her to keep asking me when she knows how hard it is for me to have 3 toddlers all at once.

I think she is annoyed that I declined her suggestion that her DC goes with us away next weekend.

I have touched on depression etc with her briefly but she just says she is fed up with having no time to herself and how bad the tantrums are.
She has said she isn't depressed just a fed up mum.

She is very outgoing and bubbly so she feels as if the old part of who she was has died.

The dad would ideally love to have their DC more and it had to go through court for him to obtain access. She wouldn't like DC going more than what the court has ordered so she wouldn't be keen on the dad having more custody.
The relationship ended very badly.

I think she is going to ask her parents if they can have him a few days in the week for a few months just for to have some space.

I can understand how it feels relentless and being a parent is such hard work, especially at the toddler age.

Tbf we all struggle with ‘no time to ourselves’, unfortunately it’s just part of parenting. We are feel like our freedom has died because in some ways until your kids move out / go to uni it has! I’ve never really got used to it but hey ho, tough shit for me!

Anyway, if she can’t cope with one why the hell does she think it’s okay for you to cope with 3. She needs to accept her parenting responsibilities or put him up for adoption where he will go to a loving family who have his best interests at heart.

Never in my life (and I’m almost 50) have I heard of a parent asking another parent to take their toddler away on holiday with them. It’s really not normal behaviour. This could potentially lead to a safe guarding issue further down the line.

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