Best friend seems uninterested in her toddler?

[ready4gardneing]

My best friend seems to of lost interest in her toddler and I find her behaviour quite unsettling but wanted some input on my thoughts.

She works part time and has her child in nursery on those days, she also has the child in a day extra in on her day off so she can relax at home etc.

She split with her DC's father when DC was a few months old and the dad has the DC every other weekend.

About 6 weeks ago she started seeing a guy and she says it's quite serious now and they both really like each other.

He has me her DC once when she was unable to find childcare, but he didn't stay over and this was when her DC was in bed for the night.

She rarely spends any time with her DC as even on the weekends when the DC isn't with the dad she will leave her DC with her parents (or ask others including myself) so she can have her boyfriend over.

She seems quite short tempered and fed up with DC now and get frustrated easily with her DC.

When I went to drop her DC back to hers the other day she got her DC out of the car and left her DC to just wonder on behind her (her DC has a habit of running off) and considering they live off a road I was abit shocked.

On the days she see's her boyfriend she will keep DC in the house in a playpen playing so she can get herself ready etc before DC gets picked up.

Before we would both do a lot of activities with her DC and my kids (similar age) but that has all stopped now.

I completely understand she has the right to a life etc but it just seems she has lost interest as all she talks about is her new boyfriend.

She has asked if her DC can come away with me, DH and our DC next weekend for Easter and I have declined no it would be too much with 3 young toddlers to look after.

I can't help but feel sorry for her DC as there dosent seem to be stability anymore.

Maybe I am being too harsh?
AIBU?

Sorry, Clare's Law. Friends can do it. I would if I were you. https://www.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/cl/triage/v2/request-information-under-clares-law/

Op there that you think so highly of, who went to court to get 50/50…. Why did the judge only grant him EOW?

There is nothing that you can do about it. Sadly parents can treat their children like an inconvenient burden if they want to.
I had a friend who’d leave her child with anyone as long as she had cover, that child is a grown woman who doesn’t speak to her mother, neither do I. Stupidly I babysat occasionally too. I didn’t have children ATT l we socialised a lot but still found her cold towards her Daughter.
I had my fun before DC.

Her child does not hate her or dislike her because he or she is tantruming. They need her. The child do not need you. Maybe in the kindest of ways the backlash to repeatedly asking for child care is " they do not need me they need you". Her new boyfriend does not need her he wants her.....two different things. She may feel the child hates her or dislikes her and you can only find out by asking.

@Walksspecial- I don't know what your issue is and why you keep coming for me.

Maybe because she lied and said he was abusing her when he wasn't? Something she confirmed herself but I didn't really want to put it out there as it is potentially outing.

So the judge allowed EOW despite believing that the ex abused his child?

and you very much think the ex is as pure as the driven snow when the evidence would make most pause… he went to court for 50/50 and he got EOW. That doesn’t generally happen without damn good reason… and the ex saying that he’s abusive without any evidence whatsoever is unlikely to be taken hook line and sinker!

Family court doesn’t just take one parent’s word that the other is abusing the child seriously unless there is objective third party ie social services agreement

Why are you so fixated on the OP’s friend’s ex? The OP obviously knows him at least a bit at least considering this is about her best friend. She can only go by what she herself knows.

It isn’t really relevant to this thread. There clearly has been a change in the OP’s friend’s behaviour since meeting her new man, which isn’t exactly unusual. The boyfriend’s behaviour sounds very concerning too. These are concerns, whatever the truth about the ex.

And the OP said that previously her friend was a good Mum, so she hasn’t been completely negative about her. She just sounds concerned, understandably so.

And she’s already saying he’s ’step-dad!’. She sounds desperate for attention, desperate for a male to slot into her life and will happily take any prat!

Prats are usually non-working men who prey on single women for a roof over their head and have no interest in the children. They use!

Find out if he’s working or claiming when you next speak with her.

It sounds as though this gives cause for concern going off this post alone. Has your friend a history of problematic drinking or drug abuse? I’d be worried that this is a possibility going off this man’s behaviour, hopefully I’m wrong and jumping to conclusions but I’ve seen situations like this in real life where a lonely vulnerable woman gets into a relationship with a man like this with bad consequences.

I’m also happy to read that her mum can see the ring doorbell footage. I think someone should contact the child’s father about taking his son more often. What might have started as your friend being depressed and lonely has escalated into her putting a clearly unsuitable man before her baby.

You have nothing to lose OP by having a direct conversation with her. I was a lone parent for many years, the early years were relentless and lonely yes BUT really important to my boundaries. To go through the other side of lonely to become really independent and comfortable in my own company. She has really compromised her boundaries with this new chap and as a consequence trying to push other people’s boundaries too. She needs to step back and have a good look into the new guys past, and start being pragmatic about the shared custody situation. You need to give her the truth here if you really are her friend.

I think the extra day in nursery when she isn’t at work is ok ( if this is affordable for her ) so she has a day to herself to relax + catch up on things .
And of course the little one is at his dad’s every other weekend ( for the entire weekend I’m assuming ? ) so that’s only right and fair .
The child safely in a playpen so she can get a shower is something I’ve done because there was no one to mind my youngest .
But as soon as I’d showered I would get them and have them with me in the bedroom while I dried hair and dressed for the day.
But her parents and friends also help too !!!
I hate to say this but it sounds like she has way more time to herself than I ever did as a mum of 3 young children whose husband worked away and I had no relatives who would help ever .

F

I meant to add previously, that I wouldn’t see the extra day at nursery as an issue at all. Many women need this for their own sanity and that’s understandable. However the issue is your friend becoming dependent on this new man and putting him before her own wellbeing and that of her child’s. Spending time with him isn’t the issue but when it’s taking up all weekend, every weekend and if your friend has an history of problematic relationships then I would be concerned.

How often do you typically meet your friend and in what context? Do you ever take the children somewhere together such as the park or a play centre?

I didn't get to see her today but I did have a good chat with her.

The relationship is serious and they will now be seeing each other every Friday - Sunday afternoon to get to know each other and to spend quality time with each other.

She is getting stuck for a babysitter on the Friday and the weekends where it's her turn to have the child, her mum has told her she can only do 2 weekends a month and that's it.

She said her mum is getting abit annoyed and feels she is being taken for granted.

She joked it felt nice again to have "a man around the house" again and how when they ordered food he opened the door as if he was marking his territory and she found it sexy.

There are no plans for her child to meet him just yet.

She said they just vaped, got drunk, watched movies and chilled all weekend and how she is falling for him.

I did say "I can understand your mum getting annoyed and your lucky to have so much help and time to yourself".
I asked how she was feeling and she said it felt amazing having these days to be free and now "it's back to that again".

She was hinting at me babysitting again but I explained I am too exhausted to look after another one and I don't get any respite or time to myself other than Sundays.

She appeared happy and in good spirits.

And we would meet up for park dates and go to each others houses but since she went back to work it all stopped.
She would always usually come to mine for a cuppa with her son.

She is definitely seeing her child as a barrier to her and her new fella spending ‘quality’ time drinking and vaping together. My concern would be if she begins to resent and mistreat the child when she perceives him to be preventing this. It’s so sad. I have been there and yes it was important to me to carve out some time to see my now Dh. But it worked around my son not the other way around. Her child should be her priority.

Maybe mention to her to see if her ex could have the toddler more as if she is being neglected he has a right to custody.

Update:

She asked me again if I could take her son away this weekend and I told her to stop being ao selfish and putting on everyone and to grow up.

She hasn't spoken to me since but it turns out she has only been seeing this guy for a month and not 6 week.
She is having him stay the whole weekend with her poorly son (her mum told me this).

I think she is very selfish and irresponsible and I am very surprised at her behaviour.

I am extremely worried and I will be creating a fake account to notify the father.
Her mum reckons he maybe a drug dealer as each time he comes he is in a different car (she has access to her Ring door bell).

Sorry OP, but can you please clarify who the OP's Mum thinks is a drug dealer, is it the ex, or the new guy?

Well done for telling your friend in no uncertain terms what you think of her behaviour, and telling the little boy's Father what is going on, is, in my opinion the right thing to do, as it looks like your 'friend' is unlikely to forgive you for telling her how you really feel about her behaviour, so you might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

I would agree with the posts saying it's overwhelming. My kids were always with my parents when they were small as my ex was not interested in them. It can also feel like they are holding you back when you are a single parent and you have been 'stuck' with them whilst the other half are living their best life.

It has taken 4 years to turn these feels around for me.

Your poor children.

She was even prepared to send her child away with you whilst poorly. One selfish cow!

So the mum believes her new man is a drug dealer because he is always in a different car and how she has observed how he acts on the Ring door bell and from what she has been told by my friend.

He dosent work either.

I know she is really annoyed that she was unable to have a full weekend to herself.
She has been posting memes about nobody helping her and so called friends and family being selfish.