Best friend seems uninterested in her toddler?

[ready4gardneing]

My best friend seems to of lost interest in her toddler and I find her behaviour quite unsettling but wanted some input on my thoughts.

She works part time and has her child in nursery on those days, she also has the child in a day extra in on her day off so she can relax at home etc.

She split with her DC's father when DC was a few months old and the dad has the DC every other weekend.

About 6 weeks ago she started seeing a guy and she says it's quite serious now and they both really like each other.

He has me her DC once when she was unable to find childcare, but he didn't stay over and this was when her DC was in bed for the night.

She rarely spends any time with her DC as even on the weekends when the DC isn't with the dad she will leave her DC with her parents (or ask others including myself) so she can have her boyfriend over.

She seems quite short tempered and fed up with DC now and get frustrated easily with her DC.

When I went to drop her DC back to hers the other day she got her DC out of the car and left her DC to just wonder on behind her (her DC has a habit of running off) and considering they live off a road I was abit shocked.

On the days she see's her boyfriend she will keep DC in the house in a playpen playing so she can get herself ready etc before DC gets picked up.

Before we would both do a lot of activities with her DC and my kids (similar age) but that has all stopped now.

I completely understand she has the right to a life etc but it just seems she has lost interest as all she talks about is her new boyfriend.

She has asked if her DC can come away with me, DH and our DC next weekend for Easter and I have declined no it would be too much with 3 young toddlers to look after.

I can't help but feel sorry for her DC as there dosent seem to be stability anymore.

Maybe I am being too harsh?
AIBU?

@Dingalingping- this 100%.

She was dealing with parenting fine until the new man came onto the scene.

She did say before she didn't find it hard at all and she would literally make it all look so easy and have me doubting myself when at times I was struggling (but then again she does get a lot of help of her parents).

I was really in awe of how well she did everything as a single parent.

She hasn't spent a weekend with her DC for about 6/7 weeks now since this new guy came on the scene.

The dad would probably have full custody of DC but she won't allow that as then she see's it as "he's won". This is what she told me herself.

I know how hard it is with toddlers as I have a 1 year old and a 3.5 year old.
It is relentless and non stop, I also have no family to help either and so I am pretty much on my own dealing with them until my OH is back on Sundays so compared to me she does have it easy.

We are in the process of moving closer to OH's job so when we move I won't be in a position to help her with babysitting as it will be an hours drive.

Her attitude really does concern me though as before she as all about her child and would always be sending me pics and giving me updates etc.

Now it has all stopped and she is now all about this new man who seems to of taken priority.

Her DC is 19 months old.
I haven't met her new man but she says it's getting very serious.

A relationship that moves very quickly may also be a sign of it being unhealthy, love bombing etc and the start of an abusive relationship 😞

What would her response be if you started trying to send pics of the little ones again? Maybe worth a try? And maybe suggest an outing with the kids etc - might take more than one attempt on your side but could be worth persevering with to check in on your friend x

It just gets sadder with each update. How long until this 'new stepdad' of 6 weeks moves in, and the poor child is completely unwanted by both of them...

Sorry, no advice but again, thank you for looking out for this kid. I sincerely hope they won't end up abused like I was.

I’m not usually one for judging parenting especially when it comes to friends, but it sounds like the child is a bit neglected (letting them wander off near a road). At best she is disinterested.

I mean, unless you suspect the child is in danger there’s really nothing you can do other than talk to her which will definitely affect the friendship. There’s no polite way of saying I don’t think you’re being a good mum at the moment.

If she’s got family helping than hopefully the child is at least getting some love and attention from somewhere but I agree it’s shit parenting to prioritise a new relationship over a small child.

As the previous poster said, this just gets more and more sad the more you tell us OP. If she managed well as a single parent prior to the new man appearing in her life, then I really do feel that the child's father needs to be informed about what is going on, and at least given the opportunity to protect his child from this woman who is only concerned with her own selfish needs and desires. It seems pretty clear to me that she will have this guy moved in before many more weeks have passed, and if he takes against her child, the poor little one could come to serious harm.

Do you feel that you can contact the child's father and put him in the picture OP, and if not, why not?

Unfortunately this is alot more common than people realise. I've known 4 mums that have done this, my own included and 5 dad's too. It's really sad for the kids.

I get where you're coming from.

She's clearly not coping and your unease gives the impression that you think it has the hallmarks of becoming another newsline for another failed child.

Have a confidential word with NSPCC, see if they have any advice x

@Dingalingping- She was previously in an abusive relationship with an ex before so I do worry about history repeating itself.
She can be quite naive and wears her heart on her sleeve.

I am seeing her on Sunday when she gets DC back from the dad's.
I will get more of a feel of the situation when I see her.

She used to work full time but when she went back to work she wanted to go back part time so she could still spend more time with DC.

@ColdWeatherWarning- Thank you for your kind words.
I am sorry to hear that you were also abused, it tends to leave scar's dosent it?

I think that's why my gut is sensing something is off.

I never had loving parents and was often verbally abused and hit etc and pretty much left to fend for myself from the age of 10.

I would never want this for any child or this child, I wish I was in a position to babysit more to be honest at least I know the child would be safe in a loving environment.

Her mum has said that she won't be able to do all the babysitting/pick ups's much more as it has starting to take a toll on her and she has had to pull in sickies at work.

There isn't anybody else apart from me and her mums who could babysit.
I will be moving away in the next few months and won't even be local.

It must be awful of her son to be bounced back and forth in different houses with no real stability.

I’m a lone mum and I wouldn’t leave my child alone this much! Doesn’t bode well.

She sounds selfish tbh. Toddlers are hard work but if she put her DC first she would at least do 50/50 with his dad.
I know she's your friend but I'd be thinking of talking to the dad. Poor child.

The dad and his family would love to have him more, she refused them access until he took her to court.

I can send him a message via social media about my concerns but then she probably wouldn't talk to me again.
I know her mum has noticed the shift as well and has voiced her concerns to me. She would take him in a heartbeat if it came down to it.

I will know more on Sunday.
I think I'm going to tell her how I feel and proceed from there.

I find this v concerning. Maybe she is depressed, toddlers are hard work, it's a mad infatuation with new boyfriend that'll wear off.
Or maybe I watch too much true crime. This has red flags all over it.

Lots and lots of red flags, please please speak up for this little child. And so young! You’ll be helping your friend too really, though she’ll not thank you for it, potentially saving her from having allowed her child come to serious harm.

Maybe the toddler would be better off living with his dad if his dad is genuinely interested. She sounds like she needs to grow up. Most sensible people with a toddler having had a bad break up would be doing all they could to provide a stable relationship for their child not chasing a life they used to have.

I would reach out to the dad. He can try and get more custody time, hopefully 50/50 at least.

If your friendship ends then so be it. You need to advocate for the child.

Don’t be ridiculous. @ready4gardneing is clearly concerned for the welfare of the child who is basically being ignored, sidelined by his mother. Poor kiddo is going to grow up feeling horribly unloved if this carries on. And I’m sure she’s also concerned for her friend too as this obviously isn’t normal happy behaviour for a parent. She isn’t being a good mother atm.

My ex SIL started behaving in a very similar way when my nephew was 4 - kept going on about ‘now he was older she could get back to being ‘me’’ she acted like he was capable of taking care of himself and it was very worrying to observe as she had previously been a helicopter Mum. I suspect now she had undiagnosed Post Natal depression that just continued to get worse. She is now lost in Mental Health Issues and has been for years and I often wonder if we had reacted better to the signs, if she could have had a different outcome. Fortunately for my nephew his Dad took full custody when he was 8 but if you know your friend is acting out of character, please try and ask her if she’s OK and if possible encourage her to get help. Is the father aware that she is behaving differently? Perhaps he could monitor the situation more closely. And for what it’s worth, you sound concerned - not judgmental.

This.
There's nothing wrong with putting your child in nursery for an extra day, I used to do the same.
Didn't mean I didn't want to be with them or whatever, just that I know it's important to look after yourself too - mums need a bit of time to themselves too.

OP was meticulous in not mentioning the child's gender (to the point of saying DC an irritating number of times).

As her friend and frequent babysitter I'd say OP is in a perfect position to judge tbh.

No you’re not being harsh. I’m a single parent, have been since pregnancy. In the beginning I convinced myself I needed a night out a month but this quickly ended. Since then I love spending time with my son, I work full time so only get evenings and weekends but to try and get a babysitter that often a week does seem odd. Have you spoke to her about it? Would you feel comfortable saying no?

OP ignore the sanctimonious people telling you to stop judging. The young child is always the priority and this has safeguarding red flags all over it. An overly intense relationship, a parent who's fed up of their young child already. This is exactly how many serious child abuse cases start. I don't know what the right answer is exactly but don't let anyone make you feel bad for trying to keep a child safe

'She says it's the lack of sleep, the constant tantrums, screaming and battles.'

This stood out for me, could it be it's because she isn't spending enough time with her child, that the child is crying out for attention?

I totally get it's hard but she needs to engage more with her DC for the behaviour to change, the child is just wanting to be loved by mum.

I think it would lead to a more harmonious household, make her happier & want to spend time with her child. Overtime, whoever she's with/meets will become part of their unit but I think she'll realise her child comes first.

What about the dads? Are they disengaged or is it just the mums?

I'm surprised so many people are saying you're being judgy. You're not. It's clear that you're very concerned about a young child who is not being taken care of by his mum.
Help him. Talk frankly to your friend,nof you loose the friendship so be it. Talk to the dad especially.