Best friend seems uninterested in her toddler?

[ready4gardneing]

My best friend seems to of lost interest in her toddler and I find her behaviour quite unsettling but wanted some input on my thoughts.

She works part time and has her child in nursery on those days, she also has the child in a day extra in on her day off so she can relax at home etc.

She split with her DC's father when DC was a few months old and the dad has the DC every other weekend.

About 6 weeks ago she started seeing a guy and she says it's quite serious now and they both really like each other.

He has me her DC once when she was unable to find childcare, but he didn't stay over and this was when her DC was in bed for the night.

She rarely spends any time with her DC as even on the weekends when the DC isn't with the dad she will leave her DC with her parents (or ask others including myself) so she can have her boyfriend over.

She seems quite short tempered and fed up with DC now and get frustrated easily with her DC.

When I went to drop her DC back to hers the other day she got her DC out of the car and left her DC to just wonder on behind her (her DC has a habit of running off) and considering they live off a road I was abit shocked.

On the days she see's her boyfriend she will keep DC in the house in a playpen playing so she can get herself ready etc before DC gets picked up.

Before we would both do a lot of activities with her DC and my kids (similar age) but that has all stopped now.

I completely understand she has the right to a life etc but it just seems she has lost interest as all she talks about is her new boyfriend.

She has asked if her DC can come away with me, DH and our DC next weekend for Easter and I have declined no it would be too much with 3 young toddlers to look after.

I can't help but feel sorry for her DC as there dosent seem to be stability anymore.

Maybe I am being too harsh?
AIBU?

The concern here is a change of behaviour towards the child and a new intense relationship.

Even without the additional babysitting she gets a lot more alone time than many parents where her ex has him for part of the time.

Dad would probably be thrilled to have the toddler over Easter, it seems like the obvious solution

How unfair for the dad as well as the child.

It's the mother's fault the relationship ended. The father would love more time with his child. The mother wants less time with the child but is so spiteful that she'd rather the child be with non-family than with its father.

The father should have custody.

I don’t know why you’re getting a pile on OP, she sounds like a crap mother. She’d rather be spending time with her new bf than her own child. Parenting is relentless but it sounds like she never has her child anyway! I’d have to say something to her, I couldn’t sit and watch. “I know parenting is tough, especially when they’re young, but you can’t keep fobbing her off on everybody else. You already get more downtime that most other parents so you need to step up again. Your new bf shouldn’t come before your own child. I am concerned that you aren’t giving your child enough love and attention like you used to.”

DH and I had a similar experience with a friend that I made at a baby group, so not a long time friend but she had a break up with her sons father and I babysat a few times and it started increasing to full weekends. Her ex didn’t want to have baby weekends and neither did she.
What happened to us was probably quite extreme but the parents offered us money to keep their son with us because he became very attached to us and wanted to stay with us. We obviously declined money but allowed him to stay whenever they needed him babysat. We actually started to love the little boy and he became a part of our family but the parents relationship was so toxic that they started dropping him to us/picking him up/arguing with the other they should have them etc that DH said to them both that it was unfair on their DS that he wanted to be a part of our family and they’re using us like a service provider and to score points over the other one and they were fucking their son up by allowing him to be so attached to us whilst neither of them were bothering with him. He wanted something in place with proper times we had the little lad and not to be used as a drop off. He offended them both and they just blocked me and he obviously stopped coming over. It broke my heart not because I missed him which I obviously did but I hated him thinking in his little mind we’d just abandoned him. He spend over a week here once because his mum turned her phone off. (Tbf I knew where she lived. I could have taken him home) and he was starting to called me mummy like my son did. Once his mum “popped in” because he was “asking for my son” and the little boy kept getting his nappies out of his changing bag and waving “bye bye” to his mum so she would leave him here. My dc also became very attached to him. DH wanted to call social services because it was so extreme but I full of my own baby hormones and poor judgement said we’d just help them and then when we were blocked i rang my friend for advice who told me they’re obviously just going to say it was a malicious report and the best thing to do was focus on my own kids and not to worry. He’ll be a teenager now and I still think about how much I fucked up allowing a toddler to become so close to me when he needed his parents.
Does your friend have her parents? I’d stop babysitting now, the toddler needs their family to be stepping up. Mum is 28, not 18, tell her to grow the fuck up and do a Sarah’s and Clare’s law on any man shes allowing near her child since she has form for abusive partners.

I’m guessing she’s struggling with the mundaneness of having a toddler, the boring activities, tantrums etc. it is hard especially on your own. And now she’s met someone and it’s exciting, new and she’s in lust. It probably does feel preferable but that doesn’t make it right for her to dump her toddler on others all the time. It will likely settle though, if the relationship continues it will reach a point of including the toddler , plus as he gets older he will get easier.
id try not to judge too much but also I wouldn’t be babysitting all the time either. Instead I’d suggest outings for you both with the kids so you are all spending quality time together.

I wouldn't care about losing a friendship with such a selfish woman and would do anything I could to help this child. Is she also taking drugs as the signs are there?

It's ridiculous that she's preventing him having more access which he'd love to have when she's also foisting off her dc at every opportunity.

Tell her she needs to let the dad have more access instead of trying to push her kid onto babysitters constantly. Is it because she'd get less maintenance money if the dad has dc more?

Probably because the majority of parents at a playgroup are mums. Dads are probably working.

Some people just want a baby not a child sadly. I knew someone who loved the attention of being pregnant and having a baby. The minute they were over 1 she lost interest and would get pregnant again.

Other people have children because they think they are supposed to but don't actually want them.

Other people don't realise its hard work. Someone at DHs work couldn't wait to be a mum. Planned on being a SAHM. Was back at work before the 12 months maternity leave was up because it wasn't what she expected.

It must be really hard being a single mum and baring all the mental load but it does sound like she gets plenty of time to herself. Even though she doesn't want the Dad to have more time it sounds like 50/50 would be better for everyone.

Yeah she’ll be wanting all the child support money so is alienating her child from the father not letting him have his child more. Well the offshoot of that is that she is the primary carer and it’s disgusting she’s expecting everyone else to constantly babysit. Unless the father is a danger to the child they should be aiming for 50/50 custody. I personally could not be friends with someone like that and I would give her a wide berth I mean would she be giving you any money to take her child away with you at all? I doubt it. She’ll be pregnant in no time at all to the new fella no doubt, she seems the type.

For the sake of the child I’d be playing her a bit.

”Get Dad to watch him… why should he have loads of free time and you have to scramble for babysitters? Get him to pull his weight and give you your free time…” Frame it as her winning and not letting him away with slacking rather than him winning.

If she’s in the mindset of feeling hard done by she may well go for it.

And the poor child will get more time with the parent who is interested in him.

I have little time for parents who neglect their children for new relationships (my parents were abusive and neglectful to the point I ended up I. The care of my grandparents), but sometimes for the sake of the child you have to be clever in how you approach it

Controversial but I actually don’t think ‘she has a right to a life’, if that life is prioritising dating over her child. I don’t even think parents should be dating until kids are teenagers, and even then it should be less of a priority to the children, but that’s just my opinion.

But did you ask your friend to take your toddler on holiday with them?

Oh I'm more extreme than you, don't worry. I don't think single parents of young children should date at all, at least until their DC are older teens.

She hasn't spent a weekend with her DC for about 6/7 weeks now since this new guy came on the scene.

This doesn't make sense. She is saying she has a lack of me time.

I know of two couples in my family who almost seem to regret having their child. One of them has a son who's 10, and while he's well looked after and everything they certsinly don't seem to be embracing parenthood. We often babysat and had him over night quite a bit when he was younger so they could go out with friends drinking, etc and now when we are at their house they don't do much with him. They limit his screen time but virtually ignore him especially if other adults are there so he gets bored. They said the other day that they definitely don't want any more as now he's older they're "finally getting our lives back". The other couple say the same. It's like having children is too much like hard work. I didn't have my first until I was 35 as I met my partner quite late. I thank my lucky stars every day for my two and have loved being a parent. It's the bedt thing I've ever done. I just don't understand when other parents don't feel the same. Parenthood is sometjing thst should be done wholeheartedly or not at all. I feel sorry gor yoyr friend's child. She needs to wake up and realise how lucky she is. Let's hope she soon does.

It's wise for your friend to ask her parents to help more for a few months.

Your friend is pursuing a new relationship and her child is best not mixed up with their outings.

She says that she had been a single parent since her son was a few months old and did everything on her own (with minimal help of anyone - this is true).

The father only started having the child every other weekend when he was 15 months old.

She works 2 days a week and the child is on nursery for 3 days.
She says it has been non stop and she has done the hard work herself and she wants to have some "me time" and have a life other than being a mother.

She has a day of in the week.
Every other weekend to herself.

The child hasn't spent a weekend with her for about 6 weeks since the new guy came onto the scene as on the weekends he is due to be with her he is sent to her parents on the Friday and collected on Sunday afternoon.

@JustAnotherWhinger- I'm sorry to hear you also had an abusive childhood, bless you .

It would make sense if they both had 50/50 custody as I feel sorry for the boy, he must spend a few nights a week at different households each week now.
He must be confused.

He does have a very close and loving bond with the gran though, I have witnessed how fond he is of her and she is of him and that is reassuring.

Even when my best friend is with her mum, it's her mum who is the one interacting with him, she just walks off and leaves her to it.

@TheAngryPuxie- I think there are plenty of parents who regret having kids, and I think kids can pick up on that and it can cause issues later on in life.

Having children is hard work but also very rewarding. After I had my first I couldn't wait to be pregnant again as I love being a mum so much.

Sadly I think my friend has lost interest and the new guy has taken priority.

In all honesty she needs to relinquish custody, court isn’t required, they can change the number of days, schedule etc by mutual consent and alter maintenance accordingly. Does she realise this is possible without going to court? Switching to 50/50 might be a good balance

This.

Anonymously let the dad know via a fake account on social media, she’s neglecting her son and he should be fighting for more custody.