Best friend seems uninterested in her toddler?

[ready4gardneing]

My best friend seems to of lost interest in her toddler and I find her behaviour quite unsettling but wanted some input on my thoughts.

She works part time and has her child in nursery on those days, she also has the child in a day extra in on her day off so she can relax at home etc.

She split with her DC's father when DC was a few months old and the dad has the DC every other weekend.

About 6 weeks ago she started seeing a guy and she says it's quite serious now and they both really like each other.

He has me her DC once when she was unable to find childcare, but he didn't stay over and this was when her DC was in bed for the night.

She rarely spends any time with her DC as even on the weekends when the DC isn't with the dad she will leave her DC with her parents (or ask others including myself) so she can have her boyfriend over.

She seems quite short tempered and fed up with DC now and get frustrated easily with her DC.

When I went to drop her DC back to hers the other day she got her DC out of the car and left her DC to just wonder on behind her (her DC has a habit of running off) and considering they live off a road I was abit shocked.

On the days she see's her boyfriend she will keep DC in the house in a playpen playing so she can get herself ready etc before DC gets picked up.

Before we would both do a lot of activities with her DC and my kids (similar age) but that has all stopped now.

I completely understand she has the right to a life etc but it just seems she has lost interest as all she talks about is her new boyfriend.

She has asked if her DC can come away with me, DH and our DC next weekend for Easter and I have declined no it would be too much with 3 young toddlers to look after.

I can't help but feel sorry for her DC as there dosent seem to be stability anymore.

Maybe I am being too harsh?
AIBU?

She's either very overwhelmed and struggling. Or she is very selfish. I think you need to have a conversation with her. Either way the child deserves better.

How did the relationship end badly? Unless there is abuse there is absolutely no good reason this child cannot spend more time with their father. Don't complain about having no time to yourself when you're actively stopping the other parent being involved!

And she is a CF to think you should cope with 3 toddlers when she can't even cope with one.

I used to put my son in nursery on my day off as I was so exhausted. I would use that time to do housework and maybe nap. My DC was coming home to a clean home and a rested mummy. I hadn’t checked out at all, I just needed a break once a week.

That's what OP's friend should do. Not expect others to take her child on holiday with them!

Shes going through a phase, ive seen it bfore. The new man has given her a boost and given her the excitement she's been craving. In comparison looking after her toddler from ex isnt as exciting, her mind is on the new man. This phase does not last forever, when she comes back to earth she will feel bad for her child but nobody knows how long this phase will last.
I knew someone who went through divorce, found a new man, and her child was in the 'way' of her new exciting life and she gave up custody of the child to a family member.
She was wrapped up in her new man. When they broke up she tried to get custody back but wasn't able to.

While your friend is going thru this phase her child will take a back seat, you can step in to help during this time by babysitting more. At least he will be taken care of) if you don't feel you can due to your own life commitments then there's nothing you can do.. youl have to step back and let what happens, happen.

You can try talking to her but while she's in this phase she is likely not going to listen. She wants the new exciting life and thrill the new man gives her.

It’s great parenting!

I get exhausted with the tantrums, accidents messes etc… so I completely understand that perspective but honestly she sounds selfish and a bad mum. Play pens are normal, asking people to mind your kid occasionally is also normal - but all the time, having someone mind your kid every day of the week and then trying to offload a toddler for a long weekend so you can act single. We all have days where we just crave our own space but this sounds like potential neglect. I have read way too many news stories of toddlers being neglected or abused when shitty mums fall in “love”.

Why won’t she let the dad have the child more if it’s such a burden? Obviously if he was abusive that is understandable, but if it’s just because the relationship ended badly then that is entirely selfish, using a child you don’t even want as a weapon. It would be good if the kid was allowed a parental figure in their life. Do you know the dad?

Maybe she is a bad mother, they do exist.

This is fucking diabolical.
6 weeks in and she is bringing the guys to hers because "childcare" despite having 1.5 days per week child free and a 48 weekend every other week..

She needs to cop on

sit her down and have a come to jesus chat.

If dave is such a love match they have eternity so maybe calm the fuck down and prioritise your small child for a while.

Her ex is a nice guy and they broke up because he caught her doing something he found was inappropriate, apparently she was talking to other men and sending them sexy pics on social media a few months after the birth.

She says she just wanted to feel good again as the pregnancy had been extremely difficult.

The child is with her parents today and the dad is having the baby until Sunday(his weekend) so her new man can stay from today until Sunday.

She asked if I wanted to meet him as he is staying at hers until Sunday.

I do try and support her as much as I can but sometimes it does feel as if she lives in her own little bubble, everything seems so quick.
She is now on about her DC having a step dad!

"She is now on about her DC having a step dad"

Urgh. That makes me feel sick

Thank you for looking out for this child. Someone needs to

YANBU to refuse child minding
YABU to judge her parenting

If your instinct is telling you something is off in her parenting I would trust that feeling.

It's very odd asking a friend to take your child for easter weekend ! Particularly when she is already using childcare

I am not sure what you can do other than be honest with her or suggest dad gets custody

28 isn’t that young at all but being a single parent must be difficult. I think she needs support rather than judgement. I would be concerned but I’d talk to her/her mum or something rather than post about it on here.

This - very sad for the DC to be ignored and pushed onto strangers, she obviously prioritise her love life and the DC gets in the way. Some people should not have children if they can't treat them well. You could try speaking to her but it's a very difficult situation, poor little one.

That’s unfair. Imagine getting every other weekend free and still wanting to send your kid away for Easter. This is not normal. If she was depressed and asked for help I would understand, but she just wants to spend time with her boyfriend.

Oh the poor little thing. No stability and hell just get worse and worse. If he tantrums now with no primary caregiver emotionally available he's just going to get worse.

How old Is he?

She IS a bad mother.

There seems to be a lot of concern as to how you approach this as a supportive friend but I think it's worth thinking about how she values your friendship. She asks you to babysit multiple times a week knowing you have two young children, is she concerned at all for your wellbeing, knowing your DH works away? I'm sorry OP but she is taking the piss and treating you as a total sap. I have never in my life heard of a woman asking their friend to take their toddler away with them knowing they have made plans already. Just bear this in mind when fretting over letting her down or hurting her feelings.

I get her needing a break, toddlers are awful sometimes and if she is alone dealing with ridiculous bed time routines and constant night wakings and early morning tantrums 5 days a week i sympathise. But as being a parent of a toddler goes, she has a very good set up with parents around and every other weekend off, part time work and a day to herself. She is extremely lucky.

I think you are right to be concerned and I don't know the answer here. Please tell her no and stop babysitting whenever she wants. She can pay for a childminder like most people, she can increase her hours if that works for her. Many FT working parents would rather work long hours than deal with a toddler, they mightn't like to admit it but many find it incredibly difficult at that stage and still go on to be wonderful parents.

If we don’t judge, we may as well have no standards at all, and that leads to poor outcomes for children who are the victims of bad parenting.

It sounds like it was your friend's fault that the marriage ended, so I think you should if at all possible, speak to the little one's Dad, and put him in the picture. He may well decide to go for custody if he realises what she'd getting up to, and in all honesty, I wouldn't blame him. Poor child.

I think you are right to be concerned by her change in behaviour towards her child. The very sad reality of many child protection cases and serious review cases in child deaths, is often preceded by a new boyfriend entering the picture. I’m not saying for one minute that that is what is happening here, but it’s where my head immediately went.

Solo parenting is such a challenge but it sounded like she was managing this fine previously.

I couldn’t imagine my toddler being away with even my most trusted friend and partner, for a whole weekend, I can’t even fathom it. I wouldn’t want them to go away to a grandparents for longer than a night or two at very most, they are so young and I would just miss them too much and worry how they would be feeling. Maybe that’s just me though.

its a tricky one as saying something could isolate your friend further and push her into the relationship even more. Have you met the new guy yet?

I struggled like this even with a husband and felt really guilty for hating being a mum and knew that I had to get help so my kid didn’t realise I didn’t like spending time with him. I just found it all so boring and relentless. And the tiredness was a killer. I’d have a word with her. I feel so sorry for the kid. She might even be aware tho, I defo was. So I tried my hardest to not let it show to my kid. It was really hard. And I still worry now that he might have difficulties later in life due to my inadequacies in his early life. But at least he has a very present and wonderful dad.

To be honest, toddlers are HARD. I absolutely adore my 3 year old yet there are times where her attitude/lack of listening/tantrums drive me literally to the edge. And i have to remind myself that its a phase and it will pass (over and over and over again) and it does. Maybe shes in one of these stages and is struggling? That being said expecting every one else to look after your child whilst also refusing first refusal to their dad, who happily would have them more is unfair. Your friend should be seeing her new man on her child free weekend like ever other single parent has too

I’d be concerned that her overeagerness with the new BF might lead to her being groomed and the child suffering the consequences.