Best friend seems uninterested in her toddler?

[ready4gardneing]

My best friend seems to of lost interest in her toddler and I find her behaviour quite unsettling but wanted some input on my thoughts.

She works part time and has her child in nursery on those days, she also has the child in a day extra in on her day off so she can relax at home etc.

She split with her DC's father when DC was a few months old and the dad has the DC every other weekend.

About 6 weeks ago she started seeing a guy and she says it's quite serious now and they both really like each other.

He has me her DC once when she was unable to find childcare, but he didn't stay over and this was when her DC was in bed for the night.

She rarely spends any time with her DC as even on the weekends when the DC isn't with the dad she will leave her DC with her parents (or ask others including myself) so she can have her boyfriend over.

She seems quite short tempered and fed up with DC now and get frustrated easily with her DC.

When I went to drop her DC back to hers the other day she got her DC out of the car and left her DC to just wonder on behind her (her DC has a habit of running off) and considering they live off a road I was abit shocked.

On the days she see's her boyfriend she will keep DC in the house in a playpen playing so she can get herself ready etc before DC gets picked up.

Before we would both do a lot of activities with her DC and my kids (similar age) but that has all stopped now.

I completely understand she has the right to a life etc but it just seems she has lost interest as all she talks about is her new boyfriend.

She has asked if her DC can come away with me, DH and our DC next weekend for Easter and I have declined no it would be too much with 3 young toddlers to look after.

I can't help but feel sorry for her DC as there dosent seem to be stability anymore.

Maybe I am being too harsh?
AIBU?

Affairs, divorce, financial abuse will do that I am afraid, there is no sugarcoating it.

Poor child, having a domineering drug-dealing 'stepdad' of one month. Probably left alone and ignored all weekend, while feeling ill, so mum can get drunk/drugged/shagged.

Absolutely tell people. Whoever you can get hold of. I can only see this situation getting worse.

I feel so sorry for that child. Imagine being a vulnerable, poorly, young child and the one person who is supposed to care for and protect you wants to palm you off on anyone who’ll have you.

She should be looking after that poor baby as a priority not focusing on her dodgy new partner.

I absolutely don’t blame you for contacting the father. It’s a welfare issue at this point.

As a completely solo parent to a child of a similar age, I am horrified. She sounds like a horrible person aside from this, ie keeping her son away from his dad despite having no valid concerns. I hope the dad gets much, much more contact. I would ditch the friend. Having a man shes known weeks in a house with her baby is abhorrent.

Yes I feel so sorry for that poor little boy.

I really have such a bad feeling about all of this, she has known him for a month and already has now introduced him to her son.

I messaged her ex earlier via a fake account and he is not happy with some random man being around his son and he said all she had to do was ask and he would be so happy to spend the extra time with his son.

I'm watching my gorgeous boy sleeping beside me feeling so sorry for this little boy.

Trust your instincts. If god forbid something happens then you’ll want to feel like you did all you could. This has actually really upset me. I don’t understand how people can care so little about their own babies.

I would have no respect for her left and the friendship would be over for me however I understand wanting to stay a bit close so you can keep an eye on the child. I know it’s probably more than you can manage and you certainly have no obligation to do it but if you are able in any way to have him at least you’d know he was safe and being cared for. Not that you should have to think like that at all. I sincerely hope the father gets a lot more involvement. It’s catch 22 really because taking the child is probably best for him but also helps her continue this cycle of shit behaviour. If the bf is a drug dealer it’s probably only a matter of time before drugs are introduced into the whole shit show too.

Well done for letting the Dad know what's going on OP. Now we just have to hope that he takes action, and gets custody.

Update:
The new man has ditched her.

Apparently over the Bank Holiday he was supposed to be staying from Fri- Mon but went home early on Sunday morning as he realised that he didn't want to pursue a relationship with a single mother who has a very young child.

My friend believes he was put off by spending time with her son etc.

She is really down about it as she really believed it would end up as a serious relationship.

Despite being a "good result" in some ways
...
What a depressing update

That poor little girl...

Thank fuck. He has some sense. Let's hope she takes a while to cool down and reflect, rather than rushing to find another guy.

Err.... what poor little girl?

Good question!
for some reason I read this and extrapolated the DC was a girl...

I'd been thinking boy, so I had a quick check....

"I think she is going to ask her parents if they can have him a few days in the week for a few months just for to have some space."

OP has been pretty careful to say DC or child throughout though.

Thanks for the update OP! Stupid woman, I hope that her ex decides to go for full custody, as she's obviously not cut out to be a single Mum. Do please let us know if this happens, as I would be relieved to hear that her little one is in safer hands.

I desperately hope this gives her the kick up the arse she needs to be more present for her little boy.

Was the DC with them over the bank holiday in the end, or did he go to his Dad’s?

Yes DC was with her the whole bank holiday as she couldn't find childcare.

So the guy came over on Friday as soon as her son went to bed, stayed all of Saturday.

He left Sunday morning after deciding that he wasn't cut out for dating a woman with a toddler.

She is super mad as she was upfront about this at the beginning.
I think he it all became real for him after spending a few days with her and her son.

She says she just feels very lonely.
Im abit concerned as she said she slept with him unprotected a few times and didn't take the morning after pill, she says she defo dosent want another baby any time soon.

friends don’t let friends be bad parents @PrawnAgain🤷🏽‍♀️

At least he had the good grace to bow out early rather than stick around and inevitably start being resentful and probably cruel to the child. Hope she improves her whole attitude and priorities.

Her actions do not say she defo doesn’t want another child anytime soon.

She’s an idiot! And needs to grow the hell-up! She’s highly likely got herself pregnant.

I’m glad he did the decent thing and left rather than stay and resent the child - like the mother seems to be doing at the moment.

Another sad update.
She is back with the guy, her mum actually called me whilst she was at work.

She picked up her son from nursery and then picked the guy up on the way earlier.
Apparently they both missed each other and he wants to try and give it another go.

Her mum thought by refusing to babysit it would
make her stop and think but it's actually gone the opposite way.

It is disgraceful that she has been seeing this guy 6 weeks and he is already so freely around her son.

I did message the father of the son of a fake account and he was really angry.
He wants to go to the Health Visitor about this.

Well, that was a brief 'separation'. Wonder what he wants from her, besides a shag.

(I thought HVs were for babies? What age do they stop being involved?)

A very unpleasant and judgemental message... I'd let her be and live your own life.

I think you need to step away OP. Speak to social services about your concerns for the DC, and speak to the father as well.
Above all DO NOT let her dump her child on you ever again.
No is a complete sentence, as is oft quoted by Mumsnetters