AIBU to prioritise supporting my teens over funding my mum’s rent?

[Lemonspoon123]

I am looking for some MN wisdom to get me out of a bind!
I have a 73 yo DM who works full time and with her partner, is living in privately rented accommodation. They share the rent. He does not work and lives off an inheritance. He is 10 years younger than her. She has been saving her state pension and as a result has around £90k saved. Neither of them own any property.
I am in my fifties and have recently been made redundant from a high paying job and have saved hard over the years. I came from poverty and worked my way up the corporate ladder. I am now without an income ( temporarily 🤞) DH has a well paying job. We have 2 teenage DC, eldest is off to Uni in Sept.
My dilemma is that its been apparent for some time that it will be on me to financially support my mum when she can no longer work, because her pension wont cover her rent. She and her partner are also not keen to move from their idyllic location to cheaper rental in a nearby town.
I have been going round in circles trying to plan what I need to do to financially prepare and feel stuck between financially supporting my mum and at the same time DCa through uni so I can minimise their debt. I also want to make plans for my future and when the kids have left home possibly explore living abroad too. It feels overwhelming to financially support DCs through uni AND my mum and partner, especially without a current income. AIBU to focus more on the DCs and myself? Or is it right to have parents as dependants too? Would really value some perspective and solutions! Thx x

I'd be having a pretty firm conversation about future proofing their life and home now - because I'd not be financially supporting them.

It might be a pain to move now but its a lot less of one now than 5 or 10 years down the line.

I tried and failed (due to my sister sticking her oar in) to get my Dad to downsize 10 years ago. He is now living in a huge house thats falling down around his ears, needs a ton of work (full rewire/replumb), he can't access half of it, its meaning his carer (who was very hard to find as most do not want to work in a falling apart hovel) is spending more time on general tidying/cleaning than looking after him some days... and my sister is really regretting her actions as most of the admin/work falls to her (due to my disabilities).

You would think the pair of them would have listened to the disabled person talking about future proofing and accessibility but noooo... that felt like too much work at the time.

This

I disagree, I prefer a direct approach. Dropping hints about your own situation feels passive aggressive to me.

Your kids come first.
Your mum has plenty of money in the bank and a partner who has access to money.
They can move but don't want to.
OP...why should your kids do without and struggle.

I wonder if there’s a perception amongst your mum and partner that you’re very comfortable and will have pots of cash to spare.

Might be a reach OP but I had to have a strong convo with a family member who assumed due to a good job I’d be able to cover more than I could. No concept of disposable income vs salary I suppose.

Are there any other siblings or others who are feeding the flames or is it all you?

Your DM and her partner need to live with their means. It is totally unacceptable for her to expect you to support them especially when he doesn't work. A sensible chat is called for, where you can kindly let her know you won't be subsidising their lifestyle choices.

If he is 63 he should be working and saving the inheritance.
This is honestly not your problem OP

Why would have to support your DM? She seems to have plenty of money (relatively speaking)

You are not your mothers cash cow

If DM is working fulltime, presumably there will be a work related pension as well as the state pension and her savings.

No they need to move they are adults

Not your problem, don’t even think about it.
They will have two state pensions so they can sort themselves out.

Your mum should know she and her partner should not be living beyond their means. If they need to downgrade to something more modest, then thats life. It shouldnt be your burden to carry her lifestyle choice. Similarly, if your "child" is old enough to go to uni, why arent they doing part time work to fund it? You know what its like to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. It makes you more resilient and appreciative of money. I had to leave home at 17 and found 3 part time jobs to pay my rent and study full time. It wasnt a comfortable life, but as an I adult I am wiser for that experience -and I worked super hard to graduate. Pared down, you actually dont need to be carrying the full burden for either of these family members. Youve worked hard. You deserve to do as you want in your retirement.

Her partner’s got a bloody cheek expressing to you that he’s concerned about money, when he’s living off an inheritance! Does her think he’ll never have to work a day in his life and it’s everyone else’s job to support him?