AIBU to prioritise supporting my teens over funding my mum’s rent?

[Lemonspoon123]

I am looking for some MN wisdom to get me out of a bind!
I have a 73 yo DM who works full time and with her partner, is living in privately rented accommodation. They share the rent. He does not work and lives off an inheritance. He is 10 years younger than her. She has been saving her state pension and as a result has around £90k saved. Neither of them own any property.
I am in my fifties and have recently been made redundant from a high paying job and have saved hard over the years. I came from poverty and worked my way up the corporate ladder. I am now without an income ( temporarily 🤞) DH has a well paying job. We have 2 teenage DC, eldest is off to Uni in Sept.
My dilemma is that its been apparent for some time that it will be on me to financially support my mum when she can no longer work, because her pension wont cover her rent. She and her partner are also not keen to move from their idyllic location to cheaper rental in a nearby town.
I have been going round in circles trying to plan what I need to do to financially prepare and feel stuck between financially supporting my mum and at the same time DCa through uni so I can minimise their debt. I also want to make plans for my future and when the kids have left home possibly explore living abroad too. It feels overwhelming to financially support DCs through uni AND my mum and partner, especially without a current income. AIBU to focus more on the DCs and myself? Or is it right to have parents as dependants too? Would really value some perspective and solutions! Thx x

If she has 90k in savings then she can surely support herself for a decent length of time anyway?

The way I see it is your mum is an adult with several decades of life experience. She shouldn't need to take money from you. On the other hand your children are people that you've chosen to bring into the world and I don't blame you for wanting to prioritise them.

Why would it fall to you to take care of her financially?

She’s got the money to support herself, and she needs to do this.

How much is her rent? Surely she will need to supplement her income from her savings until they are low enough she can apply for some benefits, although she will likely have to move.

I would say that you need to have an open conversation with your mother and basically tell her that you will not be supporting her. She is an adult with a partner and she cannot fall back upon her child to support her. It's best that you have this conversation sooner rather than later, because they might have to move if their rent is too high in their current property. Does she have expectations that you will step in, when she can no longer afford the rent of her current place?

Their finances are their business, your finances are yours OP. The fact that your mother is still working full time at 73 while her 63 year old partner is not says a lot to be honest. They are making financial decisions according to the lifestyle they want and can afford, so not get sucked in to financially supporting two grown adults when your children need you.

Your DM will need to use her savings to pay rent and once exhausted she will need to claim housing benefit (if entitled). She might need to move.

They will have two state pensions.

She has savings. They should use these for any income shortfall - they may not need to move.
Have you always been made to feel a bit responsible for your Mum?

I have no idea why you have reached this conclusion. Why on earth would it be on you to support your mother?

I don't understand why it would be on you to support her? Surely if she doesn't have enough money to get by she should claim benefits such as pension credits? @WhatNoRaisins is right, you have a financial responsibility towards your children, but not your mother.

Don't stress yourself, why should you be thinking that you need to do.this? Has she said so? Anyway, your mum will have her pension(s), her savings, any input from non working partner. If she can't afford it then she moves. Tough, but not your problem.

Your children are your responsibility. Your parents aren't.
Also, if mother has £90k, then she muost definitely does NOT have financial problems, and can easily pay her own bloody rent!

Thanks for the responses everyone. Appreciate it
@WhatNoRaisins I never thought of it like that.

I guess I was thinking the £90k wont last that long, if she gives up work next year for example and lives another 20 years! She will not even entertain a move!

It is absolutely NOT your responsibility to pay your mum's rent. She can jog on. If it gets to the point where they are short of money, they will have to downsize to somewhere cheaper or apply for benefits. Not your problem.

Of course you aren't responsible for your dm's rent. . Your responsibilities are to your dc and them alone..

With £90,000 your DM could buy a retirement apartment outright (and I am in the south of England!). Why continue to pay rent when you can afford to buy? I think she needs to be realistic.

She’s got £90k to cover her rent? Why would it fall to you? In the event that all runs out she may be able to claim UC to cover rent. It’s absolutely not your problem to supplement here, she has plenty of money. Your children are your priority.

Quite!

Option A - use the savings. That's exactly what they're there for.
Option B- the partner covers the shortfall.
Option C - they move to a cheaper property.

Where on earth has Option D - you become responsible for your DM AND the partners idyllic lifestyle, come from??
Has your DM suggested this should be the case?

It's not like you're paying for a care home.
I don't think this should even be a concern for you right now.

Oh, so she won't entertain the idea of a move...

If she thinks you are going to fund her lifestyle, she's got another think coming then, hasn't she?

Thanks @FalseSpring I think I need to sit her down and talk sense to her. She is avoidant by nature and agree she should buy a place. They wont be keen to move though!

This is absolute madness. Of course you shouldn’t have to financially support her.

Shes an adult, she not living alone, she’s had her whole life to think about retirement and she has 90k in savings! If she can’t see things working out financially she needs to down size, simple.

You need to be putting your family unit first, 100%.

I guess I just feel responsible, being a homeowner, having earnt well in life and at the same timd having watched my mum struggle through life has been hard! DM hasnt asked for help, but it is assumed I will because I am so much better off than her.

She will have to if the money runs out.

Don’t overthink this. She has a partner. They need to sort this out between them. I can’t imagine assuming my DS would need to bail me out because I’d rather not move.

You're a fool if you pay her rent