AIBU to prioritise supporting my teens over funding my mum’s rent?

[Lemonspoon123]

I am looking for some MN wisdom to get me out of a bind!
I have a 73 yo DM who works full time and with her partner, is living in privately rented accommodation. They share the rent. He does not work and lives off an inheritance. He is 10 years younger than her. She has been saving her state pension and as a result has around £90k saved. Neither of them own any property.
I am in my fifties and have recently been made redundant from a high paying job and have saved hard over the years. I came from poverty and worked my way up the corporate ladder. I am now without an income ( temporarily 🤞) DH has a well paying job. We have 2 teenage DC, eldest is off to Uni in Sept.
My dilemma is that its been apparent for some time that it will be on me to financially support my mum when she can no longer work, because her pension wont cover her rent. She and her partner are also not keen to move from their idyllic location to cheaper rental in a nearby town.
I have been going round in circles trying to plan what I need to do to financially prepare and feel stuck between financially supporting my mum and at the same time DCa through uni so I can minimise their debt. I also want to make plans for my future and when the kids have left home possibly explore living abroad too. It feels overwhelming to financially support DCs through uni AND my mum and partner, especially without a current income. AIBU to focus more on the DCs and myself? Or is it right to have parents as dependants too? Would really value some perspective and solutions! Thx x

Just be sure you don’t over share—“Our house equity is £x. “We have £x in savings,” etc. Otherwise, you might hear from them, “Well, you said you have £x, therefore you can afford …” They don’t get a vote. Keep your details to yourself.

This is a real lesson in the folly of paying rent over a mortgage. How much money she must have thrown away over the course of her life with nothing to show at the end of it. Some people genuinely can’t afford to buy but she’s got sufficient savings for a deposit and a DP frittering his money way.

You’re not responsible OP for her complete lack of financial planning.

She can claim housing benefit with her pension so she’ll be ok.

OK fair enough. There is a lot of power in setting the agenda here - drawing up the rules of engagement if you like. Don't set up a conversation having "given so much ground" before you even start. For example you could take comments like "oh I hope you'll see me right" to mean that you might pay for them to join your on holiday, not that you fork out their rent month in, month out. Don't let the conversation hinge around what she might think is reasonable, especially if that is a long way from what you think is reasonable. The fact you are asking this question here and formulating your own position is a strong start.

Being a home owner just puts a secure roof over your head. It doesn't give you endless pots of cash to spunk on someone else's rent or living expenses. As well as the small matter of the mortgage a normal bathroom replacement can easily be £10k and they do need doing eventually, kitchens often more, cars need replacing etc. It is completely normal to be a home owner and not to be able to find someone else's life alongside.

She hasnt explicitly asked you, instead she has trained you to feel as if you have to provide for her.
She's manipulative, I'd say she knows exactly what she's doing.

Basically she pays rent out of her savings, essentially topping up her state pension. When her savings fall below £16k , which will be a while if she's only topping up, then she puts in a claim for universal credit local housing allowance (used to be called housing benefit but that's now being phased out) If she doesn't qualify for whatever reason, she'll then have to consider moving somewhere cheaper. Local housing allowance is a set amount depending on their circumstances, so it would normally be maximum of 2 bed rental for a couple on their own.

Ok, given that she's said these things I can see why you might get the idea she's angling for financial support. Maybe she's not, but it's ambiguous at least. Albeit you possibly are over-emphasising this because you're worried about finances now.

Clearly it's not unreasonable to prioritise supporting your own DC over a parent with 90k in the bank, presumably at least some state pension, a partner who can work plus probably has his own state pension coming up in a few years and plenty of scope to find cheaper accommodation. If she brings it up again, start talking about how dear teens are, much more than you'd expected, and how you're going to have to contribute loads when they're at uni.

If he is worried about the finances then he needs to sort it out with your mum. He is a grown adult.

Why the fuck does her partner not get a job if he's that worried. This is absolutely not your responsibility OP.

That’s up to her.

Assumed by who?

Thanks @Everybodys

its true that I am generally worried about ££ seeing as I dont have an income at the moment. Also its dawning on me how expensive Uni will be!!

Why is it up to you to tell them to look at accommodation options? They need to sort out their own affairs. Unless they ask for help thinking it through, I wouldn’t bring it up.

Presumably OP's mum has told him he doesnt need to work because @Lemonspoon123 will support them both, OP is a kind of sugar mummy by proxy, Op's money is part of the deal and that's why he stays with her?

I have no idea why you feel this is your responsibility to fix. She’s not struggling, she’s saved £90k! She’s not up to you to sort her accommodation out. She’s a grown up and so is her partner. Just step back and let them get on with it.

The partner had not worked for years but expects you to find him when his inheritance runs out?

She should be using her £90k savings to pay her own rent and when that runs out, if her and her partner don’t have other savings and depending on their pension situation, they might be eligible for housing benefit?

The two of them have substantial savings on which they could be earning 4.5% if they shop around for a good rate, that would provide them with some income.
Or they could buy an annuity?

She has 90k in savings, she isn’t struggling.

If he's worried then he needs to get a job.

I'd be talking about how worried you are about money with losing your job and 2 children off to university and they might take the hint.

I think you need to be quite clear with her that your children are your priority and you won't be supporting her lifestyle choices.

You don't have to do either OP.

Her savings, his inheritance and the interest on those top up her pension to minimum wage equivalent for over 7 years on the state pension amount possibly longer if she's got a private pension on top of and his inheritance amount. It could be the joint savings and inheritance give minimum wage equivalent until he retires or longer at which point 2 pensions is minimum wage.

@Lemonspoon123 you have no responsibility here whatsoever.

She is an adult and needs to plan for her own retirement. If she cannot sustain her current lifestyle when she retires then she will need to find cheaper housing.

It is not your issue. You should NOT be giving her money!!

Your priority is your own children. Not someone who has options and needs to live without their own means.

I think this is good. Every time one of them brings up anything remotely financial, come back with how worried you are about losing your job and the university costs and lay it on.

If her partner dares to mention how worried he is about their financial situation, look him square in the eyes and say well, you could always get a job. Or think about moving to a cheaper area.

You are not their money tree. He's got a fucking nerve.

I mean, how wealthy ARE you? If you and DH were both on v high salaries for example with millions in savings and pension then yes I would probably help out.