AIBU to prioritise supporting my teens over funding my mum’s rent?

[Lemonspoon123]

I am looking for some MN wisdom to get me out of a bind!
I have a 73 yo DM who works full time and with her partner, is living in privately rented accommodation. They share the rent. He does not work and lives off an inheritance. He is 10 years younger than her. She has been saving her state pension and as a result has around £90k saved. Neither of them own any property.
I am in my fifties and have recently been made redundant from a high paying job and have saved hard over the years. I came from poverty and worked my way up the corporate ladder. I am now without an income ( temporarily 🤞) DH has a well paying job. We have 2 teenage DC, eldest is off to Uni in Sept.
My dilemma is that its been apparent for some time that it will be on me to financially support my mum when she can no longer work, because her pension wont cover her rent. She and her partner are also not keen to move from their idyllic location to cheaper rental in a nearby town.
I have been going round in circles trying to plan what I need to do to financially prepare and feel stuck between financially supporting my mum and at the same time DCa through uni so I can minimise their debt. I also want to make plans for my future and when the kids have left home possibly explore living abroad too. It feels overwhelming to financially support DCs through uni AND my mum and partner, especially without a current income. AIBU to focus more on the DCs and myself? Or is it right to have parents as dependants too? Would really value some perspective and solutions! Thx x

He won't draw state pension for 4 more years and depending on his employment record that might not be the full pension (12.5k). How did they think the rent would be paid or is there an expectation of payment? He got an inheritance. How much was it, how much is left?

How exactly did it become apparent that you are expected to subsidise rent? And once it became apparent, why isn't you set the record straight?

If my mum was single and struggling, I would absolutely help her in any way I could (not that she would ever think of asking me and also I don't have any dependents) but my mum also has a partner and, as much as I love him, I certainly would not be in any way inclined to finance him as well.

Look, she's not struggling now if she's got nearly £100K in the bank! A lot of pensioners don't have £100 in the bank. I would just keep asking how she's going to fund things and look shocked if your name crops up.

If your mum hasn't said anything, how has it become apparent that you are expected to sub her rent? If she has been dropping hints then you need to knock it on the head asap.
"So Mum, if you won't move, how do you plan to pay your rent when you retire? Because obvs I won't be able to help, I have children to support."

Not your responsibility, it's on her and her partner to fund their life. Yanbu do not support your mum and her partner financially.

Are you sure you’re that much better off? Bearing in mind she has 90k - 90 k is a lot!

Your DC are financially dependent on you until they are in employment. Your DM is not Your dependent.
Your redundancy is a compensation payment for the loss of your employment.
You should claim UC or ESA for yourself while you are unemployed. By submitting a claim then your national insurance contributions continue to be paid.

Will she also be drawing a works pension? She will have been in receipt of State Pension for the last 8 years hence the savings but is there another income due when/if she retires? In the event of her death would her partner be able to afford the rent and similarly if he were to die would she get any money he has?

Why should you responsible for a working age male who has chosen to not work?

I have every sympathy for elderly parents of both ork, live in affordable accommodation,

Option E is :
they move somewhere cheaper, they both work until 75 and any contribution you make is matched by the chikdren of your mum’s partner!! Or is that not the way they think they are going to be financed.

She's not struggling by the sounds of it.

She's choosing to work - great.
Her partner is choosing not to work - fine he's got inheritance
She has savings - fantastic
They can support each other.
If they can't they can move, claim benefits etc.

Your mum is not your responsibility with almost £100,000 in the bank!

She can fund herself to begin with. When it runs out she could apply for housing benefit. Though in an ideal world she would plan accordingly and rent a cheaper place within her means

I suspect we have a different definition of 'struggle'.

I'm retired and 90k in savings is an absolute fortune for me.

Thanks @BlueMum16

I think I need to tell them they need to look at other accommodation options and that I will not be subsidising rent

This thread has helped me crystallise my thoughts, thanks all. I was really uncomfortable with offering this type of support and it seems I was not crazy to feel this way!!

Do you own a property @Hatty65

Have you heard of Codependency? Something I realised I have after some counselling sessions. I feel the need to fix everyone's problems even when they haven't asked and don't expect me to...

Given you're financially well off and your mother's £90k savings, have you considered buying a property together? If you feel like you could end up paying rent in the end, would a mortgage be preferable, and leave you with an asset that will hopefully have risen in value and possibly be passed to your children in future?

She really doesn't seem to be struggling now @Lemonspoon123 . She has considerable savings, a job and a partner.
He may not work, but she's made the choice to accept that (I can't think of anything less attractive... Unless we're talking millions in which case I wouldn't be working FT at 73!!).

I really think you can lay this burden down, it's not yours to carry.

Yes I have considered this @Bake and agree it could be a solution if I can get DM to engage in a conversation about the future!!

They have to move, that’s what I’ll have to do when I retire.

Sorry but she can't be choosy where she lives if she has rented all her life and has a partner who could be working and saving the inheritance for their dotage, or better yet pool their money and buy a small one bed flat somewhere cheaper. It's one of my fears as i rented I'm London a long time and moved away because I do not want to be renting into my old age and couldn't afford to buy in my naice area. You absolutely shouldn't be funding anyone but yourself and your kids.

Who assumed this? Did she? You? Some other relative?

My mum stayed home with us so has a bit of a challenging financial situation in retirement (my parents divorced when I was a teenager). We treat her to things when she comes (we live overseas) but I would never think her day to day expenses are up to us. She has a small flat that she likes and is careful with money and is fine. If she genuinely couldn’t eat or something like that I’d have a serious chat with my husband, but it doesn’t sound like your mum is anywhere near that situation for years and years if ever.

Sheltered housing and pension. It’s not clear where you live but up here in West Yorkshire there are lots of council bungalows one bedroom for pensioners. She needs to get her name down for something like that. You shouldn’t be paying for her op x

@Lemonspoon123
It does sound a bit like it is you who has got the idea about subsidising them.
It’s difficult to see here why you would think this, although you probably have your reasons.
They will make decisions based on what they have when the time comes.

why would you pay rent when she has savings. I dont get this with a certain age group. I saw this at work probate. Elderly person died leaving substantial savings, family no idea as they were constantly saying they had no money, pension wouldn’t stretch etc etc.

Hold up. Why do you need to be telling them anything? What has their living arrangement got to do with you?
Have they asked for your help?
Have they asked for your opinion?

They are grown adults, self-sustaining their own lifestyle. Why do you have any say at all?

Has your DM actually said that is what she expects or are you just assuming? If she’s told you that, then you just make it clear that actually no, she needs to work out how she supports herself - with her savings, his savings, their pension and by moving.

If you’re just assuming, then stop. It’s not your responsibility and no-one expects it to be.