AIBU to prioritise supporting my teens over funding my mum’s rent?

[Lemonspoon123]

I am looking for some MN wisdom to get me out of a bind!
I have a 73 yo DM who works full time and with her partner, is living in privately rented accommodation. They share the rent. He does not work and lives off an inheritance. He is 10 years younger than her. She has been saving her state pension and as a result has around £90k saved. Neither of them own any property.
I am in my fifties and have recently been made redundant from a high paying job and have saved hard over the years. I came from poverty and worked my way up the corporate ladder. I am now without an income ( temporarily 🤞) DH has a well paying job. We have 2 teenage DC, eldest is off to Uni in Sept.
My dilemma is that its been apparent for some time that it will be on me to financially support my mum when she can no longer work, because her pension wont cover her rent. She and her partner are also not keen to move from their idyllic location to cheaper rental in a nearby town.
I have been going round in circles trying to plan what I need to do to financially prepare and feel stuck between financially supporting my mum and at the same time DCa through uni so I can minimise their debt. I also want to make plans for my future and when the kids have left home possibly explore living abroad too. It feels overwhelming to financially support DCs through uni AND my mum and partner, especially without a current income. AIBU to focus more on the DCs and myself? Or is it right to have parents as dependants too? Would really value some perspective and solutions! Thx x

Agreed. It’s really not any of your business OP
Has your mum actually broached this with you? It doesn’t sound like it from your posts

Any chance of looking into cheaper property for them? But I get that families help each other is this just a result of your DM worrying about not working? I’ve not really heard of adult children paying their parents rent but cost of living has maybe scarred her to think her money won’t last.

How do you know it is assumed that you will help? Is it possible your mum has her own plan and no intention of thrusting herself on your charity at all? On the face of it, it sounds a bit of a mismatch with someone who's still got the capability, drive and self discipline to be still working FT at 73. Definitely something to explore with her.

Of course you may well be right, but I would just say tread carefully if there is any doubt. My parents would be deeply offended if I assumed they were expecting me to pay their rent.

Address two birds with one stone.

Rented extra-care if possible, they're old enough to be the able-bodied element & if they decline, they have support.

They cannot stick their heads in the sand & if they won't address this, than that's their choice.

My dilemma is that its been apparent for some time that it will be on me to financially support my mum when she can no longer work, because her pension wont cover her rent.

No it won't be on you ....why would it be?

I am retired and have no expectation that any of my AC might take any financial responsibility for me.

I can't imagine why you think it is down to you .... or has she asked for this?

To be clear, She hasn’t explicitly asked for help, but its comments here and there over the years on how I am lucky to have a good income, lucky to have holidays, how nice to have spare cash, how she hopes that me and my DB are “good to her” in the future. Also her partner mentioned to me recently that he’s worried about their financial situation in the future. I guess this is where my assumptions have come from,

Has she actually asked, or is this all in your head? I wouldn’t bring it up, tbh. She’s an adult with an adult partner. They can make their own decisions. If she asks you, that’s different, and I wouldn’t have any problems explaining why you can’t subsidise her for the next 20 years or more. But right now, it’s only your problem if you make it so.

Have you always been an interfering busybody OP? Your mother is a fully grown adult, as is her partner. It's up to them to make decisions about their lifestyle, not you.

If you haven’t had the conversation, how do you know that there is an assumption that you’ll be paying?

She's going to have to be looking at downsizing.

Would you seriously deprive your kids of necessary financial assistance for higher education to fund your mom living beyond her means? Letting your kids assume so much school debt cripples them before they even get started .

Your mom's a big girl and she and her partner are ridiculous if they expect you to fund a lifestyle where they want to be but can't afford at the expense of your kids.

Has she talked about this with you?

I think a lot of older people don't get how student debt accumulates and how much it puts young people behind in life. Add the cost of living and housing to that and young people are screwed.

whats your instinct on there housing situation is it too big or perfect for their needs? Expensive retirement property? You can offer some practical help researching options to cheaper rent but assuming they are expecting you to pay sounds like a big leap.

If he's worried, he can get a job then! Plenty of 65 year olds still work. Even if he worked for just a few years it would help to build their savings pot.

I’ve found often over the years that when I have an uneasy feeling or worry about a situation potentially occurring in the future, I’m prone to read too much into off the cuff remarks and fill in their potential meaning with the narrative I’m most worried about.
Often completely without cause.

That’s fair! I am a bit of a worrier

Agree wholeheartedly

What her partner means is that he was hoping to pocket the 90k when she dies, and hopes you can cover costs so she doesnt dip in to it, leaving less for him.

In your scenario it wouldn’t occur to me to be responsible for my DM’s finances. She works, has a 90k buffer and has a younger partner. It’s on her.

She’s an adult. Your children, are well, children.

Of course over the next 10-20 years she’ll need your help and support and of course you can step in financially time to time if you feel the need, i.e bag of shopping here and there or sorting out her car insurance, but I think you’ve jumped the gun massively to be assuming it’s your role to financially support her for the rest of her days.

Your children are your priority. Your mum should downsize and plan how to make her £90k last for as long as possible. You aren’t responsible for your mum’s bad choices.

I actually dont think he knows about it, which is why he’s worried. They seem to not discuss their finances. I’ve Never been comfortable with that

I actually dont think he knows about it, which is why he’s worried. They seem to not discuss their finances. I’ve Never been comfortable with that

Sorry if I have missed an update somewhere but has your mum actually said she will expect you to take care of her financially? It sounds like you could be catastrophising a bit, maybe due to losing your job you have thought a lot deeper about things? I don't mean that disrespectfully as it's something I do. I tend to ruminate over hyperthetical situations and I get consumed by it. If that's not the case and she has mentioned it then conversations need to be had with your cards on the table. You are absolutely right to put your family first and you have your own future to secure.

He’s worried about their financial situation? Not worried enough to get a job though hey? He’s only 63.

At the moment, they’re not really helping themselves. They can move somewhere cheaper plus her partner could also work, considering he’s 10 years younger than your mum. And it’s a massive assumption of both of them, thinking that you should help them in the future.

This was the kind of thing my DM was trying to set me up for. She frittered away so much money over the years and then expected I would be responsible for her. No.

Whatever your DM decides to do she will have to provide for herself.

But she’ll carry on getting her pension so the savings won’t be used for everything. It will be the top up.