AIBU to prioritise supporting my teens over funding my mum’s rent?

[Lemonspoon123]

I am looking for some MN wisdom to get me out of a bind!
I have a 73 yo DM who works full time and with her partner, is living in privately rented accommodation. They share the rent. He does not work and lives off an inheritance. He is 10 years younger than her. She has been saving her state pension and as a result has around £90k saved. Neither of them own any property.
I am in my fifties and have recently been made redundant from a high paying job and have saved hard over the years. I came from poverty and worked my way up the corporate ladder. I am now without an income ( temporarily 🤞) DH has a well paying job. We have 2 teenage DC, eldest is off to Uni in Sept.
My dilemma is that its been apparent for some time that it will be on me to financially support my mum when she can no longer work, because her pension wont cover her rent. She and her partner are also not keen to move from their idyllic location to cheaper rental in a nearby town.
I have been going round in circles trying to plan what I need to do to financially prepare and feel stuck between financially supporting my mum and at the same time DCa through uni so I can minimise their debt. I also want to make plans for my future and when the kids have left home possibly explore living abroad too. It feels overwhelming to financially support DCs through uni AND my mum and partner, especially without a current income. AIBU to focus more on the DCs and myself? Or is it right to have parents as dependants too? Would really value some perspective and solutions! Thx x

I’m confused, does your mother expect you to support her?

'They share the rent. He does not work and lives off an inheritance. He is 10 years younger than her. She has been saving her state pension and as a result has around £90k saved.'...Seriously?!
This stood out for me and I totally agree with what most other posters have said in that you should not in any way be expected to be responsible financially for your Mother unless she is alone and destitute maybe? 🙄
I love that you say 'she will not entertain a move' well we would like to live in a big detached house overlooking the sea but WE CAN'T AFFORD IT so we can't! 😥
Sorry to say this but your Mum needs to live in the real world and come to terms with the fact that life is hard for many folks who are in far worse situation that she is or will ever be...in other words, she needs to grow up and accept with grace that your commitment should be to your own family and not to her...😊

You are mad to think you are responsible. I wish I had £90000 going into retirement!!

Is AC a typo for DC, or is there yet another abbreviation I don't know? 😄

The way to think about it that both you and DM have made choices. Yours have seen you work hard, have a successful career and earn well, save money and plan ahead. Your DM has made different choices and continues to do so ie you say she won’t entertain a move, she has a partner not working etc

Not your responsibility to compensate for her poor choices.

what if the landlord wishes to sell up? Mum would have to move in that eventuality

Exactly.

Get in there with your own money worries, totally separate to her talking about hers. Cut her off at the pass, so to speak.

That is a wild thing to assume - your mum will have to fund her own retirement and cut her cloth accordingly!

Tbh, I don't think you do need to sit her down and discuss her finances. What would you think if she tried to discuss your finances/future planning?
I think you should mind your own business and let your mum and her partner sort themselves out.
Remember mum will be getting her state pension every 4 weeks as well as having her savings to fall back on. Her partner will presumably also be able to draw his State Pension when he is 67 they will be fine and if not they are adults able to make adult decisions.

Time to set some boundaries.

I'm with those saying no to a conversation, frank or otherwise.

Paying our parents' living costs is generally not a "thing" and discussing it unprompted will suddenly make it one.

OP's DM will doubtless deny dropping hints anyway.

OP should start voicing her own money concerns so her mother will hopefully get the message without any unnecessary awkward conversations.

This is so weird. No, of course you shouldn’t find the lifestyle of your mother who has 90k in savings and refuses to move.

This and when her savings are under £6k she can claim pension credit.

It's all in OP's posts, just have a quick catch-up.

She's an adult and hasn't asked you for anything. Maybe you just need to mind your own business?

And what happens if dm dies before the partner and he refuses to move out and then at rent to you? He could go till he’s 100+!! Worst idea after paying her rent!!

I’m guessing that AC = adult children but don’t take my word for it, I could be completely wrong 😄

Your mother is not destitute OP.
She has a state pension, savings and employment.
If she put forward £1000 a month towards her rent and her pension that is £2000 . If she's paying that at 50% what the hell is she renting?
Royal lodge!
My worry would be the might want to move in with you.
My parents did this and I ended up as their carer. They blew all their money (house sale, early retirement payment, £200k plus 25+ years ago) and I paid for everything for 18 years. Cost me hundreds of thousands in accommodation, carers and lost earnings. I had the big job and was the most successful of my siblings. They were useless and grabby.
I fell ill and my money is nearly all gone. Both my DC supported their selves through uni as we just didn't have it.
Perhaps the looking after comment is about co living and I advise you not to do it. It nearly killed me and I have life long health issues because of it. Your mum also needs to be careful around a 63 year old who doesn't work. Does he think she's rich? fwiw you can get a mortgage up to 80 these days. It just needs to have a repayment vehicle such as pension lump sum.

Yup - that would be it. Thanks 👍🏻

Similar situation here -I support both my parents - it fell on me to do so but they don't have £90k in savings - the small pension they get goes towards food etc - if they did have significant savings - it would have gone towards a more permanent place for them to live.. I ended up buying a small flat for them to live in.. that way I have a small investment and they don't have rent. Your mum needs to think about how she is going to fund her lifestyle if she refuses to move as her current situation isn't a long term solution.

Not the same but I have elderly parents they also are acting like I owe them now they retired, they constantly moan how much cost of living is yet they were given a house in their 20s that house is now risen in value. I had a good salary 9-5 job but due to their continued demands constant calls daily it all got too much when I was working as a single parent with looking after a teen. Im now in a much worse financial position now job hunting but this week they dropped hints about me funding a caravan purchase 100k on promise of future inheritance. I’m very angry that they see me as someone who should rescue them just because they decided to make irresponsible financial decisions.

Prioritise your kids! They get first dibs - always.

I hope you don't comply with any of this. Some people become very self-centered as they get older, possibly without realising it, but that doesn't mean you have to obey them!

Thank you no I won’t be complying as I certainly don’t intend to raise money for my parents. I have changed all my finances so my son will benefit from any savings I have. He may or may not go to uni (an opportunity I had) and those funds could enable that. My parents have a house which they can sell if they want to buy a depreciating asset and risk financial insecurity of rising caravan pitch rents which at over 70 I think is crazy but as an adult I can only advise and detach. It’s hard to live your own life as a adult when you have emotional ties with elderly parents.

My parents bought a top end caravan when they retired. Turned into a money pit. Within five years it was sold back to Haven for 20% of the cost. Total rip off.