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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to prioritise supporting my teens over funding my mum’s rent?

189 replies

Lemonspoon123 · 25/03/2026 17:06

I am looking for some MN wisdom to get me out of a bind!
I have a 73 yo DM who works full time and with her partner, is living in privately rented accommodation. They share the rent. He does not work and lives off an inheritance. He is 10 years younger than her. She has been saving her state pension and as a result has around £90k saved. Neither of them own any property.
I am in my fifties and have recently been made redundant from a high paying job and have saved hard over the years. I came from poverty and worked my way up the corporate ladder. I am now without an income ( temporarily 🤞) DH has a well paying job. We have 2 teenage DC, eldest is off to Uni in Sept.
My dilemma is that its been apparent for some time that it will be on me to financially support my mum when she can no longer work, because her pension wont cover her rent. She and her partner are also not keen to move from their idyllic location to cheaper rental in a nearby town.
I have been going round in circles trying to plan what I need to do to financially prepare and feel stuck between financially supporting my mum and at the same time DCa through uni so I can minimise their debt. I also want to make plans for my future and when the kids have left home possibly explore living abroad too. It feels overwhelming to financially support DCs through uni AND my mum and partner, especially without a current income. AIBU to focus more on the DCs and myself? Or is it right to have parents as dependants too? Would really value some perspective and solutions! Thx x

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 25/03/2026 18:36

She has 90000 paying interest each year.
Sorted.
When it runs out she gets pension credit .
Sorted.
She has a partner
Sorted.
Not your issue at all.

MrsMoastyToasty · 25/03/2026 18:36

Your DM and her DP have made their life choices. They can live with the consequences.

I'm repeating myself BUT claim unemployment benefit.

Blogswife · 25/03/2026 18:37

Why is it your responsibility Op ? Your DM has a state pension , 90k and a DH with an inheritance. They need to live within their means
Don’t give it another thought unless they ask - then say no !

cestlavielife · 25/03/2026 18:37

Just leave dm and her partner to make their own choices
Unless she asks your advice dont get involved

thepariscrimefiles · 25/03/2026 18:39

Lemonspoon123 · 25/03/2026 17:19

I guess I just feel responsible, being a homeowner, having earnt well in life and at the same timd having watched my mum struggle through life has been hard! DM hasnt asked for help, but it is assumed I will because I am so much better off than her.

Do you know why your mum has never paid into a workplace or private pension?

If she will only have her state pension when she retires plus her £90k savings and won't be able to afford the rent on their current home, they will have to move to somewhere cheaper.

It really isn't your responsibility to fund their lifestyle. Her partner has retired before reaching state pension age so I would be very reluctant to make a monthly contribution when he could still be working and earning.

Inertia · 25/03/2026 18:39

She hasn’t explicitly asked your for money, so I wouldn’t approach from that angle.

I’d have a chat with her from the approach of being worried about your own finances- redundancy, cost of university for the children.

You know she has managed to be self-sufficient and build up savings so you are after some advice about getting through a financially tricky spot.

HoraceGoesBonkers · 25/03/2026 18:39

Pair of manipulative bastards. He's quite clearly lining you up to pay for things so he gets to doss about off your money and gets as much as he can off your Mum too; a double whammy. Shows how much he cares about you and your kids.

I'd start off by dropping some of your own hints about how expensive it is for the kids to go to uni.

If you outright say to your Mum you can't keep her will she then just pretend she has never inferred you should?

Buying a property sounds reasonable but I wouldn't do it if her partner is going to get lifetime occupancy or anything similar.

firstofallimadelight · 25/03/2026 18:40

I don’t know what 90k of pension will look like annually but she will get state pension too which is about 1k a month

Yardbrushes · 25/03/2026 18:41

Well done for opening this thread.
You obligations are to your minor children who are completely dependent on you.
Encourage your children to get part time jobs during university.
It is great at instilling time management skills and focus.
Your mothers housing is not your responsibility and being good to her is one thing and very subjective, it certainly doesn't include paying for her housing.
She needs to make provision for herself.
Do not bring up this conversation with her.

PistachioTiramisu · 25/03/2026 18:44

Swiftie1878 · 25/03/2026 17:11

I have no idea why you have reached this conclusion. Why on earth would it be on you to support your mother?

Out of love and gratitude for everything her mother did for her, perhaps?

Jopo12 · 25/03/2026 18:45

You absolutely mustn't support your mum unless you are really very wealthy!
If you have 2 kids at uni in the future, then you will be expected to pay their living costs yourself, which will be around £10k per year, each, for 3 years. SO that's £60k. What if one wants to do a masters? Or changes course and has another year? Another £10k.

If you have anything spare after that, then you should be putting money in junior S&S ISAs for them to save for a house deposit, as bank of mum and dad is really going to be the only way most young adults get on the housing ladder in the near future (in fact some reports say that's already the case)

What about your pension? You need to make sure you have enough for a good standard of living in your retirement - you need more than you think if you don't have a defined benefit pension from work.

And finally, if there's anyhting left over, contribute to a junior pension for each of your kids - then when they work they can start paying into immediately without having to decide whether to, where, how much, what funds.....

On the other hand, your mum has £90k in savings which will last a while.

She'll have her state pension - which could be above the minimum. If it's below the minimum she'll get pension credits and housing support, warm home fund etc. If her health deteriorates, she can get attendance allowance.

She might have to move, but that's normal for elderly people. As mobility deteriorates most people want something smaller and low maintenance anyway.

I really don't think you need to worry about her beyond taking her for a nice meal now and then.

If she's expecting more than that, then you should make clear now that with financial responsibility for 2 kids, you can't afford another dependant.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 25/03/2026 18:46

You need to take a BIG step back OP. Inserting yourself into conversation on this topic just infers that you are in some way part of the solution- the very opposite of what you want to be seen as.
Grey rock every time it comes up, offer the obvious answer (get a job/downsize etc) only and refuse to be drawn into it
They are two adults. Let them sort out their own mess

MrsChristmasHasResigned · 25/03/2026 18:58

Coconutter24 · 25/03/2026 17:09

Why would it fall to you to take care of her financially?

Great question and my first thought too!

OP, you mum is an adult. As is her partner. You do not owe them anything. Sounds like you need to have a frank conversation with her about your fears for her future and her need to make plans for herself.

Lemonspoon123 · 25/03/2026 19:03

Thanks @Jopo12 v helpful

OP posts:
Lemonspoon123 · 25/03/2026 19:07

DC are 16 and 18 and already have Saturday jobs because they realise how important work ethic/financial independence is

They could probably teach DMs partner a thing or two!

OP posts:
mindutopia · 25/03/2026 19:16

My mum and stepdad sold their (mortgaged £350k ish) home in their early 70s to move to a seafront flat which they rent for £2500 per month. Is it idiotic? Yes. But my mum has always been very much a ‘If I want it, I will have it!’ sort of person. They have good pensions, but I’m not sure what happened to the money from the house. I guess that’s what they use to pay their massive rent every month. 🤷🏻‍♀️ What will happen if one or both needs care, I don’t know. It won’t be me doing any of it though as we don’t even live in the same country.

jetlag92 · 25/03/2026 19:18

Address it now. Why would your mother need you to cover her?

Pedallleur · 25/03/2026 19:20

firstofallimadelight · 25/03/2026 18:40

I don’t know what 90k of pension will look like annually but she will get state pension too which is about 1k a month

The 90k is the pension she has been receiving from reaching pension age. So approx 11k x 8 yrs. As the mother was working this was spare money.

PepsiBook · 25/03/2026 19:25

Do not assume.
You are not responsible for your mum and her lazy, not working partner. Absolutely not.
Most grandmas would want to help their grandkids, not have their own kids pay their rent!

Popworks · 25/03/2026 19:27

My friend and her husband pay for her inlaws rent, but they're in the US and her poor FIL was diagnosed with cancer just after losing his job ( and linked health insurance) which cost them $$$ and their house. That's literally the only time I would consider doing it - when someone has suffered real misfortune. Not when they just want a fancier home and haven't planned ahead! I would save the money for your own retirement to make sure you never have to put this pressure on your children.

disturbia · 25/03/2026 19:29

Your don't have to support your mum. She can live off her 90k savings plus her partner can contribute to the rent. When she is no longer working and got down to less than 15k she can claim pension credit which entitles her to other benefits and probably some housing benefit towards her rent.

Cherrysoup · 25/03/2026 19:35

Her dp spoke to you about his worries? Behind her back?! How about he gets a job? All our local supermarkets appear employ older people.

I think you're making a massive assumption that you'll have to support her. You won't, she has huge savings and can look to move/apply for benefits. Bloke 2 doors down from me, 70 something, gave up work over 20 years ago and admits he and his deceased dp never planned for the future so he survives in housing association flat on benefits. Never without a fag (roll ups, to be fair).

SylvanMoon · 25/03/2026 19:50

Lemonspoon123 · 25/03/2026 17:16

Thanks @FalseSpring I think I need to sit her down and talk sense to her. She is avoidant by nature and agree she should buy a place. They wont be keen to move though!

I'm not sure why you even think it's your responsibility to do her financial planning for her this way. Unless she's asked you for advice or said that she will be counting on you to support her, it's really up to her. I'm also curious what sort of work she is engaged in at 73 and still working full-time. And if her partner is "living off an inheritance" and doesn't feel the need to get a job, it must be a significant amount of money he's inherited. It is definitely not up to you to provide for them in the future if they can't be bothered to plan for themselves now.

IrishSelkie · 25/03/2026 20:24

Lemonspoon123 · 25/03/2026 17:19

I guess I just feel responsible, being a homeowner, having earnt well in life and at the same timd having watched my mum struggle through life has been hard! DM hasnt asked for help, but it is assumed I will because I am so much better off than her.

Stop assuming. Also you aren’t better off than your mum. She has £90k in savings and her partner is living off an inheritance. They are fine. If they can’t afford the rent, that is the landlord’s problem, not yours.

Do not support your mother financially.

IrishSelkie · 25/03/2026 20:25

Thanks I think I need to sit her down and talk sense to her. She is avoidant by nature and agree she should buy a place. They wont be keen to move though!

Unless they can buy a place with cash, they won’t be able to. They won’t qualify for a mortgage.