AIBU to prioritise supporting my teens over funding my mum’s rent?

[Lemonspoon123]

I am looking for some MN wisdom to get me out of a bind!
I have a 73 yo DM who works full time and with her partner, is living in privately rented accommodation. They share the rent. He does not work and lives off an inheritance. He is 10 years younger than her. She has been saving her state pension and as a result has around £90k saved. Neither of them own any property.
I am in my fifties and have recently been made redundant from a high paying job and have saved hard over the years. I came from poverty and worked my way up the corporate ladder. I am now without an income ( temporarily 🤞) DH has a well paying job. We have 2 teenage DC, eldest is off to Uni in Sept.
My dilemma is that its been apparent for some time that it will be on me to financially support my mum when she can no longer work, because her pension wont cover her rent. She and her partner are also not keen to move from their idyllic location to cheaper rental in a nearby town.
I have been going round in circles trying to plan what I need to do to financially prepare and feel stuck between financially supporting my mum and at the same time DCa through uni so I can minimise their debt. I also want to make plans for my future and when the kids have left home possibly explore living abroad too. It feels overwhelming to financially support DCs through uni AND my mum and partner, especially without a current income. AIBU to focus more on the DCs and myself? Or is it right to have parents as dependants too? Would really value some perspective and solutions! Thx x

What is it about the idyllic location that your Mum loves so much ? will it be suitable for her needs if she needs a hip replacement or can no longer drive ? so is there a bathroom downstairs and is it on a regular public transport route ?
What suits her now as someone who is working might not be so idyllic in 5 years time ? If its a bit remote it might end up feeling like a prison !

Also can she be absolutely sure that the landlord won't want or need to sell at some point in the future ?
Before considering handing any money over, they need to consider where their next move would be to should they need to move. As they are both over 55 get them to start looking at social housing properties for this age group and what is available in the local area.
Private retirement flats might be relatively cheap to buy but they might struggle to keep up with the ongoing costs of living in one, once she stops working, depending on her pension.

Their lack of planning is not your emergency.

Trust me, this can go on a while. I stressed like anything about my DM when she was in her 60s & 70s...now I'm nearly that age...

Good grief, she’s a grown adult with a partner - of course you don’t have to pay her rent! She’ll have to move if they don’t have the money - this is not your responsibility. If you want to give her some money that’s up to you, but surely your children for whom you do have a responsibility come first.

YADNBU,

You are on the right track OP, support your DCs first.

Depending on the size of his inheritance they may well have enough to buy a place outright.
If I were the OP I think I would send clear messages that I have no spare funds, & ignore any hints that I should be supporting them.
If they mention lack of money I'd make suggestions as to what their financial options are and then leave them to make their own choices out of the options available to them.

Could you encourage her to put her savings and some of her partner's into buying a small flat ? Then her state pension should be enough for her share of bills. But has she really got no pension from her job?

Echoing others, OP - do NOT fall into the trap of supporting your mother financially - IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!
She has had her own life, made her own choices - and it is NOT on you to remedy any mistakes or oversights she has made…

Its not your job to fund your mum's retirement. Why do you think it is?

Exactly. So why is this going to be your problem?

Well don't assume.

"I'm not lucky. I have worked hard to get where I am so I can support my DC and myself. Especially for retirement. Doesnt everyone do that. I wouldn't want to live off my dc"

She may live another 20 years - so 12x 20x whatever monthly sum you decide to give her -with a cost of living rising so it will gradually increase. Just don’t get involved in this.

Well the two of them need to get their heads together and make a plan for their future together. They need to work out how much they need to live on and plan from there.

I mean if he is so worried, why is he not working? He’s still quite young to retire if he can’t really afford to.

I wouldn’t even give it a second thought from your point of view - you have your own financial worries to think about!

"It is assumed" by who?

If elderly people can't pay their rent, there are benefits available to them. If she needs to move to somewhere with cheaper rent, she'll have to do that. This isn't "on you" unless you choose that path.

Even if you do decide to help a bit in the end, don't do so until every penny of the 90k spent and any benefits she's then eligible for claimed. This could easily segue into you paying for the cleaner / gardener / carer / care home while she sits on 90k for no reason. Don't help people who refuse to help themselves.

Nope there’s no way I’d be supporting my mother. You have your own family and life to think about. She’s an adult!
sorry but no. She will need to use her savings or move to a more affordable property.
you’ve worked hard for what you have. You shouldn’t have to be thinking of her. Just my opinion

Of course you should prioritise your children!

It's not your fault your mum has made poor life choices.
She could quite easily use this pension money for a house deposit. She may have to keep working longer than she wants to.

She lives off her state pension and savings then applies for pension credit as and when savings run out. She will get interest on savings too. She could then look at sheltered accommodation or housing association properties.

I may have voted the wrong way. Agree with everyone else. Not your responsibility.

Once their money runs out, they will be able to claim housing benefit. It’s not your job to pay for neither of them.

Hi, we financially support DM (bought her a home) because she couldn’t have retired without it as is single and couldn’t afford rent and has no savings. This was absolutely not an expectation, we brought her directly position to her attention tbh.

However, we are in a position to afford this and DM didn’t have any other options available to her. I absolutely wouldn’t have done this should she have had £90k savings and/or refusing to move home to a more reasonably priced area.

She’s not on her own, I wouldn’t pay in her rent in this situation, let them sort it out together.

Your DM may end up struggling but that will be a result of choices she has made. Am sure she made sacrifices when you were a child but you have worked hard, been prudent and saved with a view to the years of supporting students then hopefully actually have some years to enjoy yourself. She has elected to keep renting somewhere pricey, has kept working to allow this but has managed to save. She has options for how to move forward but it isn’t for you to pick up the pieces if she maintains a lifestyle that erodes her savings.

You haven't agreed to support her, she has £90k in savings. Id not be offering to support her, she will need to live within her means

I don’t understand your concern if your Mum is 73 and has 90K?!? You are not responsible for her partner either, as he is not your parent.
Your responsibilities are your husband & children, especially their future regarding uni.
I wouldn’t give it another thought.